Life — May 21, 1896 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES. (For present purposes.) REAMBLE. We, the people of the United States, having long since outgrown any delusions we may have entertained on the subject of justice, domestic tranquility, general wel- fare, the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our pos- terity, do ordain and establish this Constitution : ARTICLE I. THE Concress.—Section 1. The House of Repre- sentatives shall be composed of blatherskites whose lungs have been duly tested. The House of Representatives shall choose their Speaker with sole reference to his presidential boom and no member shall be permitted to make a speech unless he knows all about foreign coun- tries and their affairs and nothing of his own. Section 2. The Senate shall be composed of men worth not less than $10,000,000 each, unless it be*proven to the satisfaction of the country that a member is a boss, in which case the office shall be deemed hereditary. Sena- tors shall be chosen by the Legislatures of their respective States in the following manner: Each State Legislature shall divide itself into two nearly equal parts or divisions. Each division shall be armed to the teeth and at the word of command proceed to bombard the other, The side having most survivors by the time the militia interferes shall name the Senator, who, in turn, must fight his way through when he reaches the national capital. Section 3. Neither House shall adjourn until the business interests of the country are utterly ruined. Section 4. The Congress shall . have power: 1, To turn the country upside down, 2. To make the financial system of the nation a laughing-stock. 3. To make every business man wish he had never been born. 4. Todrive the President of the United States crazy. 5. To fight all the nations of the earth single-handed. 6. To enjoy itself in a general way by appropriating money that is not in the treasury, by looking after the ambas- sadors who are civil in a foreign land, by attending each other's funerals and by raising pandemonium on the slightest provocation. ARTICLE II. Tue ExecuTive.—Section 1. The President shall be chosen as follows: A howling mob shall assemble in one large city from all parts of the country and yell un- til the bosses have had enough and settle the matter among themselves. But no man shall be thus chosen who holds any intelligible or known opinion on any subjects ARTICLE III. Tue Jupiciary.—Section 1. The Supreme Court shall exist for the benefit of the few and far between, and shall in no case render a decision until twenty years after a suit has begun before it. Section 2, Anybody who is not pleased with this management shall be guilty of contempt of court. ARTICLE IV. GENERAL.— Section 1. The people of the United States shall be objects of the scorn and contempt of their chosen rulers. Section 2. It shall be a misdemeanor for the people to care anything about the gov- ernment of the United States.” They shall neglect it on all occasions, and the intelligent and instructed classes must remain at all times in complete ignorance of public , affairs. Section 3. Treason shall consist in an attempt to definitely settle*the financial question or to reform the govern- ment, Alexander Harvey. FINANCE, OLLY: They say he had tu settle a quarter of a million on his eldest daughter because of a mole on her forehead. Jack: That was a case of spot cash. Ge D°%s your wife worry about you when you travel?” “Not at all. She knows I al- ways buy accident insurance.” jo ann,