Life — December 10, 1896 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

boiling systems than they do to Armenian literature. Where does the missionary shine more resplen- dent than in picturesque Hawaii, the home of the Polynesian bather? and where are morals so earefully preserved in cold storage vaults? Where do we look for morals in August, when ehurches close and parsons fly? Is it not by the sad sea wave, where brief and beautiful costumes and copious bathing point us to the stars—to Anna Held, whose bath is in the Milky Way?” Thus are we taught the glory of the bath ; thus do we recognize the plumber as a toiler in the vineyard of morals. Is it any wonder, therefore, that the Plumbers’ Union of Philadel- phia has united with the Amalga- mated Poets of East Boston and the Chinese Order of the Knights of the Flatiron, in passing uncom- promising resolutions endorsing Bok, and hailing him as the Pro- phet of the Bathtub, the Confucius of the Washtub, the Soapy Sam— or more correctly, the Wilberforce—of Philadelphia? How unerringly he says that the moral fibre of aman grows coarse and crude who eschews cocoanut fibre jand the soaps adver- tised in the illuminating columns of his great ‘* Chamber- maid's Monthly"! How that inspiring evangel of moral progress—the British tourist—makes the American blush and shrink into himself, as we see him circumnavi- gating the earth with a tin bathtub and seven umbrellas under his trenchant arm! Mr. Bok has placed his finger on the true source of moral uplifting, “THEM AIN'T PEANUTS. IT'S A TELESCOPE.” WHAT THE CENTAUR MIGHT DO TO-DAY. his epoch-making essay will cause a great bathtub awakening in this republic; when the glad tidings reach the millions of homes permeated by the ‘‘ Chambermaid's Monthly,” hand- painted bathtubs will carry moral strength and chastened manners to the toiling proletariat, the horny-handed poet, the blizzard-battered populist, and the soiled millionaires of Brooklyn. The crime-stained burglar will call from his Tombs for a bathtub, and the heathen on India’s coral strand will demand a Sanskrit plumber when the full effect of Bokian morals is felt. On with the grand old work ! the Great Moral Wash Reform! All hail Bok, the Tupper of Joseph Smith, STREET CLEANING MADE EASY. S Colonel Waring another illustration of the disastrous re- sults of a little authority ? There is certainly outward evidence that the holding of office has not only turned his well-shaped head, but has enlarged its circumference to an undesirable—and, we might say, somewhat offensive—extent. If report be true, he has undertaken the banishment of the dog from the streets of the metropolis. That is a clever idea, and if this cheerful reformer could only have his own way the horse would probably follow. And by prohibiting the use of fuel there would be no ashes to remove, and we should have anice, cleancity. But this republic is not yet run on just those lines. We are going to retain our dogs; also our horses, and even our rights to consume fuel. And if this particular Colonel is unable to clean the streets unless the entire population turn to and aid him, he would bet- ter begin by gaining the support of the human hogs who spit upon the sidewalks and keep them in a constant state of filth. comicbooks.com