Life — March 8, 1900 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

188 Commonplace Fables. HARLES ano WILLIAM were partners in a Small Way in the Commission Business. When the War broke out William went tothe Front, butas Charles had an Uncle who wasa Congressman he went to Washington and Did Impor- tant Work for Some Contractors, After the War William came Home in dusty Blue Clothes and was a Hero, although he was ubout Six Dollars in Debt. He found Charles not only En- gaged to the Prettiest Girl in the Place but with his Pockets full of Ready Moncy. It is Pleasant to Know that Republics are not Always Ungrateful. . . . AVID was a Fine old Merchant. He was a Deacon, a Solid Man and universally Respected. The Civic Reform Club urged him to Run for Mayor, and the committce Informed him that he would be Pretty Near unanimously Elected. He Weakly consented and the Respcect- able Element was Delighted. They ran Against him an Unknown person named Michacl, a retired Saloon- Keeper. He was an Ignorant man, but he knew a great Deal about Machines. When they counted the Ballots it was Discovered that Michael had been Elected by a Vote of Two Thousand Two Hun- dred ai} finety-three to One Hundred and F’ft, sight. David felt very Sore and is Still Wondering how It Happened. Stories like This should Demonstrate that Success consists in Knowing How to Succeed. . * . RCHIBALD wasa Very young Man who became Weary of working @) for amonthly Stipend of Forty Dollars, sohe Told his father that he Would try a Whirl on the Street. His father Discouraged him, but as Archibald was Firm, his father said: “Buy all the Consolidated Hot Air Preferred that you can Lay your hands on at the Market. It is a Gilt-Edged, Lead-Pipe Cinch.” Archibald respected his Governor but rather Thought that he was somcthing of a Duffer, so he went Short on Hot Mamma Ghost : Air Preferred to an Alarming Extent. The next Day there was an Awful Slump and Archibald’s father was Ruined. But Archibald smiled and Said: “ Cheer up, Father, Ihave made a Pot of Money.” Archibald supports his Fatber now, and the Old Gentleman takes Great credit to himself for Having given Archibald his First Tip. It is a Way that fathers Have. . . . HEODORE was a Swell coachman and Bertha was the Daughter of the Banker for whom Theodore worked. In the course of time Bertha fell Very Much in Love with Theodore and proposed that They should Elope. Theodore agreed, but being a Wise young Man contrived to let her Father know of the Situation, “* Alas.” said the Banker, “this is too Horrible; I will Give you five thousand Dollars if you Promise to go to Chicago and Never see my Daughter again.” ‘Theodore took the Five Thousand and married Sally, a Pretty Maid, to whom he had Been Afflanced for two Years. He never Did care Much for the Banker’s Daughter. From this and Similar happenings we See that occasionally there is a Romance with a String attached to It. aaaerrstt ts tf wt IN Ml Off, YOU NAUGHTY BOY YOU'VE GOT YOUR WHITE SHRET ALL DIRTY, An Important Question ! HICH is the meanest city in the United States? This is an important question, and one that Lirx would like to have dcfi- nitely settled. With that object in view, we offer A Prize of Fifty Dollars in Gold for the best statement of facts which prove that any particular city is the meanest one in this country. Conditions. Competitors must limit thelr arguments to three hundred words each. Write on one side of the paper only. The contest will close May Ist, 1900, and the award will be made as soon thereafter as the respective merits of the arguments can be determined. ‘The winning argument will be printed, together with such others as may seem to Lire worthy of that distingulshed honor. Names and addresses of the writers should accompany all manuscripts, In no case will these he printed without the permission of the sender. Those who desire thelr manuscripts returned should enclose @ stamped and addressed return envelope. Each manuscript may bear a pseudonym, which wiil be printed with the argument. ‘The Editors of Lips are to be the sole judges of the merits of the argument.