Life — December 31, 1896 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HOT SCOTCH. A SKETCH WRITTEN IN REAL SCOTCH DIALECT—$10,000 CASH PRIZE FOR AN ACCURATE TRANSLATION. Ir was a kald miurning i" Abernytheshire near the krag. Ean Mac Clooren goot cop and thressed as foost as he coold in the kald. His twa wee bairns koodled doon i’ the bloonkets. ‘Ach weef,” sad hee, “oor Scootch kliemat 008 ageen mi grain. Only yester whe’ E tried to tooch an auld freend for a guinea or twa he answered: ‘Na, Ean, wee Scootch be canny and E hoy auny enoof for E. “ Whoottkoon E do to ge’ the goold?” sad E. “Go to Amereeca and lectoor to the sauvages theer, get goold put a’ tul’ ma’ ther',‘spa, und ven sie geld genughaben coom back and spend it here in Scootland*and ‘roast ' those Americans in a brand new guide-book to America.’ Dear weef, E will go und geet goold so thot the wee bairns kon cuddle doon soom moor." Whan the milengtfu’ gentlema’ ha’ sai’ tha’ h’ thocht of a wed- dent that, be gorra, he had to perform tha’ day. Twa of his choorch meembers, Mr. Hand ond Miss Foote, were to be married. As he thocht oof this he suddatly clasped his hoonds twagither moaning: ‘Ach, dear weef, E cand marry Meester Hoond and Miss Foote.” ‘Why, (aber) nit?” answered his wife.‘ Beca,” sad he, ‘tha’ couldna’ get a divoorce.” But gimme your reasons for sayen so,” spoke his wife. “Beca’ tha would be bound Hand and Foote."— Texas Si/tings. Ir was ona train going through Indiai Among the passengers were a newly-married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks aboutthem, The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormenters: “Yes, we're married — just married. We are going 160 miles further on this train, and Lam going to ‘spoon’ all the way. If you don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak.” During the remain- der of the journey they were left in pe: change. Ir {s said that, on account of their depth and coldness, the waters of Lake Superior do not give up their dead. A recent traveler there asked the captain ofa Lake Superior steamer why he carried life preservers, the water being so cold that one could not long survive immersion, ‘* Oh," was the nonchalant reply,"*we carry the corks so that it will be easier to recover the bodies |" Argonaut, Durinc his last season in New York an irate creditor, who had sued out a writ of attachment, courteously went to see Colonel Mapleson about it a few hours before the time for beginning the performance. Afterward he told his experience to Arditi. ‘Well, did you get your money?" asked the latter. “Get nothing!" was the reply, ‘*I listened to him talk, sent the deputy sheriff home, and when I came out of his office I had loaned him $75 in cash."— 7he Wave. THE palm for absent-mindedness is probably taken by a learned German, whom a Berlin comic paper calls Professor Dusel, of Bonn. One day the pr fessor noticed his wife placing a large bouquet on his desk. ‘*What does that mean?” he asked. “Why!” she exclaimed, ‘don’t you know that this is the anniversary of your marriage h, indeed, is it?” said the professor, politely. ‘Kindly let me know when yours comes around, and I will reciprocate the favor.” — Pittsburg Bulletin, THE new woman orator waxed eloquent. “And what,” she demanded, as she came to the climax, ‘is to be the result of our emancipation ?”” She looked around with the calm assurance of one who had asked a poser, and this was too much for the little man who was waiting for his wife ina far corner of the hall. “I know,” he shouted. “Ah,” returned the new woman on the platform, scornfully, “the little man with the bald head thinks he has solved the problem that we came here to discuss this afternoon, We will gladly give our attention while he tells us what is to be the result.” “Cold dinners and ragged children,” roared the little man.—Chicago Post. Beeman’s— Truth is Stranger? Than Fiction . . .“. day it is made, and ever after- THE ORIGINAL CAUTION, —See that the name Beeman The Perfection of Chew And s Delicious Bemody for ‘Tadigestion a24 Cea Sickness, Send Se, for sample package. @Bgeman Chemical Co. “83 Lake St,, Clovelacd, 0. epsin Gnewing Cum. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD COMPANY. Personally - Conducted Tours, Marcncass in Every Feature. CALIFORNIA. Three tours to CALIFORNIA and the PACIFIC COAST will leave New York and Philadelphia Janu- ary 27, February 24, and March 27, 1897. Five weeks in California on the first tour, and four weeks on the is on each ing Gum ward, than any other brand, we mean it. That it is the FINEST in the world goes without sayin of being really which comes made in the When we say that ‘Old Crow RYE" costs more the old-fashioned way, after the 2 original formula of James Crow, Esq., the founder of the brand. It is made from strictly first-class grain. As all really first-class goods are soon- e est imitated, look out that the > word RYE, in large, red let- ters, is on the labels, and our firm name on case, cork, capsule, and label. 3H. B. KIRK & CO., Sole bottlers. Established 1853. 67 and 69 Fulton Street; also, Broadway and 27th St., N.Y. 0 900000 00000000000000 90000000 000000000000 ‘i : | 2 3 | | COUGHS,COLDS AND ALL BRONCHIAL AND PULMONARY AFFECTIONS. FOR SALE BY. ALL DEALERS. ORM hl HARTFORD, NEW voRK, second. Passengers on the third tour will return on reg- ular trains within nine months. Stop will be made at New Orleans for Mardi-Gras festivities on the second tour. FLORIDA. Jacksonville tours, allowing two weeks in Florid will leave New York and Philadelphia January 26, Feb- ruary 9.and 23, and March 9, 187. Rate, covering penses en route in both directions, $50.00 from } | York, and $48.00 from Philadelphia. WASHINCTON. Tours, each covering a period of three days, will leave New York and Philadelphia December 29, 189 January 21, February rt, March 11, April: and 22, an May 13, 187. Rates, including transportation and two days’ accommodation at the best Washington Hotels, $14.50 from New York, and $11.50 from Philadelphi: Old Point Comfort Tours RETURNING DIRECT, OR VIA rete RICHMOND and WASHINGTON will leave New York and Philadelphia December 26, 1894, A January 28, February 20, March 18 and April rs, 1897. For detailed itineraries and other information, apply at ticket agencies or address Geo. W. Bovd, Asst. Gen’! Pass. Agent, Broad Street Station, Philadelphia. LONDON