Life — April 16, 1896 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UNPARALLELED. DITOR: Why, this article you've written isn’t sen- sational. It's a statement of the exact facts in the case. REPORTER: I know it. But when it appears in our paper think of the sensation it will make! By DAISY. Daisy will publish horoscopes in this de- partment only in the order received, Re- ‘ member the conditions. Cut out all the Pictures from 4,000 copies of Lire and forward them to Daisy, to- ‘gether with a photograth of your brain by Roentgen. Twinkle, twinkle, little star; Daisy tells us what we are. TOMMY (R-D). Ts gentleman was born under exceptional auspices, directly under Venus, the sun making 48 revolutions to the minute, the blushing mer- maids on Aquarius clad in Persian veils, and a bicycle face on the man in the moon. He is thin and angular, with cork whiskers, cupid front and an Adam's apple that moves up and down like the freight elevator in a Chcago warehouse. . Is possessed of a confiding, trust- ing Cape Cod nature, believing all that he sees, and should never go out without a chaperon. Must not go near places where machinery is operated,and should avoid sharp instruments. Likely to be disappointed often, notably in ‘96, and his wish will not come true. Will find his most agreeable companions among persons of democratic temperament. Should lead a quiet home life, surrounded by a few close friends, avoid all excitement, and wear handcuffs when writing letters. Would make a good president of a windmilpr succeed as keeper of a lunatic asylum. * * * LEVI P. (M-R-T-N). HIS gentleman was born under the milky way, Taurus tossing up for the drinks, Geysers spout- ing pastorized cream on Jupiter, the bottom out of the little dipper and Cancer and Capricorn coming in through the side door. He is fourteen hands high, weighs 2,000 pounds f when in condition, can do a mile in thirty- one minutes and looks well in a vacant lot. i He has a sanguine temperament, which hopes without reason, and is constantly j looking for better things, but not likely to succeed. Evil times in latter part of '6, and may go abroad for his health. Danger in politics. Will find his most agreeable com- panions among the lower animals. Succeed as a dry-goods clerk or a messenger boy. IGNACE (P-D-E-R-S-K-W-l), HIS gentleman was not abletotellthe exact hour of his birth, but has sent a lock of his hair which answers the same purpose, and which Daisy returns by freight to-day. He was born under Capricorn, a grilled edge on Venus, Job's coffin standing on end, the Northern Cross illuminated with 4,0cocarat diamonds, and all space echoing tothe glad news. He is short and stout, with a Cleveland neck; has a $5,000 expression, cellu- loid ears, and a German band exterior. Would do good work in the mint. Is pos- sessed of a hard, rebellious nature ; quite dan- gerous when aroused, and should avoid the society of ladies. Looks well in a Mother Hubbard ; should wear woolen gloves when awake and drink a quart of cologne before each meal. Will succeed asa chimney-sweep. REFORM. ROWN: Have you heard about that temperance movement in New Jersey? Jones: No. What is the plan? “To encourage the use of beer and whiskey as substi- tutes for hard cider.” VER indulgence in official plums results eventually in enforced abstinence. A CENOTAPH. OOD ELNATHAN went from Slocum, Back in 1839. To become a tenens locum In the mission- ary line. And the Hea- then, it is said, ened Dearly loved their missionary; Grief—or something—seemed to choke 'em When the worthy man was dead. Then the Populace of Slocum, Though they hadn’t him to bury, Though the outlay almost broke ‘em— Placed upon the hallowed spot, Where his blest remains were not, In the local cemetery, An expensive marble shaft, Elegantly epitaphed, Pleasantly obituary: ‘ kor good Elnathan shed a pious tear— Departed Saint !— Would that his lost remains were resting here— But, Ah! They ain't! In Afric’s clime he hath a warm sarcophagus In the deep bosom of an Anthropophagus.” P. Dana comicbooks.com