Life — March 5, 1896 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Oucn! oh! help! help!” screeched an agonized voice in the middle of the night, from the upper story of the leading hotel in Hawville, Okla. ‘Oh, gee- whizz! Quar-r-r—" “What's the matter upstairs, Jim 2” inquired Alkali Ike, who had dropped in for his nightcap. “Ah, [reckon it's one of them fool tourists havin’ trouble with his spring bed," replied the night clerk.‘ Newcomers don't understand how to manage them beds very well, an’ every night or two somebody gits one of the spiral springs screwed into his back like a shirt stud. When I git your pizon mixed, we'll go up thar and unscrew the poor cuss, Yells like it hurts him considerable, don't he t"—7ruth, “ WILLIAM," she said, * you need a new hat.” “Dol?” “*Yes. And a new overcoat. “have suspected that.” “And your umbrella is shockingly shabby.” “TL know it.” “What are you going to do about it ?” “Thaven't any idea," he responded gloomily. And then, with the animation which comes with a happy thought, he added: ‘You might give a tea.”— Washington Star. “Ske that poor deaf mute trying to make the ticket agent understand what he wants.” “He isn't a deaf mute. That's Colonel Cusser—he was converted at the revival meeting to-night and now he’s missed the last train home."—Detroit News, Sue: Just think, Edgar, I ordered the dressmaker to make me a dress for the street and she has sent me a traveling costume instead. He: Well, what are you going to do about it ? Sui All we can do is to take a trip to Nice.—Fliegende Blaetter. THE professor was lying on the sidewalk, his face wearing its usual thought- ful expression and his feet slowly moving in circles. His bicycle lay about five yards away. The friend who espied him ran to his assistance.“ Are you burt 2” asked the friend, as he assisted the old gentleman to his feet. ‘The professor looked about him for a moment. ‘* Dear me !"" he exclaimed, “I must have run into the curb and fallen off."—/ndianapolis Journal. Here isa story that one of the Southern members vouches for. A young man, one of his constituents, applied to him fora $r,oooclerkship. The member secured the appointment, but the day before the constituent was to be sworn in he came to his representative in a troubled state of mind and said : “Colonel, I have had $125,000 left me by an aunt, and, my God! just think what I have to go through again.” ‘* Let me congratulate you,” said the representative. “No, don't do that,” said the constituent; ‘t you don't know what you're congratulating me on.” “Yes, I do,” said the member, ‘for now you can live without working.” * Colonel,” said the distressed young man, ‘I may as well tell you. Several years ago I had $100,000 left me by another aunt, and it took me nearly a year to spend it. After I got through I had to go to the hospital for six months to get over the effects of my dissipation, The reason I came to see you to-day was to ask you to keep that place for me until I can spend this money." — Washington Post, “WHEN ‘The Wicklow Postman’ was out on its memoraole tour a year or so ago,” said an actor in the company, ‘we almost stranded in Hot Springs. Our next stand was Texarkana, and the manager wired me we must be sure to come on—would certainly play to abig house. Well, I raised enough money to getto Texarkana. It was dusk when we reached there, and, as we rode up to the hotel ina ‘bus, I saw what I presumed was the glow of sunset over the house- tops, ‘By Jove!’ I remarked to the driver, ‘you do have fine sunsets down here.’ ‘Sunset nothing !' he growled, as he glanced in the direction I was look- ing, ‘that's the opera house on fire.'"—Argonaut, Haviland China It is important to buyers that they should be informed that the only ware that has always been known as Haviland China is marked under each piece: oi nonad Limoges . On Decorated China. H &C° fran’ On White China, | Ceoeccccccccoccococooeo‘ee | SSVeesVeeseoseseoesues Keep the Name in mind NUBIAN Fast Black \Cotton Dress Linings WILL NOT CROCK. Ladies and dressmakers everywhere have proved ‘their high character. Podtirely unchangeable. Not affected by perspiration. Made in several qualities for the finest Gowns and inexpensive Dresses. At All Dry Goods Stores. Look for this on every yard of the Selvage. Qa Tuwktan Fase Clack SCHERING'S PIPE GOUT? For Sale by Druggists. Pampncer Face. LEHN & FINK, Agents, New York. Gravel, Calculus, Lazy Liver, and all Uric WILL CURE IT. RECOMMENDED FOR Acid Troubles. t , t \ t ¢ 4