Life — January 23, 1896 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

hi iui “WILL YOU KINDLY MOVE A LITTLE AND GIVE THAT TIRED LOOKING WOMAN A SEAT?" “poT's A JOKE ON YOU! SHE'S MY V .. THECLUB=. a I Fas MANHATTAN, MARTINI, WHISKEY, HOLLAND GIN, TOM GIN, VERMOUTE and YORE. We guarantee these Cocktails to be made of absolutely pure and well matured liquors and the mixing equal to the best cocktails served over any bar in the world. Being compounded in accurate proportions, they will always be found of uniform quality. Connoisseurs agree that of two cocktails AVOID IMITATIONS. For Sale by all Druggists and Dealers, G. F. HEUBLEIN & BRO., Sole Props., 69 Broadway, N..Y., Hartford, Conn. 20 Piccadilly, W. London, Enq. ScENE.—A schoolroom in the year 1900. Teacher (to new boy)—‘‘ Hans, have you got your certificate of vaccination against small- “* Have you been inoculated for croup ?”” “Yes, sir.” “* Have you had an injection of cholera bacil- lus?" “Yes, sir. “Have you a written guarantee that you are proof against whooping cough, measles and scarlet fever?” “Yes, sir.” “Are you provided with your own drinking cup?” “Yes, sir.” “Will you make a solemn promise never to exchange sponges with the other boys and never to use any other pencil but your own?” “Yes, sis.” “* Do you agree to have your books fumigated with sulphur and your clothes sprinkled with chloride of lime once a week ?” “Yes, sir.” “Hans, I see that you fulfill all the require- ments of modern hygienics. Now you can climb over that wire, place yourself on an iso- lated aluminum seat, and commence doing your sums."—Munchener Newester Nachrich- en. MINISTER RaNsom, when he was in the Sen- ate, was one day going down the Capitol steps when he saw approaching a very dull, long- winded man. Ransom was in no mental or physical shape to bear the brunt of a full- fledged bore just at that moment. As the dull one drew near, Ransom greeted him with sour shortness, and hurried by. The other had paused ; butat this brief dismissal turned away. Ransom, smitten of conscience at his own rude- ness, turned pleasantly when some ten steps separated him from the bore, and called out; “Good-bye, Simpkins! I've been thinking a mighty heap about you lately, Simpkins!" At this, Simpkins began to betray symptoms of returning. ‘* Butdon'tcome back, Simpkins, remonstrated Ransom, wildly motioning with both hands; ‘* I" en thinking a mighty heap about you lately, Simpkins; but don’t come back ; don't come back !"* NOTICE. Subscribers to “LIFE” Will please give old address as well as new when request- ing change of same. LL. Dowd's Health Exerciser For Gentlemen, Ladies, Youthi sd. Complete gym! 3 joorroom ; new, scientific, dura- indoreed by 100,000 physs- lar, dengravi DOWD, Scientific, Cattare, dase th street, NY. Allyou have guessed about life insurance may be wrong. If PAY 12 wish tw know the trutn, send for “How and Why, POST. sued by the Penx Mutvat I g2t-3-5 Chesinut Stree’, Phila- > ACE, cctpnia. comicbooks.com