Life — June 8, 1899 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Candidate (who ts not making a favorable {mpression on the meeting): AXD NOW, GEN- TLEMEN, I ASK MYSELP ONB QUESTION— Voice from the hall: AND A D—D SILLY ANSWER YOU'LL GET! ENATOR McMILLAN of Michigan, by his prompt and flat-footed tele- gram to Secretary Alger, has lifted a load of anxiety from the public mind and restored tranquillity to the canned- beef trade. He states that he is ia the field as a candidate for another term in the Senate. This removes any cause for Secretary Alger’s resignation, and will enable Mr, McKinley to retain in his Cabinet the greatest Secretary of War the world bas ever known. “AN INDIAN CLUB.” The Earth: WHAT 4 NUISANCE THESE ECLIPSES ARE! Two Weighs. HE grocor and golfer are different— As different as different can be. For tho former puts sand in his sugar, While tho latter puts sand in his tee, Easily Solved. T was the night of the opening perform. anco of the new play that, adapted from tho French by one of our ableat reporters, had been horalded far and wide as the coming hit. In the rear of tho theatro the group of dramatic critics, hav- ing written their criticisms, wore eagorly waiting for tho curtain to riso, and hero and there in the vast audience could bo detected some individual who had paid for his, ticket, All was in readiness, when, behind the scones, the stage director, his face blanched with fear, hastily summoned the manager to his side, “ Tho star refuses to dress for ber part,” ho muttered, hoarsely, “Bhe bas just measured her drossing-room with a tapo lino,,and discovered that it is threo inches smaller than the one occupied by the leader of the chorus, What is to be donv?” Tho mannger’s resourceful face was morged in deep thought for a moment, but suddenly it became illuminated by the whito light of inspiration. . “Go tell her,” ho sald, confidently, “that if sho insists upon more room she may dress upon the stage, but not to keep the audience waiting.” And a moment later tho curtain rose on the crowning triumph of the season, Tom Masson. Explicit. «¢ PAPA,” said Benny Bloobumper, “there in the paper it says that all right-minded persons must agree with this view of the subject. What is a right-minded person, papa?” “(A right-minded person, Benny,” replied Mr, Bloobumper, ‘is a person who thinks as you think.” HERE js to be a Kipling trust. The London Daily Mail says that a group of American and English literary agents have formed a syndicate to con- trol the future productions of Mr, Kip- ling. A syndicate naturally implies a stock company, capitalization, water, and various securities. Doubtless we shall soon see Kipling’s, common and preferred, in the lists with the other properties. HERE is a report of the invention of a new gas burner, which is to save gas, incrcase light, and end all the gas wars in New York, How a burner that saves gas and in creases luminosity can stop gas fights is not clear, Apparently the more the saving, the less gas sold, and the greater the competition. More light on this, please ! &¢ HAT is his politics’ “T don't know. He is .a Democrat.”