Life — August 13, 1896 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE SQUARE THING. Tue sheriff was talking politics when a constable drove up with a man in a buggy. “Majah, this yere is Jim Howland, who has ben sentenced to jail fur ninety days by the court over at Marion," said the constable. “Jim Howland, eh?" queried the sheriff. the sentence fur ?” ** Stealin’ two pigs,” said the prisoner. “Waal, yo! orter be sent to jail. Look yere, Jim Howland, what sort of a man might yo" be on the aver- “What's |, age “purty squar’, kurnel—purty squar “Because,” resumed the official, “one end of the jail has caved out, the roof has sunk in, and the niggers has ripped out all the floors. It's a mighty lonesome place to put a white man in, and I don't reckon he'd stay but over two minutes, I dun’t want to be bothered goin’ around thar two or three times a day, and I don’t want to put yo’ to the trouble of breakin’ out.” “I see,” mused the prisoner. “And so y'd better pass yo'r word not to get onery ! and skip out, and yo’ kin hang around town, and come up to the house fur meals.” I'd druther be in jail, kurnel, Fact is, I've allus wanted to be sent to jail, but sunthin’ has allus hap- pened to prevent.” “But consider the circum nuthin’ agin me, hev yo" ?"” “Oh no; but it'll disapp'int the ole woman and childern if I'm not put behind the bars.”” “Thar hain’t a blamed bar or bolt or lock about the shanty, Jim.” ances, Jim. Yo" hain’t PAT SEISERS AT NLL “Couldn't I be chained to the wall ?” “"Y.e-s, yo’ could, but it would be bad fur yo'r health. Yo'd hev chills inside of three days. They'll hev the new jail done next year, and then, if yo" feel that yo" must go to jail, I'll take yo" in fur thirty days.” “Waal,” said Jim, "I don’t want to be onery to nobody, and as yo’ seem to want to do the squar' thing, I'ilagree to hang around town; but remember, kurnel, that the next time I’m sent to jail I'm either goin’ thar or rip the cotton out of one hull side of this county And Jim got down, and was soon seated on the platform, telling the crowd of idlers what ailed the county and the remedy for it.—Harper's Magazine. “I was much interested,” remarked the young lady cannibal, “in what our missionary told us to-day about the burning of the early Christians.” ‘Ab, yes," re- joined her steady company, ‘they must have had pretty bum cooks in those days."—Detroit Tribune. A GENTLEMAN was visiting a Scotch lunatic asylum, where new premises were being added. The inmates were assisting. On seeing one of the latter wheeling a barrow upside down from the building to the stones, the visitor asked him why he wheeled it in that manner. “Oh,” said the lunatic, “that’s the best way.” The visitor took the barrow, and, turning it upside down, said: ‘This is the proper way.” “That's a’ you ken,” said the inmate; “I tried it that way, but they filled it fu’ 0’ bricks." So saying, he trotted on his usual way. — Argonaut. It was not exactly the minister's fault that the ser- mon which he delivered that morning was not entirely his own He had copied a part of the original draf himself and had turned the remainder over to a uensis with directions to complete the work. table where he had been writing and on which lay t manuscript to be copied, was a volume of sermons, até the young woman who did typewriting had looked es further for the matter which was to be transcribed thas the printed pages which lay open before her. It ws too late to recede whent he discovered the error, and be made the best of the situation by cutting his addres short, thereby omitting most of the borrowed portics His conscience troubled him sorely, however, and te felt exceedingly apprehensive when several of the ée cons called upon him. ‘We've come to talk to you about that se:moa,” the spokesman said. “Tt was an accident, I assure you.” “That's what we're afraid of. But, anyhow, st thought it might be as well to ask you if you have any more where that came from.” “ Why, of course there are many more.” “Well, we hope you'll do the best you can to bring ‘em out, for it’s the general opinion of the congregative that it was the best discourse you've yet given, and thi: you ought to be complimented and encouraged (or the change in your style."—Detroit Free Press. A STORY used to be told in London, forty years ago, to the effect that Lady Jersey, going one Sunday tothe chapel in Curzon Street, found all the seats fillet “Well, my dear,” she remarked to her daughter, as the turned away, “at least we have done the civil thing.” Argonaut, For sale by all Newedealers in Great Britain. The Inter national News ‘soled Bream's Building. Chancery Lane, London, E. C., England, AoENTs. EUROPEAN AGENTS—Messra Brentano, 37 Avenve de l'Opera, Paris; Saarbach’s News Exchange, 1 Clarastrasse, Mayence, Germany, Agents for Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Sern cyt —~ then ones A wise young woman understands That Ivory Soap is best to use For outing flannels, sunburned hands, London ba\a> Light summer gowns and tennis shoes. _ dealers. ) BIBBER “Tiere is one queer thing about all @lasgw. . . . these men who get nominated for high| political offices.” are always so happily married.” Messrs. “What is it?” &*CO., “ They| —Chicago Record. Paris. IS REGULARLY ON SALE ABROAD IN PUBLISHING 30 Newcastle Strect, Strand, and atall the principal news- WM. =xchange Place. SOLID SILVERWAR LIFE met ame 0 Dessert pieces of all kinds, |Forks, Spoons and Knives » jall small table wares, |house offers one of the la or etuand,|Stocks of exclusively solids ver in the United States. Buyers whose taste dem PORTEOUS|true forms appropriately, not over decorated, will the stock one specially ches Ci ARETE [ITILE CIGARS. ALL.IMPORTED ToBACCcG. HIGHEST IN PRICE, | FINEST IN QUALITY. asc. a Bundle, xo in Bundle. Trial Package in Pouch by mail for 25c- H. ELLIS & CO., Baltimore, Md. Tue American Tosacco Co., Successor. We hear a good deal fr»m time to time of the earnings of novelists. But what does a poet earn? Some light was thrown on this interesting question in thec urse of a lecture on ‘The Poetry of Aubrey de| Vere,” delivered last night before the Irish Literary Society by Mr. F. H. Trench, | Fellow of Alll Saints’ College, Oxford, at which Mr, Edmund Gosse presided, Th} lecturer related that Mr. de Vere and Mr.| Justice Wright had once a conversation on earnings in literature and earnings at the bar. ‘*For my part,” said Mr. de Vere, “Teall no man poor who can—as I can —double his income at any moment.” “How?” asked the Judge. ‘By laying —— = | down my pen,” replied the poet. Abbott's Angostara Bitters, the only ei —Westminster Gazette, | Original Angostare, all clalms to the notwithstanding, aid digestion. Berlin. . . ° A. FREYBOURG, 36 Zimmer Strasse ; GEORGE STILKE, 3 Dorotheen Strasse. And at the leading newsdealers through- "out Germans Switzerland . and France. ine At Druggists. | |to serve their wants. | THEODORE B. STAR 206 Fifth Avenue, Madison Square, New York. TANEOUS —doesn't net! DONT BOIL contrary | Made in a jiffy, with boiling water oF Sold everywhere.