Life — September 30, 1897 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Pneumatic Romance. S that I am somewhat proud of my family, for 1am one of the strictly high-grade bicycles on the market. That is a good deal+o say, in these days of freak wheels of Chicago pattern and thirty-five-dollar made-over sewing-machines. My father, Kanga- roo, was one of the original Safeties, while my maternal grandfather came of one of the very best High-Wheel fami- lies, in the early days of rubber tires. From him I can trace our ancestry back through the Boneshakers and Veloci- pedes to remotest antiquity. I married, quite young, a charming young drop-frame, well connected, and guaranteed first-class in every respect. She was very beautiful, and wore on our wedding day a coat of white enamel and full nickel trimmings. The first fruits of our union were the cunningest little tandem twins—a combination coup- let, of which we were both fond and proud, Our next child was more of a trial,and was very hard to manage. He grew upto be a sporty little Diamond frame—he was a handsome racing wheel, but was geared up toa frightful speed. He would scorch, and was brought home punctured almost every week, and every time our bell rang we were afraid we would see him with a broken fork. But our little drop-frame daughter was our favorite; she was a beautiful model, English chain-guard, narrow tread, and altogether a stylish, up-to- date wheel. Our hopes were set on an ambitious marriage for her, for I was rich and willing to give her a handsome dowry, but when I mentioned the mat- terto her I found to my surprise that *LIFE: she had been indiscreet enough to have formed, already, an attachment for an unspeakably low-grade wheel—a ma- chine with a practically unknown name plate, who dressed in maroon enamel. Well, my son, of course, felt as I did about the mésalliance, and promised to do what he could to pull off the match. He affected a ram's-horn handle about this time, and sported toe-clips and lever-chains, and had altogether a stronger sprocket than steering-head. His style, however, soon interested a very swell young Motorcycle, whom he met one day at a Century run. This was an aristocratic-looking machine just over from England, and he had a tre- mendous amount of manner. He was a second-hand machine, to be sure, but he was of foreign make, and a Motor- cycleat that;surely here was ourchance ! But he was expensive, It took usalong while to arrange the preliminaries, but I finally got him at a bargain. But, to our disappointment, my silly little drop-frame daughter absolutely refused to leave her beloved third-class wheel, which, she asserted, was worth any foreign machine imported. I argued with her in vain, and were it not for a most fortunate accident I might now be the father-in-law of a cheap American pattern. 269 We were speeding ata fair clip up the Boulevard one day, when suddenly my daughter's tire collapsed and she fainted away. Wetook her into a shop to pump her up, but, though we rubbed her with graphite and gave her a good dose of oil, she couldn't go very well, and we decided to send herto a Cyclery. Dur- ing her convalescence one day she chanced to be taken up to the beginners’ school, and there who should she sce but her former lover, disgracefully bob- bing around the Rink, lurching into the padded walls and slopping over the floor, staggering under the weight of a fat man in shirt sleeves and long trous- ers (if, indeed, they were not pants!). But to complete the degradation, the so- called bicycle had been vulgar or effemi- nate enough to actually put on a brake! The sight was too much for my daugh- ter, who swooned away and had to be completely re-paired. After her recov- ery she gave her full consent to the union with the Motorcycle, and the couple were joined without delay. To be sure, her partner doesn't work very well, and it needs a pretty big repair kit to satisfy all his needs; he smokes terri- bly, and requires no inconsiderable amount of liquid fuel. But the prestige of our family make has been preserved. Gelett Burgess. BAD LOOKOUT FOR JOHNNY. ““ COME, MARIAR—COME QUICK | JOINNY ATKINS IS A BUYIN’ A APPLE!" comicbooks.com