Life — September 8, 1898 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

188 know a gréat many things worth knowing that are not mentioned in the Encyclopedia Britannica or in Chambors's “Book of Days.” The book, however, is not to be promiscuously used by those who seek knowledge at this library, Ithas been ruled that it shall not be placed in the hands of cbildren under twenty, nor given to anyono olse except on presentation of a prescription from a physician of undoubted position, NEVER saw tho preacher's eyes, I I never saw his glance divine. He always shuts them when he prays, And when he preaches I sbut mine, War Fables. OMPELLED by fear of public opinion to confer military rank upon a distinguished political rival, the President (of Labragas- car) considered whut to do next. “If Isend him against the enemy,” he mused, “ he may return at the close of the war with such glory that I shall be quite extin- guished in it; if I keep him in camp there is no hope of his getting shot.” In his perplexity he consulted the Secretary of Re-election, who, having duly perpended the matter, delivered judgment as follows: “May it please your Excellency, there is but one way out of DEPOSITS | MADE IN YEAR 1 wie DRAW INTEREST FRom YEAR 0. i AN EARLY DEPOSIT. 1898, 1399. IP THOSE FLAT SCARFS CONTINUE TO GROW IN POPULAMITY AND SIZE. this dilemma, and although it is so full of peril that I hardly daro to suggest it, yet I pray you remember that in great emergencies great men accopt great risks, Wo must make peace.” They made peaco. . . . SPANISH General having surrendered without resistance was honored by his American Conqueror with a grand review. As corps after corps of the victorious army marched past the reviewing stand the captive's delight grow visibly and audibly. “Ido not understand,” said the American General, “how you can find matter of joy in the vast number of your enemies. I had hoped that {t would plunge you into the deepest dejection.” “My friend, you must pardon mo for disappointing a just expec- tation,” said the Spanish General, courteously repressing his hilarity; “but, naturally, the adversity of your country does not appeal to my compassion.” “+ Adversity?” “Consider tho pensions.” . . . N Oppressed People, loudly proclaiming the brotherhood of man and the fatherhood of God, made its moan to the Land of tho Free for deliverance from the tyrant’s chain, The Land of the Free sent her sons to liberate the Oppressed People. In doing 80 they had the good fortune to capture the tyrant’s chain, which they valued highly as atrophy of the chase. After returning to their own country the lightness of thelr luggage suggested an inspection, when it was discovered that the tyrant’s chain had been stolen by the Oppressed People, who whiled away the tedious hours of the ensuing centuries of independence by fitting it to one another’s neck. Ambrose Bierce. The Ally of Our Enemy. IRST SPANISH STATESMAN (gloomily): If we bad only known of this powerful ally, and waited, we might have won in the end. Seconp Statesman: What ally do you mean ? “The Great American Transport Ship.” comicbooks.com