Life — February 13, 1896 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TIGERS AT WLL PLEA OF THE MILK MERCHANT. Scene—A back-yard, secluded. In the foreground a pump. Enter MERCHANT, with milk-pails. Mick MeRcHANT— The quality of cow's milk is not strained, It streameth from the udder of the cow Into the pail beneath ; it is twice skimmed, Once by the wholesale, second by the retail ; ’Tis thinnest when tis carried to the door Of the consumer ; and it incubates A typhoid microbe better than the air. This pump doth show how good hydraulic power, The attribute of profit in the trade, Can be applied despite the law of queens. But milkmen are above the dread of law, It is enthroned upon the judge’s bench, And concrete stalks in guise constabular ; But legal power doth then seem least majestic When a milkman tips a policeman. Therefore I, Though evil be my deed, pump thus—and thus. [ Pumps. Though I observe a nice discrimination In course of pumping, lest it chance that some Anxious customer with a test-tube pry For foreign bodies in the virgin milk. [Ceases pumping.) —Argonaut. A NUMBER of prominent literary men were at one time gathered together in a well-known chop-house in New York. The conversation was, of course, brilliant, and the repartee sparkled with mirth and wit. During a lull in the talk the door was slowly opened, and an old South- ern darky, grizzled with age, poked his head in, and then slowly drew his body after him, A waiter immediately started to eject him, when one of the gentlemen cried out, Wait a moment! let's see what he wants!" ‘The old darky hobbled up to the table where this gentleman sat,and held out bis hat. Throwing a wink to his neigh- bors, the gentleman took the hat, and making a show of placing something into it, bravely passed it on to the next gentleman, who did likewise. The hat made a tour of the entire room, to the puzzled wonder of the darky. The last man to receive it solemnly handed it back, with a very polite bow, saying, '* There, sir; don’t you think you have something to be thankful for 2” ‘The old darky looked slowly round the company, and mechanically taking the hat, said, ‘ Gen'men, I's indeed tankful dat I's eben got de hat back."—Harper's Round Table. Major McLAUGHLIN put a new man at work at his mine the other day drying out dynamite. “Now,” said he, by way of explanation, “ you've got to keep your eye on that thermometer in the heater. If it gets above 8s, you're liable to hear a noise around here. When it reaches 82 degrees, you've got just three min- utes in which to work, for it takes three minutes for it to rise to 8s.” An hour later the major returned to see how the man at the heater was doing. “Well, how is it getting along ?” he inquired. VIRGINIA COUSIN AND BAR H. 4 RIES. “By Mts. Barton Harrison peat and New Yor: Lamson, Wolffe & Company. The Love Mfairs of a Bibliomaniac. B Fick, ‘Reve COE CRheles Serlbner™ y Eos Paul and Virginia of a Northern, Zone. ¥rom Danish of Holger Drachmann. Chicago: Way Williams, The Fat and the Thin. By Emile Zola. ‘Transtang by Ernest Alfred Vizetelly. Chicago and Ne P Tennyson Neely. ve w Yeds “Oh, first rate.” “Do you watch that thermometer ?” “You bet your life I do, and I'm keeping her dows? He reached into the heater, pulled out the theras meter. “Whew! She's up to 8" he remarked * Then, that'll fix it!” He jammed the thermometer into a bucket of call water and hung it back on the heater. Then he ww dered what McLaughlin was running for.—San Free cisco Post. SALESMAN: Do you want to have your goods sex by any particular express ? Customer: Certainly, if you can find a partie express. I can't.—Roxbury Gazette, DiscouraceD Artist: I don't think I paint as well as I did ten years ago. CRITICAL FRIEND: Ob, yes you do; but your usr is improving.—Century. all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The Inter- Company, Bream’s Building, Chancery , England,’ Aces. Ivory Soap There is a “comfortable feeling” that comes after a bath with Ivory Soap. ‘Tne Paoctea & Gasre Co., Ci GOLDEN: ‘SCEPTRE Ys: PERFECTION. We WILUSEND On RECEIPT OF 10* A SAMPLETO B\* ANY ADDRESS. PRICES OF iene (MARIANI WINE) I know of.” of Celebri MARIANI & CO., At Daveorsrs & Fascr Gaocezs. Avorp Seaerrenoxs, Sent free, if this paper is mentioned, , Descriptive Book, Portraits and Autographs the book at your druggist HARTFORD a out how good they were wt foe ot ber Sree ae Tubes ot vt Best of all—easiest of alltore pair—are Hartford Single -Tube Tis The Standard Tires ‘You can have them on any bicycle if you ash] THE IDEAL FRENCH TONIC. ‘The Hartford Rubber Works Cs “Have used Vin Mariani some years; it is the best tonic HARTFORD, CONN. Kyrle Bellew. | Beecham's pills for stipation 10¢ and 25¢. and go by it. (a eed ee, Ananal aales more than 6,000,000 boxes Ccomicbooks.com