Life — August 12, 1897 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

"SEISGORS AT NLL A Kansas farmer who could not get harvest hands put this sign on his fence: ‘* Harvest hands wanted. Hired girl blonde and genial. Cabinet organ music in the evening. Pie three times a day. Three spoonfuls of sugar with every cup of coffee. Hammocks, feather- beds or leather divans at your option for sleeping, Rising hour, 9 o'clock in the morning. Three hours’ rest at noon, Come one, come all.” —Kansas City Journal, “I Hore we shall be entirely settled the next time you call.” “When do you expect to be settled ?”” “Oh, not for a month or so."= Vale Record. Some Journalistic Gems. Q. Wha's the best paper on earth ? A. The /i/umtnator. Q. Does it give away the fraudulent methods of trusts? A. Nit: it never gives anything away but an occa- sional sample copy. Q. What did the ///uminator ever do ? A. It first mentioned Mac for the presidency, and has h, its head done up in a wet rag most ever since. Q. Anything else? A. Yes. Its detectives tracked down seventeen murderers last year. Q. How does it stand on finance? A. It has money to burn and does not water its stock, . Q. No; I mean the financial question. A. It thinks as did the illustrious Patrick Henry about the war. It does not seek money, but if money will come, it is ready to bow to the inevitable. Q. What is its polities ? A. A grim determination to sass either party at will or at a distance. Q. Isthis policy not disastrous? A. On account of the distance from Washington, it has not yet proven so. Q. What are its religious views? A. Pay as you go, Q. Does it how! for protection? A. Yes. Mostly on protection for young girls of twenty-seven from the matrimonial designs of villains of eighty and odd. Its political sentiments? Free silver, free becr, free religion and no pew no monkeying with loaded dice, and easy divorce Answers to Correspondents. “Minnie,” Old Orchard.—Bathe the breath with ammonia. “Orin,” Chelsea, Mass.—The music of ‘Once aboard the lugger and the girl is mine" will shortly be published in the //. Get a guitar and go up and serenade the girl. Also carry a guitar player. From the cramped style of your hieroglyphics we don’t think you could even learn to play a common gardea hose correctly. “‘Leaks."—In the past we have taken most every- thing in payment for subscriptions: once an empty rum cask that now does duty for a paste barrel; again, a pair of second hand gum overshoes that were not so empty, still we are using them. Now, for the first time, we have to record a bushel of prime onions. On the strength of these, the strength of the onions, as we may say, we have put the ‘paid’ mark against the doner's name and squared his account for the ensuing year. We don’t hanker real hard to have our bank account THE MACMILLAN COMPANY : na Bird. By Mabel Osgood Wrigt: Elliott Coues. Old Times in Middle Georgia. By Rictard colm Johnston. The Ways of Li and London: G. P, Putnam's Sons. Clever Tales. Boston: Copeland and Day, A Son of Old Dominion, By Mrs. Burton Harta Boston, New York and London: Lamson, Wolf Company. The Quest of the Gilt- Lyrienne. Oliphant. New} ‘dged Girl. By Rich London and New York: John Laze, editor succinctly remarks, there are leeks in every business concern; so we spose we must Not on the Staff. No useless coffin enclosed his form, Nor in pompous state did we show him; We buried his carcase at dusk on the laws, For he wanted to sell us a poem. —From Watson's Illuminator. (Boston, Mas Biddeford, Me.) AFTER a brief visit in the States, Hon, Thoeu' Bayard is about to return to London. He may er book on his impressions of America. —Kansas City Jour “ Wuar preparation have you made for the, asked the old man, whom he hoped to make his in-law “Well, sir,” he said confidently, “1 ama Mi ist, but if that doesn’t suit your views Iam williy change."—Chicago Times- Herald. Yor sale by all Xewsdealers tn Great Britain. The Inter national 2°, Seda Bream’s Building, Chancery Lane, OENTS. London, E. C., Eng! Paris; Saarbach's N Evrorrax Aa ‘Moser. Brentano, 37 Avence de I'Opery, Exchange, 1 Clarastrasse, Mayence, Germany, Agents for Germany, Austria and Switseriand. The bride’s new home may not supply All luxuries the old provided, But sometimes it is wise to buy x 07 The very best, and, rightly guided, ‘The little wife prefers, like mother, Pure Ivory Soap to any other. (Copyright 184, by The Procter & Cambie Co, Can, (mm KNOX HATS leeaoy IN LIFE __ ‘MALT EXTRACT | MAKES FLESH AND BLOOD ~ AVOID SUBSTITUTES - UEWER 6 MEN OTLEONACO. NEW YOR -— ONE OF THE BEST THINGS Patronize American Industries, i$ the regular use of a good old ale, like richness of bouquet, 5 cuor ath MENRY KEEN, Tailor. Established 1st. |sediment. It has virtues distinctly its own— ripe, mellow flavor, sparkling brilliancy—and not a particle of CIGARS. if ALL IMPORTED, [rides a wheel, he is not yet an expert. The Nate gous, WEDUERD iva 8 ToBAcca, 25c. a Bundle. x 10 in Bundle. Trial Package in Pouch by mail for aze- ladies, H. ELLIS & CO., Baltimore, Md, Tue American Tonacco Co., Successor. |the instinctive gallantry of a Chesterfield. ita High Holborn, London, W.C. Wanted — “An Ide ALTHOUGH Senator Perkins of Calitornia Livia our I DUERSUIG lother evening he was wheeling through the &h new list of one thousand Invention agricultural grounds when he met a ae _— id hi he ki re HIGHEST IN PRICE orc periy ine Senator raised one hand from BEAR and LARGE GAME HUNTING FINESTIN QUALITY (ite ‘haa’ tumbica into bed of flowers “You did that very gracefully, Senator,” was the comment of the trio of bicyclers. York Tribune, Who can think of some simple thing topatent ss eneeete REPU i ON THEY ++ «and RICH in TROUT FISHING, STAND UD In Hungary, over 37.000 acres of land in RIDE WELL “L always dismount ip the presence of one lot, with good routes and railway line, stantly replied the Senator, with are Offercd to let for ten consecutive years, For further particulars, address to NTON MEZEI, at Budapest (Palais Haas).' MEW YORR.CRICACO, PriLadeienia.