Life — August 6, 1896 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE. sneak across the street so wide, wriggle, squirm, I rush, I glide: take my chances, oh, so slim— trust to eye, and nerve, and limb; scoot to-right, | gallop through, ‘m here and there, I'm lost to view; My life, I know, hangs in the toss— Another plunge—I am across! Oh, give me pity if you can— I'm just a poor pe-des-tri-an! — Cleveland Plain-Dealer, SALVATION ARMY APOSTLE: If you swear at those horses, my good man, you'll never go to heaven. TEAMSTER (humbly): I knows it, mum; but if 1 don't I'll never get to Tonawanda.—Bufalo Times. Wis Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered to give a new gown to the wife of every man who voted for her brother, When she made this offer at a political gather- ing some one shouted, ‘ Miss Wilberforce forever Whereupon she pleasantly observed: ‘1 thank you very much for the good-will expressed, but, really, I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce forever.” —Washington Times. Care For THE PARTY.—"'Is it true that old Jinks is goin’ ter bolt ? ‘Well, he's been a-talking of it, but I don’t think he's got the heart to kill the party at one blow !"" — Atlanta Constitution, T SIQSOR) AT WvLLy He: Let's kiss and make up. Sue: If you kissed me, I'd have to make up all over again, sure enough.—N. ¥. Press. A DETECTIVE officer tells a story in reference to the photographs circulated for the identification of acertain criminal. A murder had been committed in a busy northern towh and a number of collotype portraits of the murderer were rapidly printed and circulated among the chief police centres, in the hope of securing an ar- rest. Now some collotype photographs show a marked variation in different developments from one negative. The surprise of the chief of the detective department may be imagined upon receipt of the following message from an office in London, where six duplicates of the portrait had been sent: ‘Have arrested five of the want- ed men, and have every prospect of securing the sixth before night."—Weekly Telegraph. AN old fellow who had recently buried his fourth wife was accosted by an acquaintance who, unawares of his bereavement, asked : “How is your wife, Cap'n Plowjogger ?” “Waal,” replied the captain, with a solemn, not to say sad, countenance—" waal, to tell the trewth, I'm kinder out of wives just now."—New York Tribune. “Tuts is a great baseball town, isn't it?” “T should say so. A fellow can't even get off to go to his grandmother's funeral without showing a doctor's certificate."—Chicago Record. : Yes, sir; Lama Democrat. Ah? But what are your politics? N.Y. Press. Bunce TRUDGE: “Ir must be a great privilege to represent constituency in a political convention,” she said, ingly. “It is,” he replied, his bosom swelling with px “You must feel that it is a great honor to be & asa representative man to grapple with the grea blems of state,” she continued. “I do," he admitted. “* | suppose you have given a great deal « thought to the great problems of the day,” she on with increasing admiration for the man ¥i ability was so highly prized by his fellows tha had bestowed this honor upon him, ‘and | kroy. must feel that when you cast your vote in the vention you are exercising the supreme right of a born citizen of the United States.” “Of course.” “How will you vote on the money question?" asked abruptly. ““Oh—ah—I can't exactly say,” he answered, biously. ‘I naven’t received my instructions froa, man who controls our delegation yet."—Chicago had f tine AT acertain high school it is the custom to aq briefly the morning's news before taking up the re work of the day. Onemorning, not long ago, pagel hand, the teacher ascended to her desk. —Befor were the bright young faces of those intrusted to care. She spread the paper upon the desk, and gis] over the first page. ‘* First of all," she said, “Ie heading: ‘Pool Room Raided.'" She raised her and anote of deep feeling came into her voice. “B she continued, “never touch a cue.” There wu a dry eye in the house.—Chicago Tribune. For sale by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The Inter. ows ‘eat: Bream's Building. Chancery Lane, C., Engl London, AGENTS, Paris; Saarbach’s News Exchange, 1 Clarastrasso, EUROPEAN AguxTs—Mesare Brentano, $7 Avenue 0,1" Opery, Mayencg, Germany, Agents for Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Ivory SOAP will tell you that shirts never look as white as when washed with An experienced laundress Ivory Soap. Tne Procrea & Gawot Co., Corn, TEN years | WE PAY x GENTLEMAN'S SMOKE. 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Awakening once in the middle of the night his mother asked | him if he knew where he was.‘ Tourse I do,” he replied. ‘' I'm in the top drawer.” — Youth's Companion. Endorsed by leading physi- cians when stimulant is prescribed. PURE, OLD, MELLOW DRINK HUNTER RYE—IT'S PURE Sold at all First-Class Cafes and by Jobbers. WM. LANAHAN & SON, Battimore, Md. A Lesson 1x DipLosacy.—frs. Hen- dricks (proudly walking out of the sewing| |room): Well, Percy, how do you like my bloomers ? Mr, Hendricks: Oh, they do very well; but, dear me, how much older than usual they make you look. On the following day a neat package, intended for the far-away heathen, was forwarded from the Hendricks home. —Cleveland Leader. Buyers whose taste de |true forms appropriately, not over decorated, will fi the stock one specially chs |to serve their wants. | THEODORE B. STA 206 Fifth Avenue, Madison Square, New York. a Defender of the Rails—The New York Gentral.’—2#ca Hert cbooks.com