Life — May 3, 1900 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

386 A Difference. ¢¢7-OMMY,” said bis aunt one day, T When he'd come in from his play, “Don't you go into the pant— Ity,—on that point I'm adamant.” Tom had been there moro than twico— Know that jam was very nice, So he didn’t say, “I shan't,” But, “IL should ay, you're a damn aunt.” M.D. EB. AN IMPORTANT QUESTION HICH is the meanest city in the United Statos? Lire would like to have definitely settled. that object in view, we offer A Prize of Fifty Dollars in Gold With ‘This is an important question, and one that i ry | Ci i any particular city is the meanest ono tn this country, for the best statement of facts which prove that H Conditions. Competitors must limit thelr arguments to three hun- dred words each. Write on one aide of the paper only. The contest will close Ju Ist, 1900, and the award will be made a4 soon thereafter ax the respective merits of the arguments can be determined, The winning argument will be printed, together with such others as may seem to Lire worthy of that dis- Ungulshed honor, Names and addresses of the writers should accom- pany all manuscripts, In no case will these be printed without the permission of the sender. Those who desire thelr manuscripts returned should enclose a stamped and addressed return envelope. Each manuscript may bear # pseudonym, which will be printed with the argument The Editors of Live are to be the sole Judges of the merits of the arguments. PEORIA, ILLINOIS, Peorta, Hlinols, the dirtiest city in the United States, is situated within easy smell of several packing houses, three distilleries, a glucose plant and 4 stagnant lake. When it does not rain In Peorta, the t and exclaim: * Vota vine day {" When the sun shines in Peorta, It 1s last week's sun Just penetrating the soot. All business houses close, and the whole community takes a holiday. Hogs run Peorta streets with tmpunity, as might be expected ina city where everybody ts elther a Ritzenhelmer, an Ottenwoller or an Eckerstein, ‘Tue buildings Iu Peorts are low, because otherwise hundreds of citizens, made desperate by their environments, would seek rellef by leaping from top stories. Low structures decrease the mortality rate, ‘ So mean ts Peorta, that It Ins a fourtshing Créve-Coeur Club, composed of men who are broken-hearted over living in the place, The membership and the walting list together are equal to the sane male population, The 1s vamed after old Créve-Cocur fort, erected by La Salle and Toutl near the site of the present city. LaSalle and Tonti were broken-hearted because, after braving so many pertls, they rounded up at such a spot. If you reside in the valley of Peoria, so thick are the smoke and dust that Wheu you ascend the IMutfs you experience nausea from the comparatively rarefied atmosptere. And if you dwell on the bluifs, you can venture be- low only when supplied with Individual smoke consumer and compass. Peoria has had two distingulshed Inmates Bob Burdette and Col, Inger- soll. Burdette on escaping underwent such a reaction that he became a humortst ; Ingersoll, white confined there, had implanted in him the firm conviction that there can be no hell after death, Having brieny tonched this subject of Peoria, I must now go aud take a bath. A Fugitive, habitants congratulate one another wll vv il Hi Wl fuses iat cana igi i fi PROUT Mh “L DET DAT PELLUR WISHES UE WUZ LIKE ME WOT AIN'T GOT NO HOME.” ST. LOUIS, Why not St. Louis? Is it that all unfortunates confined there have died Lefore the expiration of thelr terms? The natives never dle, save an occasional one who chances to swallow his constant companion, a tooth- pick, Usually they live forever, but thelr minds are a blank to all events subsequent to 1864 St. Louls 1s a Boer Repubile, within whose doiatn a stranger ts stared at, regarded with suspicion, and, if @ woman, subjected to uncouth and ‘uncalled-for attentions, Io St, Loults a man buuda himself hundred-thousand-dollar mansion, then sits on his twenty-thousand dollar porch in his xhirt sleeves.enjoying @ Perfecto retailing at three for a nickel, while Lis good wife does the house- work. In St. Louls theatre audiences appiaud only local hits and scente effects, and tnvariably ruin the finale of every performance by stampeding tn @ wild effort to reach the doors before the fall of the curtain. This ts the ouly UUme people hurry tn St. Louts. In St. Louts men with long, gray beards are bebind the counters, and sult their conventence in serving patrons. In St, Louts the newspapers publish cuts of an elght-story building, and label It, One of St. Louts’s Sky Scrapers.” In St. Louls the dally hath {s not a pleasure, but an operation, in under- going which It 1s necessary to close the eyes and the olfactory organs. In St. Louls few streets are paved, street crossings are a novelty, and sidewaiks a monstrosity, St Loulsians never see any city but thelr own and Sedalia, Mo. know that Chicago ts on the map, but try to forget tt. In a ** Mean City” competition St. Louts is IT. They One Who Escaped. St Papa says'if we get married he'll pay half the expenses of furnishing. He: Well, what about the other half? comicbooks.com