Life — October 6, 1898 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

274 Charge of the Terrors. AMSELS to right of them, Beauties to left of them, Honors ahead of them, Perils behind; No thought of warlike strife, Right into social life— Into the Four Hundred, Dash the Rough Riders, Cow punchers, some of them, Blue stockings, more of them, Born heroes, all of them, Teddy in front; Not theirs to be denied, Victors whate'er betide, Swolldom’s e’erlasting pride, Ob, the Rough Riders! W. A. Vv HEN a young man begins to find out how little his elders know, the latter say he has a swelled bead, The Hon. R. Rhodes Depot. ‘A BIOGRAPHY. NEN this distinguished gentleman first came to New York the wise physician said: “ This child will be heard from; he bas unusual lung development; his mouth is spacious; bis bump of memory big.” Atan early age he developed a talent for oratory and transportation, and found the combina- tion profitable, An earnest student, he recognized the value of historic and classic humor, and he applied himself to making a collection of the bon mots of the race from Noah to Miller, He mastered the ancient liter- ature of Assyria and Egypt; he can reel off conundrums, puns, and jeus @esprit that delighted the Pharaohs, and repeat the airy persiflage decanted by Nebuchad- nezzar. This knowledge has been of great value to Mr. Depot in bis career, and has made him the speaker-in-cbief at fairs, con- ventions, camp-meetings and dinners for thirty years. He can sway with mirth the rural as well as the political classes; and even in the penetralia of the camp- meeting he has convulsed serious Chris- tians by a few choice Aryan jokes of the tertiary period. Society is suspicious of the new, at ease with the old. Under- standing this trait of human character, Mr. Depot maintains the good nature of his audiences by humor that was shop- worn when Noah started on his post- diluvian jag. ‘LIFE: There are no strikes on his railroad. If the rude railroad bands will not be cajoled, it is a simple matter to ad- vance wages and freight rates simultaneously; it is just as easy to give the former to the press, the latter to the office clerks, Mr. Depot is a perpetual dark horse; he is mentioned periodically for Gov- ervor and President; and periodically he puts away the glitter- ing bauble, When party leaders rush to him, tremulous with anxiety, he lightly says: “Nothing in it, my boys; noth- ing. Iam inthe ranks; you gents are the leaders. By the way. Just push that little bill for my road along. I need it in my business.” The soothed and grateful statesmen re- spond warmly: ** Rhodesy, old boy, you can have all the bills you want.” Mr. Depot's health breaks down on schedule time every summer, and his physicians sternly insist upon his depart- ure for Europe to recuperate his lungs and replenish his humor in the London market. He objects to advertising as vulgar; the interview is a more gentle- manly method of accomplishing the same purpose. Instead of taking six inches top of column next to pure reading mat- ter to announce his arrival in London, he is interviewed by Jenkins Smallfry, the London correspondent of the New York Jibboom, and he spills a vivacious boro- scope of Europe's future on the Cockneys. Europe is not specially concerned; but New York, with swelling pride, says: ‘Well! I guess our Rhodesy is dead in it in Europe.” “If the American people are hum- bugged scientifically they enjoy it, and hail the humbug asa patriot and prophet, and the jaundiced views of foreign critics only increase their regard for him.” In moments of confidence Mr. Depot utters this truth. He adds: ‘* The dull realist does not appreciate me; he sneered at MAN'S CAST-OFP PANTS! ener ea CONSOLATION, “AN! TER TINK HOW I KICKED W'EN ME MUDDER MADE ME PUT ON DE OLD HULLY GEE! BUT DAT KID'S WORSE OFF'N 1 AM!” Barnum; he condemns that great Ameri- can institution, the patent medicine.” Other aphorisms of this great and genial man are: ‘ Humor is what people laugh at; like wine, it improves with age.” **The chestnut is the most popu- lar fruit in America; I have been dis- tributing them all my life and I ought to know.” As a political cyclone cellar, a refuge for stormbeaten statesmen, R. Rhodes Depot is having much success nowadays. His name is a synonym of contidence, and confidence is a great game. Joseph Smith, Ignorance That Was Not Bliss. THEL: What a perfect specimen of manhood! I really don’t believe he knows his own strength. Epvitu: I’m sure -he doesn't. (Confl- dentially) Do you know, he uses both hands to drive a horse that he could easily manage with one if he only knew it. OURNALISM was once a_profes- sion; then it became a trade; to-day it’s a crime. comicbooks.com