Life — March 25, 1899 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A WARNING TO PARODISTS. Take up “The White Man's Burden,” Then put tt down again ; Don’t touch it with your penctl, Typewriter, or your pen. In parodistic manner Don't fritter time away, For yours won't be as good as ‘The one by Rudyard K. Take up “The White Man's Burden,” But patiently refratn From writing verses like it, Lest you bring woe and pain ‘ ‘To those who read the papers; ‘They're weary now, you know, se thousands have been at it From Maine to Mextco, Lay down “The White Man's Burden,” Waste not your stamps and means On silent, sullen peoples Who run the magazines. No matter what you send them, i No matter what you do, ‘The silent, sullen peoples Wil send it back to you, —Baltimore American, | Youna Mrs. McBride had had so much trouble with her | impudent servants that she was on the verge of nervous prostration, and she certainty would have gone over the verge had the McBride income been large enough. She finally became dexperate. “John,” she sald, one day, “T have hired & She isn't particularly competent, but of one 1am certain—she wil not be impudent.” v servant. For sale by all 5 national News “ She won't!” cried her astonished busband. “ How do you know she won't?” “I'm sure sbe won't,” replied Mra. McBride; ‘and even if she ts, I shall not know it. She's a Finn, Just over, and abe doesn't speak but four words of English.” ‘All the next day Mra. McBride struggled with the Finn. She talked herself hoarse. She would fairly shout her direc- tions, but shouts and whispers were alike to the Finn. She simply could not understand, When Mr. Mcbride came home at night bis wife was again on the verge. “ Why do you shout so when you talk to her?” he asked, laughing heartily. “Why? Why, I simply can’t make her hear!” cried bis wife. “Tam so hoarse I can hardly speak aloud, and I am completely worn out. What shali I du, dear?” * Let me discharge her, of course.” Ischarge her!” echoed his wife. “That's Just about as sensible as the average man's suggestion. Discharge ber! Discharge that Finn, who knows four words of English!" sbe sobbed. “What good would that dot Why, John, I have discharged her seventeen times already, and she thinks I've been telling her to get dinuer!"—Harper's Bazar, Jim: Lsaw a pecullar thing tn the newspaper thts morning. Jack: What was It? “A man told of a horse he bad, He sald that It made no difference how much feed he gave him, the horse could never eat a Mt"—Princeton Tiger, Lewis CaRKOLL being dead, the Jabberwock ts being translated. Who knows not that thrilling stanza: "Twas brillig and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimbie In the wabe, All mimay were the borogroves And the mome raths ourgrabe. Itts somewhat disconcerttng to find that there ts any mean- ing whatsoever In this, but Mr. Stuart Collingwood bas dis- covered & memorandum among the papers of the author of “Alice in Wonderland,” which shows that this really meant noting more than “It was evening, and the smooth, active badgers were scratching and boring holes in the hillside, while the parrots were unhappy and the serious-minded grees turtles squeaked.”"—Boston Home Journal. BOATSWAIN (to newly Joined cadet): Come, my little maa, you mustn't cry on board of one of her Majesty's ships of war. Did your mother cry when you left? Caper: Yes, str. “Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?” “ Yea, sir.” “Stupld Ittle thing! And did your father cry?” 0, str." “Ard ‘earted old beggar!"— Punch, “Dox'T talk to me about what gtrls order forlunch,” said the girl with the hot chocolate; I've never in all my life seen & person of my sex call for anything one-tenth part as incon- gruously dreadful as an order I beard a Congressman, a real live Congressman, give in a café yesterday. He came in ant sat down near me. Waiter,’ sald he, without stopping for a minute to read ‘the bill of fare, ‘Walter, bring me @ plate of pig's feet aod honey.’ "— Exchange, Justice: What have you to say in answer to the charge of stealing this man’s plank walk? Tue AcctskD: I took {t by advice of my physician, yer Honor, He told me to take a long walk every day. This was the first long walk I saw to-day, and of course I took it. A man can’t afford to employ a doctor unless he takes his advice. “The Court, however, will give you advice for nothing: Three mouths rest. You will take tt in the House of Correc- tion."—Boston Transcript. wadealers In Great Britain. ‘The Inter- EvRorraN AGENTS—Messrs. Brentano, 31 Avenue de l’Opera, Paris. Have you useo PEARS’ Soars chs shy phe phe phy shy ote of ot ahs ahs ots ohy he obs ote ote ots ahs ahs ats ate ahs ahs ahs oly che ahs oly 4 Pears’ Soap is not only the best in all the world for i toilet and bath, but also for shaving. Pears was the inventor of shaving stick soap. SS DOTSTST2T2T2T2S222202282288TO eat All sorts of people use Pears’ Soap, all sorts of stores sell it, especially druggists. ‘comicbooks.com