Life — December 17, 1896 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A MUSICAL BURLESQUE. If you want to write a musical burlesque, The recipes you never must ignore: You needn't be amusing or grotesque: Per contra, you should never fail to bore. You needn't care a jot for the nature of the plot— Coherency may run the booking dr; But you certainly will fail if your idiot Doesn't introduce a nigger lullaby. tale You'must make a naughty reference now and then, To the funny little things they do in France, And, if failing to express it with your pen, You can illustrate your meaning with a dance, While no matter what your story, you must mouth about the glory Of the soldier or the sailor far away Like a stripling of a Kipling, or like Tommy when he’s tippling— You are bound to write a patriotic lay. ‘Then you introduce a broker or a Jew; A soldier must be pitted with a sno! And the idiotic heroine must woo Ina song that is supposed to make you sob. If you start Act I. at home, in the second you must roam To the Continent, to India, or Japan; And of late the dolly ditty is considered rather pretty, For it’s well to be domestic—when you can. You needn't be particular with rhymes, “ Mamma" and * far” are jingled by the thron While * love" and ‘ move "—how many, many times!— Are coupled in the sentimental song. A lavish lot of frocks (that display the wearers’ clocks) Must never, never possibly be missed While your prospects will be bright if the risky opening night Sees your “ comedy " most vigorously hissed. —The Sketch. BisHop WILLIAMS, of Marquette, was recently invited to serve his alma mater, Cornell University, as university preacher. He did so, coming straight from the Synod of the Canadian Church at Winnipeg and bringing this story with him: ‘* There was a missionary Bishop there," said Bishop Williams, “who had been six weeks in coming, most of the way by canoe. He rose and began by saying that he would speak for himself and for a brother Bishop who, unfortunately, could not be present. He was sorry to say that his brother's diocese had gone to the dogs! A general gloom followed these words. He went on to say that the Bishop had found so many inquirers after religion among the Esquimaux north of Hudson Bay that he had to build achurch. As there was no wood he used whale’s ribs for rafters, covering them with tanned walres hide, and so made a church to hold eighty persons, ‘All went merry as irarriage bell’ for a time, until—the dogs grew famished and ate the church.” —Troy Times. Mrs. BINGLEY, the occult leader of the Band of Hope circle of the Purple Pence Theosophy, stamped her foot and frowned darkly at child who had come into the parlor with a pail of surf sand and scrubbing brush. ** Flossie,” said the imperious woman, ‘go back to your work instantly." “Twant to be reincarnated, mamma,” pouted the child as great salt tears welled up from her ultramarine optics and dredged channels for themselves down her begrimed cheeks. “Poor, ignorant, unreasoning creature," said Mrs. Bingley, as a look of ineffable sorrow almost dislocated her new Blavatsky face. “Don’t you know that you are Cinderella come back to us from the bygone ages ? It is mect that you should scrub. Some day the Prince will come and give you a glass slipper. Now, be good, and by and by when you know your theosophy primer by heart T'll take you to an insane asylum."—New York Herald. BLYNKINS—A girl who can sing just as soon as she gets up in the morning must have a sweet disposition, Wyxkins—Not necessarily. She may have a grudge against somebody in the neighborhood.—Baltimore News. A Persian philosopher, being asked by what method he had acquired so much knowledge, he answered: ‘By not being prevented by shame from asking questions when I am ignorant."—Grren Bag. A. Olivotti & Co., 395 Fifth BEAUTIFUL THINGS FOR THE ORIGINAL Pepsin Gum CAUTION, —8ee that the name Beeman is on each ‘wrapper. The Perfection of Chewing Gi jum Asda Daliclons ter Tatigesticn and Ces Sickness, READY DEC. roth. Avenue, New York. Bend Se. for sample package. Beeman Chemical Co. “83 Lake Gt, Clovelacd, 0. Popsin Ghewing Gum. HOUSE DECORATION ND FOR PRESENTS. ITALY. ARTISTIC FURNITURE, OBJECTS OF ART, ANTIQUITIES, VENETIAN GLASS, EMBROIDERIES, PAINTINGS IN OIL AND WATER COLOR, Etc., Etc. 31 VIA DEI FOSS!, FLORENCE, HOSE intending to sub- scribe to LIFE will please remember that the Special Christmas Number | is included in the regular subscription price of $5 per TrORD. year. rest in csiat SEES te PULMONARY AFFECTIONS. FOR SALE BY. ALL DEALERS. PRICE TEN CENT. “While there's life there's” TRUTH — filled with at in divers hues; humor in various phases, with a here and-there touch of satire and seasonable pathos. Al well-behaved news-stands keep TRUTH. HARTFORD,