Life — March 25, 1899 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A ongat lawyer, who ts now ® great Judge and has the very highest opinion of himself, stood as a Liberal candidate for Parilament at the general election of 1880, Ils Tory opponent set on foot A rumor that he was an athelst, where- upon Henry Smith remarked: “Now, that’s really too bad, for Mr. — Is a man who does reluctantly acknowledge the existence of a Superior Being.” Argonaut, Ma. Pret: Is it true that the French government has forbidden the impor- tation of Amertean fruit? Mk. PENN: I read something of that wort. “Then the Uni States should retaliate by fortudding the tmportation of olive pil labels from France. —kachange, Who opened the did, You told me a Ittle bird Was a-whlspering to you when 1 was nanghty, so F knew It must be him, as other little bird about, So 1 opened the cage and the cat’seaten him, That's wot he's got for splitting on me."—Stray Stories, A rriexp of Dewey's recently joined the Admiral at Mantla, and made langhing allusion to the many articles named for him since May Ist. Dewey's eyes twinkled as he replied : “1 did not imagine that little target-practice before breakfast on the first of May would bring @ new adjective into the language ; but, look h I have # Dewey wateh—and it’s a number one wateh, too—with « case from the Maine.” Then he continued : “ One of the manufacturers who had named a hat after me wished to send me one, and wrote me asking what size 1 now nd your reply?" he was asked, + Ob, I told him the same size that | wore before May Ist."—Argonaut. “Tsex the New York four hundred has been narrowed down to thirty-eight.” «Really? Ive the other three hundred and sixty-two been cured ?"— Wasp. A RING PERFORMANCE ON SATURN. ANEW boy had moved into the neigs borhood. He was sitting on tbe lin fence that separated bis particular backyard from the yard periainiog t the next-door neighbor, and was pro ceeding to cultivate the acquaintance of the next-door neighbor's boy for at he was worth. “I've gone through grammar school he sald. “{cando every sum in tte mental arithmetic, and I always gots hundred mark in my history and geog. rap! * Well,” responded the other te, thrnsting ont his lower Jaw,“ Lea move my cars, and you can’t.” Youth's Companion, Oxce upon a time a Beggar Lmper tuned # Lawyer for alms, + Let me give sou some advice,” suit the Lawyer. “Td rather you sold the advice api gave me the proceeds,” ventured the Beggar, trying not.to seem forwand or obtrusive. This fable teaches that under certais circumstances fine words can be made indirectly to butter parsnips. —Detrott Journal, Wire tn Amertca, W.S. Gilbert was one evening at a fashlonable function given ys lady of the “new rich” order, who posed asa patron of music, but who had not had time» educate herself, She was foolish enough to attempt to show off before the English celetetn And what ts Bach— Batch’ she called it—doing nowt” she sald; “ts he composing ary thing No, madame,” replted Mr. Gilbert, without the ghost of @ smile, “Bach ts Jost pet decomposing! "— Exchange. Bit: Had a funny experience thls morning. Got ot that 1 had only a two-dollar bill In my pocket. Kio: Well? “I gave It to the driver and he asked me which horse I wanted."— Yale Record. Fifth Avenue stage and foast The Three Greatest Amusement Managers of the World °. ° - so ° {AUGUSTIN DALY MAURICE GRAU CHARLES FROHIMAN Have each purchased a Gramophone to entertain their families and friends - - - - - 80, TOO, HAVE Secretary Alger Senator Depew Admiral Schley Capt. Sigabee Col. Robert G. Ingersoll Capt. Ryans Rev. T. Dewitt Talmage John Phillp Sousa The President of Venezuela The Sultan of Turkey, etc., etc. Could the Only Talking Machine using flat indestructible records have a greater endorsement? PRICE, $6 to $25 Agents in almost every City throughout the United States For printed matter, address NATIONAL GRAM-O0-PHONE CO., 874 Broadway, N. ¥.