Life — May 28, 1896 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

428 -LIFE: THE POSTER'S OPINION OF THE THING IT ADVERTISED. effervesce too much; taking care while doing this not to allow RECIPE FOR AN EPITAPH. | ‘OR those desirous of obtaining a first- | class epitaph the following recipe | may be recommended : “Take a pinch of piety, a handful of hypocrisy, and a large quantity of v lainy ; mix thoroughly till the piety comes to the sur- face, then add from six tocight petty vices (a lar- Funniest Book the year ger supply will not ine jure the flavor), sea- son with affability to taste, and warm carefully with re- / ligious fervor till the vices appear about the size of foibles, and the af- fability assumes the form of habitual decency. Next, take the sole worldly possessions of fifty orphans and a dozen widows, mince fine and sprinkle freely with undetected theft (ona large scale is best); spread the result carefully among various combines, trusts, bubble companies, etc., and skim off the cream before they have time to Afiss Bud: NO WOMAN 18 WORTH LOOKING AT AFTER THIRTY, Miss Elder: NOR WORTH LISTENING TO BEFORE. “Gap! THEY ARE BOTH RIGHT.” the religious fervor to cool to any perceptible extent. If the mixture seems to lack body, do not hesitate to add more widows and orphans. “*As a test to ascertain whether or not you have carried out these first two steps in the process with perfect accuracy, you may at this stage take a look at your bank account and the general state of your reputation ; if the former looks like a somewhat complicated multiplication table, and the latter is shining like polished brass, you may be quite sure that all is in proper shape. “Now prepare a mould of public opinion by endowing a college or erecting a church; pour in the second mixture (softened, if necessary, by a legacy to an orphaned relative) ; on top of this place the first mixture (if not suffi- cient, add delicate parings of newly-picked vice till the requisite amount is made up— but no further); then place the whole thing in as light a place as possible, and blow hard till it is firmly fixed in shape. “Serve in liberal slices on a granite tomb- stone, and keep the remnants for obituary notices in the larger newspapers.” HG B. A DIFFICULT PROBLEM. HERE are awful rumors, mutterings and rever- berations of deep-seated difficulty between the line and staff of the Navy. The line includes all of- ficers who are in the line of succession to the command of aship. The staff consists of all other officers—engineers, paymasters,surgeons, naval constructors, chaplains and ma- rines, The line fights ) the ship; the staff makes its wheels go round and keeps it in fighting order, The theory, which has come down from the past in the Navy, seems to be that the line is socially and officially superior to the staff, but the staff wants equal honors and privileges with the line, rank for rank, and exclusive control in its own department. The Navy Department is losing sleep over the problem how to make line and staff work harmoniously together for the good of the service. Lire trusts it may straighten things out to its satisfaction, but it has a job on its hands which seems to demand the genius of a naval McAllister for its successful elucida- tion. “Wit soITOK “St comicbooks.com