Life — May 11, 1899 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

I’ not so many, as you say; But it {bap to sup On lobster, milk and goose paté— Why, then double up. Harvard Lampoon. A PROMINENT Boston minister had a plambing Job done fn his church, Itwas naither an elaborate plece of work, though It made bot litte showing. When the bill came the good man made up bis mind that he had been robbed, and roared loudly about the overcharge, Soon afterwards @ pro- fessional crook who had grown too old for the ways of sin came to him with a proposition for assistance tato the paths of virtue, + Well, James, sald the parson, sympathetically, “have you decided on what sou want to do?” ex, boas,” replied the ex-crook, “seeing as how I'm a pretty good mechanic, | thought I might open a bit of a shop.” A shop!" replied his benevolent friend; what kind of shop?” “A plumber’s shop," sald the burglar. dh!” exclaimed the minister, rising suddenly and picking up his hat, “Twas under the impression that you wanted to reform."—Exrchang*. ON old Carlisie Bridge, in Dubitn, there was a frott-stall, the keeper of which, Mddy the apple-woman, was a better known Ogure than even the Lord Mayor. She had a ready and gith tongue, and never allowed @ verbal assailant to retire with all the honors, Ao Americac visitor, thinking to take arise out of the old woman, took uy one of the water- melons she was disptaying for sale, aud sald: “These are I SeISYR) AT Wlly small apples you grow over here. In America we have them twice as large.” Biddy slowly removed her dudheen, or clay pipe, from her lips, and, coolly surveying the joker from heud to heels, said, in & tone of pity: * Yerra, what a fool yez must be whin Yez take our gooseberrtes for appies.”” —Nevcastte Chronicte, A Panis correspondent sends this characteristic mot of @ Hite six-year-old girt tn the French capital. “It appears that the child overheard all the tattle about President Faare’s death and poor Mme. Faure’s grief, and then the next day whe heard that there was a now President, She went up to her mother and sald: ‘This M. Loutet—so soon—what luck! It ts only two days since M. Faure died, and now she bas an- other one !"—Piltsburg Butetin. GeNeMAL BUTLER was one of a commission to examine young appticants for adinisston to the bar, and before him came ® youth who failed miserably on all that pertained to Jurisprudence, case law, civil law, sumptaary law, unwritten law, and due process of law. Finally Butler asked: “ What wonld you like to be examined in? You have fatied tn every- thing we have suggested." ‘The reply came: “Try me on the statutes; I'm up on them. Batler shook hs head solemnly.“ My young friend," he stld, “I'm afraid you won't do, You may be ever so familiar with the statutes, bat what ts to prevent a fool Legistatare from repealing all you know ?"—Argonaut. VvLrictpg was to Asherton Smith, an Engllsh Nimrod, » crime for which death Itself was too lenlent a penalty. And his wife used to tell how, on one occasion, he terrified all the ladies at the breakfast table by dropping the newspaper with an exclamation of horror. “What bas happened?” they cried, expecting to hear of some awful European calamity. “Happened!” he groaned, looking over his spectacies solemnly; “why, by Jove, a dog fox has been burned » death in a barn! "Exchange, A DISTINGUISHED Massachusetts clergyman tells a story at his own expense. He was on a tramp through the White Mountains with another clergyman for a companion. Ove day they mounted the driver's seat of a stage coach. As is often the case, the stage driver was an interesting character, whose conversation abounded In good stories. The three speedily became friendly, and it was with reluctance that they parted at the end of the journey. “I'm glad to hev met yer fellers,"" sald the driveron lear ing them. .“ Yer sec, [haven't seen aman this summer— only ministers."—Anecdotes and Morals. Mrs, Homesrun (indignant?y): Here's an article sayy that tn Formosa a wife costs five dollars/> Mk, Homesren (thoughyully): Wal, a good wife ts wuts tt.—spare Moments. “LKNow a play that would beat ‘The Little Minister.’ Yes! And?” Let some one write a play and call it ‘The Litte Rabb.’ "— Saturday Evening Herald. Hostess: Can I get you s partner? “Well, ma’am, nothing would give me greater pleasure, but I'm afratd It’s no go, as your ‘usband engaged me for tte evening as waiter."— Exchange. eam's Building, Chancery Lane, . England, AGENTS. Established 1823. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! FUROPEAN AGENTS—Messrs. Brentano, 37 Avenue de|'Opera, aris. ‘The Finest Hunter Baltimore Rye ‘Made and Bottied in Scovand. RODERICK DHU M. F. Frame, Sole Agent, 11 Broadway, N. Y. Every Evening at 8:00. The Drury Lane Beomaions! Play, DALES [sme eee eee Mats, Wednesday and Saturday at 3, Ladies’ and Children's plain ribbed and open WE PAY _AGE. Spring Underwear Cartwright and Warner's Underwear, Spring Weights. Ladies’ and Children’s Underwear. Merino, Silk, and Lisle Thread Underwear. Swiss Ribbed Union Suits. Hosiery. TOUR TO The rate, $14. work Lisle Thread and Suk Hosiery. Golf and Bicycle Hosiery. NEW YORK, iChaperon will also For itineraries, apply Broadway, New Ye Philadelphia, POST- LAST PERSONALLY-CON DUCTED PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD, ‘The last of the present series of Pennsylvania, Rallroad three-day personally-condact to Washington, D. C., from” Philadelphia, and proportionate rates from otner| points, Includes transportation, hotel accommo- tations, and Capitol guide foes. An experienced to ticket agent N. J. of address Geo. W. Boyd, Assisiant Gen-| leral ‘Passenger Agent, Broad ‘Street Station, | All you have guessed ‘About lifeinsurance may bewrong. Ifyou wish to know the truth, send for “How and Why,” issued by the Pawn ‘Murua, Live, 921-3-5 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, WASHINGTON VIA The Favorite tours will be run on May 11.) ew York, $11.50 from) lant because of its accompany the party. tickets and ful! information| Tourist Agent, 1 '89 Broad Street, Newark, and Great Age. of All Whiskies For Club, Cafe and Home Use, || and particularly recommended to ladies obliged to use a stimu- Absolute Purity, Gentle Meliowness Sold atall First-Class Cafesand byJobbers. WM, LANAHAN & SON, Baltimore, Md. ONE DOLLAR 1s a very little money. You fritter it away for odds and ends, and ts nothing to show for it, ONE DOLLAR Sent to us will bring THE WALL STREET JOURN for oue month. As you know, It Ls the best finan Paper published. You will never miss the doll and you will have what you cannot get In any 024 way—complete and,accurate information as ® what ts going on in Wail Street, And thists wis makes men rich. There have been some very | teresting things happening here lately—and thet Are bound to be still more. You ought to ket about them. One dollar will keep you posted. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, 42-44 BROAD STREET, NEW YORK. Comfortable Shoes. | $4. ® Gentlemen’s Shoes. Health=giving Shoes. Good fitting Shoes Shoes that give you character. Send for Catalogue free. Retston Health Shoe Makers, Campelto, Mass.