Life — March 19, 1896 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Fi Ir is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with the garden hose, I have faced death in almost every form, and Ido not know what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into the zodiac and the other peering into the middle of next week, and wear- ing one of those floppy sunbonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hose and turns on the full force of the in- stitution, I fly wildly to the Mountains of Hepsidam, Water won't hurt anyone, of course, if care is used not to forget and drink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertainty about facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross-eyed woman that unnerves me and paralyzes me. Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I amas cool and collected where leaden rain and iron hail are thick- est as 1 would be in my own office writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes, But I hate to be drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land, and have my dying gaze rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-guage mule into convul- sions and make him hate himself t' death.—Aidd Nye. Iv one of the smaller towns of Kentucky lives a negro familiarly known as Tim” White. On one occasion it was necessary to record his full name. The not unnatural supposition that “ Tim” stood for * Tim- othy " was met with a flat denial. ‘No, sah! My right name is ‘ What - timorous-souls- we - poor - mortals - be White.” Dey jes’ calls me ‘Tim’ fo’ sho't, sah.""—PAila- delphia Post. Av NvLLys “MR. INst and pessimist “Yes, sir. An optimist is a man who is happy when he's miserable, and a pessimist is a man who is miser- erable when he's happy.”— Chicago Record. “TALK of man,” roared the female emancipator, “what has man ever done for woman ?"" ‘* Furnished a model to her to imitate," said a voice in the rear of the hall, and then an awful quiet ‘reigned.—Adams (Mass.) Freeman. B, give the class your idea of optimist “Var you dink of my son Ikey,” said old Mr, Ein- stein, “he vill pull down my gray hairs mit sorrow to der grave.” “Vor why ?" asked old Mr. Rlumenstein, “Vor why? Vy, der odder month Ikey came to me and sait, ‘ Fader, let me haf den thousand dollars und I make a million.’ ‘Ikey,' I say, ‘den thousand dollars aind to be found on efery bush.’ ‘I know thad, fader,’ he sait, ‘ bud if you vill gif me ten thousand dollars I vill make a million. [ vill be richer dan Vanderbild in a shord time.’ Und I prayed to Moses und Isaac und I thought der matter ofer und I wend to Ikey und say, *Ikey, vat vill you do vid den thousand dollars ?’ und he sait to me, ‘Fader, I don't nefer tell you an undrudh. I vill make a million dollars.’ " “Und you gif him der money ?” asked old Mr. Blu- menstein. “Und I git him der money,” replied old Mr. Ein- stein. MACMILLAN & CO., NEW YORK AND Lonpoy, AVENGRO. By George Borrow. Aliss Stuart's Legacy. By Mrs. F. A. Steel, Lives That Came to Nothing. By Garrett Leigh, illustrations by Ida Lovering. 4 The Scarlet Letter, A Dramatic Co George Parsons Lathrop, for Music by rosch. New. York and ‘London Publishing Co. Washington ; or, The Revolution Allen. Chicago and New York : Observations, of a Bachelor. Utica : L. C. Childs & Son. Ly Part Il. By Te Nee . Tennyson By Louis Lo “Und has he made der million ? “Und has he made der million ? menstein, you gif me a pain! million ? Vat you think that fool boy don “Vat did he do ?” Old Mr. Einstein stroked his beard nervous wept bitter tears, ‘Vat did he do? Vy, he wes to Omaha und started a cloding-store in a fi buildings."—Buffalo Express. Hol » AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. l envy the man who makes Mabel her shoes, Because, to get down to the root, We both take our orders from her, bi The cobbler has Mabel to boot. New Vork Here ut, You see, For salo by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The Inter- national News Company, Bream’s Building, Chancery Lane, London, E. C., England,’ Aorta, Evnorssx AoraTe—Mewsre. Brentano, 57 Avenue ds 0pm Sted ee etree ee res «a VENDOME" zousret, BOSTON are ©, H, Guxmrimay The New York Journal recently offered ten bi- cycles to the ten win- ners in a guessing con- test, leaving the choice of machine to each. ALL OF THEM ‘A bath as cleansing, sweet and mild As Ivory makes it, always seems To bring such comfort, that the child Drops fast asleep with happy dreams. (Copyriebtnd, 1094, by The Procter b Gamble Ca. Cnt THE INK sinncccas, |PRED’K H. LEVEY CO., 69 Beekman St., N.Y. The Great Ball Nozzle Fountain Syringe is a uarantee of health and comfort to women. Send for circular. For sale by all druggists. AMERIC, OZZLE Co., 837-847) | Broadway, Surin THE ResponstpiLty.— The ladies of Pittsfield society seem to be ex-| ceptional in the matter of modesty in j |desiring to not have their names appear in public print. In anticipation of the} Union Firemen's ball The Morning Call had cards printed, respectfully requesting the lady to whom given to write her name land briefly describe her costume, and hand) the same to The Cal's representative. Thi: lwas to facilitate The Calf in making up its report of the function correctly. The cards were distributed during the grand march, land when the young man from the paper undertook to take them up, he found that the ladies, with a few exceptions, refused ito comply with the request. If, in the re- port, given names are misspelled andj ‘descriptions of gowns are missing, or ‘inaccurate, the ladies will have only themselves to censure. ‘Pittsfield (Mass.) Call, es AIISTATON DERIVED FROM Caf) EEPINTHE HEART iS) OF EVERY RIDER )., ISA PLACE FOR ( E WARWICK | S 0F 7 DESCRIPTION | DELIGHTFUL = BLEND for them, too. On even terms 2) umbia is chosen THE BICYCLE THATS APPRECIATED ON. All you have guesse! insurance may be you wish to koow send for “ How and Born, Feb. 2th, 1895, a daughter to} (Mr, and’ Mrs. J. B. Both are doing, well. Albion (Mich.) Recorder. A 202. TRIAL PACKAGE XN 2. PosTPAo ror Scents MARBURG BROS. Arcus Parc sxcesson