Life — March 22, 1900 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

234 spleen, diabetes, dropsy, soot, cranks, corruption and authors, cussedness, Phila- delphia is taking a day dream, Philadelphia is dopey with old families. When a ship from a foreign port arrives in Philadelphia, the Captain walks asho goes to the railroad station and takes the first train to New York, to find out what has happened. In Philadelphia, every cow has ancestors, and cream sets so slowly that a request to puss the butter takes you back to tho middle ages. No Philadelphian who ever lived really wanted to be Vics sident, because he feared the intense excitement of that life of obscurity, Can any other city be 80 mean as Phila- delphia—a place whose only object in life is to rob the gravo of half its natural sleep? No! By General Nelson A. Miles. NE of the best stories that occurs to me off-hand, relates to a Jew who kept asort of combination pawnshop and second-hand clothing store, One day he went out and left the place in charge of his son, When he came back he said, ** Vell, Isaac, how vas business ven I vas oud?” “Business vas goot, fader,” the son said; “ferry goot.” “Vat did you sell 7” “Nothings, but dot man wat buy de diamon’ ring yesterday, come back an’ pawned i “Und did you sell him someting else?” “No, fader, ’e look as if ’e vas too much discouraged to buy anytiog.” “Un you call dot doing got bizness? If he look disgouraged, vy not you sell him a revolver?” Rum and Foolishness, ROFESSOR ATWATER, of Wesleyan University, the chemist who lately made exhaustive experi- ments to determine the effect of alcohol on men, disagrees carnestly with many of the statements made in the temperance text-books, the useof which has been made compulsory in tho public schools in many States in this country. The temperance text-books profess to set before SRy the young selentifie truths ubout the operation of alcoholic bever- ages in contact with tho insides of men, Professor Atwater says, what has been said repeatedly by others, that theso statements are uowortby of confidence, many of them being erroneous, and others disputed. Bo addressed a convention of school superintendents on tho subject in A Simple Deduction. TUPER: Here's a nice letter for a mun to receive! The scoundrel who wrote it calls me a blithering idiot! Terrie: What's bis name? ** That's just what I'd like to find out; but there’s no signature. “Don’t you recognize the writing? It must be somebody who knows you.” For the New York Stage. i I" asong hezethat I think will do.” “Ts there any sense in it?” “Not a particle.” “Is there any tune in it?” “Not a morsel.” “Leave it, If it answers your descrip- tion, it will turn out a gold mine.” Ko Ko: Chicago the other day, Almost all tho school authorities aro opposed to the compulsory use of the temperance text-books, on the ground that tho books are defective, and that altogether too much time is given to them. The chief agency introducing them is the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, the most meddlesome organization in the country, and one of the most foolish, In no other American organization of equal influence is the equipment of zeal so disproportionate to discretion and common sense, Abusive. RS. BINGO: You must be careful what you say to the cook, dear, or she will leave. Binco; Why, was I bard on her? ‘*Were you! Why, anyone would have thought you were talking to me.” UMSO: One thing may be said in favor of the English generals in South Africa. Cawker: What is that ? ‘They haven't begun to write for the magazines,” The Cotton Rabbit: NAVE YOU NOTICED HOW POLITE THE PARSON 18 TO MISS WAS? ONLY A CASE OF GOODNESS GRACIOUS. comicbooks.com