Life — December 21, 1899 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WAR NEWS IN LONOON Tread the war news through and through, With all-absorbed attention, And little has escaped my view That you J think, can mention, And yet I'm sorry to confess My mind tt fairly rattles And sends to pleces (more or less) To separate t! artes. I read of brilliant feats of arms, And unexampled daring, Of ghastly struggles over * farms,” And slaughter grim and scaring ; Of * kopjes ? won through “zones of fre,” And victory effected ; And later on there comes a wire — “A battle Is expected 1" To-day I read “The Boers we rout! ‘terminate and sack them,” To-morrow “ We are moving out, Determined to attack them.” Last week our soldiers fought a fight (A slogularty game one), And ev'ry day (by wire each nig’ 1) They seem to fight the same one. To-day Tread, “The rebel Dutch Are put to fight and slaughter" — Of white-fag trea and such — And “cutting through Ike water.” Such dotngs fairly blanch t Unequate my day — Bot — was this battle fought last week ? Or Is It dae next Frid — Fun. For salo by national London, E. | Newsdenlers in Great Britain, ‘The Inter- npany, Hream's Building, Chancery Lane, England, AGENTS. Established (823. A PRoressor of invertebrate zoilogy, wishing to procure some trichinons pork for purposes of experiment, went to bis butcher and asked bim If he ever got any measly pork. “Sometimes,” the butcher cautlously answered ; “ but always throw It away.” * Well,’ sald the professor, I wish you'd send me up some, laboratory. The butcher, although’ somewhat taken atack, sald that he would. Three weeks passed, when the professor, growlog Impatient, again visited the store. “ Haven't you found any measty pork yet “Why, yes," said the butcher; “I sent up two pounds a week ago.” A sickly grin broke over the professor's face, did you send tt?” + Why, to your house, of course,” sald the batcher. — Argonavt. Tne other day a London omnibus, fall of passengers, drove up to {ts sabarhan terminus. Side vy side sat a commercial traveler and a lady temperance lecturer. The commercial setzed his bag and started out. ‘The lady made a grabafter him, and he halted, “ T beg your pardon,” she sald ; “ but you have my hag.’? ow are certainly mistaken, madam," the traveler sald, courteously but firmly ; © this Is mine.** sir,” the lady reptied, firmly ; “it ts mine. know {tamong a thousand. You must not take it.” Bat the traveler persisted and the lady tnststed, and they came Very near quarreling. Presently one of the passengers polnted toa twin bag in the omnis and asked : “ Whose fs that?” “It isn t mine," sald the traveler, this ty mine.”* * And it tso't mine,” he next time you have any, meaning, of course, to his Where T should s+ Itts just like tt, but said the lady, “He bas mine, and [ want tt, or I'l have the lawon him. Itsa pity tf.@ lads cant travel alone in this country without belng robbed of ter property in broad daylight.” Finally, the traveler sald he would open the bag to prove his property, The lady objected at first, saying she «id not want her bag opened in the presence of a crowd of str: But, as there was no other means of settling the dispate, se at length consented. The traveler sprung the lock, opened the bag, and the curlous crowd bent forward to see. Ou the very top of everything lay a big fat flask half full of whiskey, & pack of cards, a meerschaum pipe, one-quarter-pound tobacco, and one or two things that nobody knows the name of. The traveler was the first to recover bis self-possessica and speech Madam," he sald, “you are right. owe you a thousand apolo—" Bat the lady had fatated, and the traveler relocked his bag with a quiet smile. Eurly in the afternoon a sign patater recelved @ note, tna feminine hand, asking bim to come toa certain house to mark @ black leather bag in white lettersa foot and a half deep. — Exchange ‘The bag Is yours, | Ir As related of Rev. George Macdonald, Rudyard Kip ling’s maternal grandfather, that in the days when be was courting the lady whom be afterward married, the fathers law to be—an aged Methodist with extremely strict notless tn regurd to the propriesies—tas Injudictous enough on ese occasion to enter the drawing room without giving ass warning of his approach. The consequence was that te found the young lovers occupying a single chalr. Deeps shocked by the spectacle, the old man solemnly said: "Sr Macdonald, when I wascourting Mrs. Brown, she sat on one side of the room and 1 on the other." Mr, Macdonald's repiy That's Just what I should have done, sir, If | had urting Mrs, Brown." —Argonant, EUROPEAN AGENTS—Mesara. Brentan ST Avenue del'Opera, Maris, The Best Whiskey made in Kentucky or in the U. S. is Hand-made Sour Mash “OLD CROW RYE” It costs more to make and is more wholesome. H. B. KIRK & CO., N. Y. Agents for the Great Western’ Champagne. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! ‘THB WILSON DISTILLING CO, Baltimore Ma. FILLED WITH ..... ARTISTIC PICTURES AND CLEVER TEXT . THE CHRISTMAS | NOW ON SAL NUFIBER OF LIFE Sih e 86AN EXCEPTIONAL NUMBER ESSAYS By Acnes Repriier and Rosert Bripces (Drocn). FULL PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS By F. G. Atwoop, C. ALLAN Gitpert, E, W. KEMBLE. HUMOROUS FICTION By Mavetine S. Bripces, James S. Metcatre and others, A DOUBLE PAGE CARTOON By C. D. Grnson. A PRIZE STORY By Tupor Jenks aNd DurFteLp Osborne. VERSES By Marcuexite Merrincton, Carotyn We tts, Tom Masson and others, A SPECIALLY DESIGNED COVER MAXxFieLD Parrisu. in four colors by e — PRIOE, TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. FOR SALK BY ALL REPUTABLE BOOKSELLERS AND NEWSDEALERS. 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