Life — May 17, 1900 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

+ LIFE < hotel rates in the king's capital were dcubled, to the satisfaction of his subjects. But there was the customary melancholy result; princes’s heads got so common they were used for cobble-stones, and it was pronounced by experts to be the finest block pavement ever seen, One day, however, a tall, gaunt, sallow indi- vidual presented himself, and signified, with a nasal twang. his intention of forthwith putting his majesty up a tree. “* Where are you from ?” asked the king, curious), * Connecticut, U.S. A.,” replied the man, proudly. “Oh,” said the king, beginning to look troubled.‘ Well, go abead. * A Misguided Monarch. NCE upon atime there was a king who was marvelously wise, and knew it. Therefore, he com- muned thus with himself one day, when he felt particularly Solomonic: ‘It's a shame that all my wisdom should go to waste; besides, my fame as the knowingest thing ever perched on a throne isn't as greatas my distinguished deserts merit. I wonder if there isn't some way to make the Sunday newspapers make a scare-head article of me, By crickey, I have it! Til do the ancient fairy-tale act, and offer my daughter and half my kingdom to anyone asking me three questions I can't answer; unsuccessful applicants to be treated as usual. Now the princess was wondrous fair, and the kingdom was so preposterously Prosperous it hadn't even a national debt; so every prince who read the papers flocked to the contest, and the “What makes a novel successful?” demanded the man, briskly, The king mentally reviewed the suc- cesses of the last few years, and sighed deeply, ‘*Er—hum—ah—I guess that’s one on me,” he conceded, reluctantly, “Why do we Americans retain confi- dence in the Republican party as it is at present controlled ?” demanded the man, chuckling, The king's lower jaw dropped with a thud against his breast. ‘‘The Lord only knows!” he groancd, helplessly. “No, no more of your cussed conun- drums,” he shricked, desperately, as the man was again about to speak. ‘I give up. But, say,” he continued, cunningly, “Tl go you doubles or quits. I'll bet you the rest of my family and kingdom against your winnings that you can't answer those questions yourself.” “Do you take me for a gambler?” demanded the man, severcly, as he tucked the princess's hand under his arm and started in the direction of the treasury, Alec, Ricketts. The Heart of a Humorist. HE following extracts are from a letter to the Secretary of the Lon- don Anti-Viviscction Society: Dean Sm—I belleve Tam not Interested to know whether vivisection produces results that are profitable to the human nace or doesn't. To results are prodiable to the race nove my hosttlity to it, The pains Micts upon unconsenting antmals ts the hasls of my enmity toward It, and it tx tome suMclent Justification of the enmity without looking further. It is so distinctly # matter of feeling with me, and ty so strong and deep-rooted th my make and constitution that Tam sure T could not even see a vivisector vivixected with anything more than a sort of qualified satisfaction, T do not say I should not go and look on ; 1 only mean that [ should almost surely fall to get out of It the degree of contentment which Itought, Of course to be expected to furnish, I have tried to understand why it shonid be considered a kind of credit and a handsome thing to belong to a human race that bas vivi- sectors init, And I have alyo tried to imagine what would become of the race If it had to be saved by my pnicticlng vivisection on the French plan, Let me quote: + Vivisectors possess a drug called curare, which, given to an animal, effectually prevents any struggle or cry. A horrible feature of curare 1s that It has no anesthetic effect, but, on the contrary, 1t Intensifies the sensibility to pain. The animal is perfectly consclous, suffers doubly and Is able to make no sigu. “Tam not desirous of shocking you by reciting the atrocities of vivisection, but slnce the apol gists try to deceive the public by vague state- Inents that vivisectors would not, and do not, perpetrate cruelty, 1 wish to say sufiiclent to disprove thelr assertions. « Professor Brucke says (‘Lectures on Physl- ology,” vol. 2, page 76): ‘The first sign that the trigeminus t« divided {x # loud, plerciog shriek from the animal. Rabbits, we know, are not very sensitive, but in this operation they Invarta- biy send forth’a prolonged shriek.* I could quote still more shameful vivisection records from this paper, but I luck the stomach for tt. Very truly yours, Mang TwatN, HE Boxers are troublesome in China, When our boxers in New York State got obstreperous, we repealed our Horton law. What China seems to need is a Horton law which may be repealed, When Ammunition Was Short. ERGEANT FINNEGAN (on the akirmish line): Stiddy, me byes; sure they be too far off yit; but when they get furninst the bushcs there, thry a few blank cartridges at ‘em until yees git the range. HE most effectual argument against war nowadays is its enormous ex- pense, It very seldom pays even for the winner, Weare getting our lesson about thatin the Philippines, and the British are getting theirs—a much more drastic one—in South Africa, We are so prone to impute inconvenient things to Destiny nowadays, that perhaps it is fair to suspect Destiny of having a hand in the precipitation of the Indian famine at the time when the immense needs of India must inevitably be contrasted with the enormous British expenditures in South Africa, Of course we lament that there is a famine; of course we lament that it came simultaneously with a costly British war ; but the coincidence unquestionably emphasizes the inexpediency of war, and must embarrass those enthusiasts who affect to regard war in general asa school of virtue and worth its cost. comicbooks.com