Life — April 9, 1896 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

T $25ORS Av NvLLy Many years ago Barney Barnato rented a little house in one of the frontier towns of South Africa. Barney spent considerable in improving the house, but he quar- reled with his landlord and decided to move. By in- serting the following advertisement in the local paper, the prospective millionaire in some measure got even with his landlord: “Wanted, by a gentleman who agreed to leave dwelling occupied by him in condition in which he found it, ro0,000 lively black beetles.” Then followed Barney's name and address.—Argonaut. UNCLE Steve MELTON is famous in Jacksonville for his liberal dispensation of charity and cuss words, He does not use cuss words in a profane way, but simply as a matter of economics. He finds in his fish house that he can get more work out of his colored assistants when he uses forcible expletives. Some months ago a friend came to him and said: “A friend of mine, a very wealthy Cuban gentleman, is coming to this country to start a large cigar factory. He does not speak a word of English, and his desire is to rent a room in some family where English alone is spoken in order that he may master the language.” ‘Let him come up to my house,” said Uncle Steve, bluffly, and so the arrangement was made. After having been there about a month the foreign gentleman was introduced to a lady. He bowed low, with his hat hand over his heart, and said : “Ab, senora, I'm d—d if I ain't glad to meet you!"—Florida Times. Union, From Sunday to Monday, when he is in England, Labouchere usually retires to his country-house on the banks of the Thames, at Twickenham. Every summer he gives a lawn-party to which all fashionable London goes. It was at one of these parties that Labby delivered himself of the appended joke. Said a visitor, ‘* Why, what a splendid place you have here, Mr. Labouchere. Your lawn right on the river. Just think of it!" “Yes,” he replied ; ‘* we have the lawn on the river in the sum- mer and the river on the lawn in the winter. What more could we want ?"—Pittsburg Bulletin, “Any quail about this neighborhood ?” inquired a tourist who was about to register at a Western Texas hotel. “ Quail!” said the proprietor, with an indulgent smile; “they have got to be a nuisance. The cook complains that she can’t throw a piece of toast out of the back window but four or five fat quails fight to see which one shall get on it."— Texas Sifter. Tue Rev. Samuel E. Pearson of Portland, Me., was a witness in a divorce case the other day. ‘Mr. Pear- son," asked the judge, "were you on this bench in my place and acquainted with all the circumstances of this case, would you grant this divorce?" ‘ Most certainly, your honor,” replied the minister. ‘But how do you reconcile this statement with the injunction, ‘What God hath joined together let no man put asunder’ ?” “Your honor, I am satisfied that the Lord never joined this couple,” replied the clergyman.—Argonaut. HENRY HOLT & CO., NEW YORK. N PARODY. By A. S. Martin. Emma Lou—Her Book, By Mary M. Mears. CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS, NEW York, The House. By Eugene Field. A Fool of Nature, By Julian Hawthorne. A Master Sees By Harriet Prescott Spofford, The Eary tfe of Abraham Li ineetn, By Tarbell. York and London : S. S. Mc Claes Tai cawetens of Marrice Buckler. a vork: Wacmtiave Co ne anaes Love Affairs of a Wortdly Man. By Maibeil New Vork and phi ‘hicago : F. Tennyson Neely EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET. You build a sonnet on about this plan: Your first line ground out, take the next one—so: And make it rhyme with this one, just below, ‘Then, next, you match the first line, if you can, Don’t hurry the machine. The lines must scan, ‘With steady motion turn the crank. You koow 'Tis not a sonnet if it limps. Go slow. Now find some rhyme for “scan “—for instance, an, As to the last six lines some latitude * May be allowed. Take any word, as ‘‘ grove.” ‘ow hunt a rhyme for “‘ latitude.” Try shrewd. This line must end with dove, or love, or strove, And this with mood, or prude, or crude, or dude; And there's your sonnet. Throw it in the stove. —Chicago Tribure For sale by all Newsdcalers ent Britain. The Inter. national News ieee gece” NN Dream's Building. Chancery Lane, London, E. C., Eng! AGENTS, Evuornan Agrxre—Mesars, Brentano, $7 Avenue de, '\Opera Parle; Saarbach's News Exchange, I. Clarastrame, Mayen, Germany, Agente for Germany, Austria and Switzeriand. omfort in =Bicyclin In every part a bicycle must Waiour & Co. Még. Chem-|| be adjustable so as to fit the ista, Detroit, Mich. || |] varying conditions of human ~ _ anatomy. a bicycle so re, fully meets this requirement as t! “More pie, Johnnie? Why, chil f we | can’t possibly hold another mouthful.” ‘* But, ma, our teacher says there's always | room at the top!"—New York Tribune. | careful diet and the | daily use of a good soap like the Ivory will purify the complexion as no cosmetic can. ‘Tne Procter & Gawace Co., Wright's Myrth | Ivory SoAP 9 "Plenty of sleep, fresh air, c Ve You enjoy Abbott's Original Angostura Bitters so much that you forget you are taking a tonic. All druggists. STANDARD OF THE WORLD Columbia saddes = the standard of ct LITTLE CIGARS. AUL IMPORTED TOBACCO, HIGHEST IN PRICE FINEST IN QUALITY. asc. a Bundle, ro in Bundle. ‘Trial Package in Pouch by mail for age. H. ELLIS & CO., Baltimore, Md. ‘Tue Amxzican Tosacco Co., Successor, HER PRESENCE OF MIND.—"' Rose's mar- | riage is off.” “How embarrassing ! vitations were out.” “Yes; but she just called them in and | made it a s-o'clock tea."—Chicago Record. Her wedding in- |} 1... is the standard of rigid, quick-sd completeness. || Cotumbias in construction and || quality are in a class by ‘themselves. a ———| Summer Law Leorures. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA. ly. 1 to Sept. 1, 1808. For students and | practitioners 2th address ( Mane tr rane Bicycre reas ca OP ALL MOST SATISFACTORY ae Cotarabiee: woh wlio bla age It's motto always has b and is” BUILT on HONORY Ip tHe RIAS ARE VERMILION ITS. 1 WARWICK ~ CATALOGUE PREE WARWICK CYCLE MFG. CO. SPRINGFIELD, AASS.2ormee “Theat hat Willits ha’ withdrawn from membership in the church. What was the| trouble?” —t “He and the minister got into a row ‘over whose wag the best bicycle. —Indianapolis Jour nat. |