Life — August 25, 1898 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“1 COULD ONLY SWIPE THE A Great Moral Literary Triumph. pon a time a bark was wrecked upon the coast of Bohemia, only five men being saved from the horrors of a watery grave—a reformed pirate, a con- verted cannibal, a retired missionary, a Yankeo peddler, and the literary editor of a liver pill factory. As the shipwrecked party journeyed slowly towards tho capital of the country, hungry, discouraged and impoverished, they canvassed their chances of earning a living in the land. A union of their forces and talents was proposed, bat just what particular branch of business they would be able to make a commercial success of puzzled them. ‘As they rested beneath a spreading ban- yan tree, they spoke each of his special talent and past experience. “ My acquisitive faculty,” said tho pirate, “has been abnormally developed in the past, and, while I am reformed and must utilize my gifts within the statutes, my talents ought to be useful in commere “ My genius,” sighed the can in annexing my fellows and digesting them at leisure. My recent conversion debars mo from a meat diet, yet there is no reason why my ability to skin my brethren should not serve an honorable commercial pur- pose. Tho Yankeo poddler said: “Trade, ex- chango, barter,are my strong points; and theso, united with a pronounced hypnotic strain, enable me to dispose of any wares in any market. I recall with pride making contract with a Hobrew to deliver hima trotting horse, and gotting a receipt in full from him ow, delivery of a can of Chicago corned beef. I know | would be valuable in any venture we might undertake.” ‘The literary man spoke modestly of what he termed his genius, and added: “Every paper in the land was glad to publish my tributes to Lungpot’s liver pills, and all “BUT WoT HAVE WE my literary productions were placed conspicuously at the top of column next to reading mat- ter. I was very much sought after, and the editors assured me that my literature meant money in their pockets.” The retired missionary, who had listened thoughtfully, then said earnestl; We have here the elements that will makea great financial success of a meral, weekly, pure family ‘ journal—tepid, neutral-tinted, inoffensive; one that our wives and daughters can read in safety; one that will touch the patriotic heart of every moral soapmaker in the land, and be a medium through which clergy- men can fearlessly give testi- monials to liver pads without danger of being misunderstood. My friend -the pirate wiil be treasurer and collector; the caunibal will. Solicit udvertise- ments and subscriptions, and make contractg; our literury friend will read proofsyediyup syndicate stuff, water editorial matté¥eand expur- gate passionate contributions; our New England confederate will suggest novelties, prize competitions and maguzine combina- tions, and hunt up stories replete with dia- lects and pangs, and perbaps manage the job and art departinents. I will contribute 4 JOT A TIEAD FoR?” comicbooks.com