Life — December 2, 1899 — page 38: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sap Professor Eru Ditton to the fea: In you I see a most surprising re- Semblance to the pachydermous Dynosauranicthysermus, With @ tendency to ape the chimpanzee, I will also make an observation fin- Al upon your agtle gambols on my spine, Stuting that I've found insanity, Insomota, profanity, Augmented by the way In which you dine. —San Franclsco News-Letter, A FABLE BY GEORGE ADE. Once there was a blue Dyxpeptic who attempted to Kill ‘Time by reading Novels, until he discovered that all Books of Fiction were Mockery After a prolovged Expertence he came to know that every Specimen of Light Reading belonged to one of the following Divisions : 1. The Book that Promises well until you reach the Plot, ‘and then you remember that you read It Summer before last. 2 The book with the Author's Picture as a Frontisptece. ‘The Author ts very Cocky. He has his Overcoat thrown back 80 as to reveal the Silk Lining. That Settles it! 3. The book that runs into a Suarl of Dialect on the third Page and never gets out 4. The detectable yarn about a Door-Mat Thief who truly loves the Opium Fiend, Jolly Story of the Slums. 5, The book that begins with a twenty-page description of Sloppy Weather—“ Long swirls of riven Rain beat somberiy upon the misty Panes,” etc., etc. You turn to the last Chapter to see if It Ratns all through the Book. This last Chapter tsa Glve-Away. It condenses he whole Piot and dishes up the Conclusion. After that, who ‘Would have the Nerve to wade through the two hundred and forty intermediate Pages? 6. The Book in which the Pictures tell the Story. After you have seen the Pictures there ts no need to wrestle with 7. The Book that begins with a Murder Mystery—charm- ing Picture of a Gray-Hatred Man discovered Dead tn Iis Library — Blood Splashed all over the Furniture — Knife of Cunous Design lying on the Floor. You know at ouce that the most ‘Respected and least Suspected Personage in the Book committed the awful crime, but you haven't the heart to track him down and compel him to commit Suicide. & The Book that gets away with one man asking another: “By Jove, who {s that Dazzling Beauty in the Box?” ‘The Man whoasks thts Question hasa Name which sounds itke the Tite of a Sieeping Car. You feel instinctively that he is going to be all Mixed Up with that Girt In the Box before Chapter xii Is reached, but who can take any real interest in the Love Atfuirs of a Man with such a Name? 9. The Book that teits all about Society and how Tough itis. Even the Women drink Brandy and Soda, smoke Cigarettes and Gambie, The clever Man of the World who says ail the Killing Things ts almost as Funny as Ally Sloper. An Irritable Person, after reading nine Chapters of this kind of High Life, would be ready to go Home and throw His Grandmother tnto the Fire, 10, The dull gray Book or the Simple Annals of John Gardensass, A Careful Study of American Life, In the first Chapter he walks along the Lane, Stepping first on one Foot and thenon the Other, enters a House by the Door and sits in a four-legged wooden Chair, looking out through « Window with Glass tn It, Book denotes caretul Observation. Nothing happens until Page one hundred and fifty. Then John decides to sell the Cow. In the Final Chapter he sits on a Fenco and Whittles, True Story, but What's the Use? Why continue? ‘The Dyspeptic sald that when he wanted ‘something really Fresh and Original in the Line of Fiction he read the Prospectus of a Mining Corporation, Moral : Only the more rugged Mortals should attempt to Keep Up on Current Literature.— Chicago Record, Tue Rome correspondent of a London newspa+ sass that Signor Marcont has been applied to with a view to th employment of wireless telegraphy tn the Transvaal. Way this news should come from Italy 18 not clear, since Marcce: 18 not there, but tn this country. Yet It opens up loteresting possibilities, The world may be thrilled by such dispatcte as the: “Battle in progress. Great cloud of dust. Ove army's winning. Seems to be British, but may be Boer.” + Battle still golngon, Whiskerson advancing host tod cate Boers are victorious. Uncertaln about whisker “Important movements. One army ts elther standing still or retreating; other fs elther advancing or standieg still.” “ Fighting suspended. Looka like Buller or Joubert.* “One army Is stacking Hsarms, Uncertain whic surrender has taken place.” It ts easy to imagine how the world will stand entranced before these wonders of nineteenth century sclence, Wireies tetegraphy will be a grand thing {n the Transvaal ; it will te almost as usefal as the common, old, low down, every diy wire telegraphy would be.—Rufftto Express. AN American army nurse, who does not understand Spanish aud has recently returned from Cuba, relates that one day she was startled by the unexpected visit of ber Cuban laundress. The woman was intensely excited. Se gesticulated wildly, and seemed to speak of un attack pee the hospital — of wounded men butchered and nurses cat ribbons, The nurse was frantic. She must know the went In the hospital was an officer very tll with typhold fever, Ste Knew he understood Spanish. Only in # very serious mate would she disturb him, but this was obviously a matter ¢ life and death. She led the Cuban woman to the! there the story was repeated. The officer listened tntents. The nurse held her breath, The Cuban ceased. Tee act man turned his head on the pillows. He whispered, feetiy: “She says the stripes in your pink shirt-watst have re, and she doesn't know what to do with It.""— Argonaut, nvoys on way to head general, Greatly reduced facsimile. will receive the year. Any person sending us Zen Wool Soap Wrappers—and Wool Soap, by the way, is possibly | the best, in any event, one of the best, white soaps ever manufactured for Washing and Cleaning dainty Laces and Embroideries, fine Lingerie, expensive Bric-a-Brac, costly Furniture, and all rich Home belongings—so absolutely pure that it cannot possibly injure the most delicate fabrics in exchange, post paid, one of Swift's Home Calendars, the prettiest calendar of Swift and Company, Chicago. If not convenient to send Wool Soap Wrappers, and you wish the Calendar, send 10 cents in stamps or money. Exact size, 10 X 254 POOOE inches. SESS CSSSOS \ TT OSSSOOSOSSOSS ST SSEEEE Comicbooks.com