Life — April 13, 1899 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

326 The Art of Colonization. FROM THE PLYMOUTH SCHUOL OF ETHICS. GREEN colony, like a green Chirist- mas, makes a fat graveyard, and as our colonies are at this stage greener than March 17th in a good year, our undertaking success promises to be numerous and gratifying. Colonization is the art of appropriat- ing other people's real estate. While pleas for the art might be treated with scorn in the ordinary, vulgar courts of justice, they are accepted as unanswer- able in the courts of international law, which are hampered with neither judges nor juries. The customary rule in acquiring a col- ony is to select a desirable piece of real estate whose occupants have few sarto- rial advantages, whose complexions have a different color scheme from ours, and whose views on post-mortem existence are not in accord with those we pro- fess. We then move in and proceed to ilumine their intel- lectual darkness. Our standards of law, religion, justice and civilization be- ing higherthan those of the owners of the real estate we have our eye on, weare acting entirely within our rights when we give them notice to move out. Of course, owing to certain preju- dices and restrictions existing in this republic, the art of colo- nization must be practiced out- side the jurisdiction of ourabsurd and meddlesome Constitution. + LIFE * There is always the possibility that the natives may enter objections to our course. In that case, we have time- honored British precedents to support our action; for, like the common law, we derive our colonial precedents from dear old England. Should the discol- ored occupants grow nasty in their objec- tions, and obstinately refuse to give up their property, it then becomes our duty to civilization and religion to take up the White Man's Burden. ; Having explained to the sun-baked parties in question the beauties of our ethical system, after illustrating and lauding our special brands of rum, ruf- flanism and religion, when we have in- troduced our favorite varieties of epi- demics, if malignant opposition to our policy continues it then becomes our solemn duty to proceed to benevolent assimilation. The popular ingredients of B. A. are gunpowder, magazine rifles, uniformed enthusiasts, proclamations, bad beef, flag-raisings and lectures on “PAPA, 18 THAT A BASILISK?" “NO, MY DEAR, A BASILISK 13 4 CHRISTIAN CHURCE. That 18 AN oDALIsquE.” the evils of rebellion and ingratitude. It is a time-honored principle of Anglo- Saxon law—freely acknowledged by the most conservative English statesmen— that all colored persons are rebels and ingrates who decline to deliver up their real estate on demand, and who fail to admire our systems and methods, Under the circumstances, it is a gross insult to the flag, that must be resented sternly, when inferior people of color refuse to surrender to us their life, liberty, and the pursuit of real estate. Animated by the noblest instincts of our race, we proceed to wipe out the rebels and establish our colony. Some of our gallant boysin blue may be mustered out abruptly and their unthinking relatives may grumble; but glory is the portion of the former, and the grand old pension system placates the latter. F No nation is really great until it Degins to colonize. The respect of the Great Powers and the gratitude of humanity come only to those who kill off niggers and acquire real estate. It is hinted by low-minded péople that we might colonize in Canadaand Mex- ico; but the grand old Anglo-Saxon race, in whose blood justice and free- dom boil and bubble, bas ever shrunk from doing wrong to any able-bodied nation capable of putting up a vigor- ous and belligerent objection, Colonization is a grand and glori- ous work; we enjoy it thoroughly ; we glow with pride when we see Old Glory floating above new real estate, and we will continue to glow until the bills for the job come in. The expense account may cool our enthusiasm, and traitors may say we have purchased a gold bri k ; but let the grand work go on—until after the next Presidential election. Joseph Smith. Dor Goldfish to Steer Tadpole: yuom Tux size OP TOUR MEAD, I TAKE IT THAT TOU WERE AT THE DEMOCRATIC DOLLAR DINNER LAST EVENING.