Life — June 6, 1895 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Tue Colonel wanted to buy a piece of land bordering on the Arkansas river and owned by a queer old fellow named Allport. The tavern keeper posted us on his eccentricities, and cautioned us particularly that he believed the world was flat and would not sell to anyone who disputed him, We found the old man seated on a stump and fishing in a creek near his cabin, and when the object of the visit had been stated he inquired : “Stranger, what's your religun 2” “ Baptist,” replied the colonel, according to programme. “What's yer politics ?” “Haven't got any.” “Do you think we orter annex Mexico?” “do.” “If you was on a jury and a feller was on trial fur pickin’ up a few sawlogsin the river, how would you go—fur or agin him ?" “I'd vote to acquit him, of course. When sawlogs break loose and go float- ing’down stream they are common property.” “That's so! That's as true as gospil!” exclaimed the old man.“ Stranger, I wish you was goin’ to settle around these parts. I like a man who talks plumb upand down as you does. So you want to buy land? Shouldn't a bit wonder if we could dicker, Be you a temperance man ?” “Oh! not I get drunk whenever I feel like it, and I always keep four gallons of whisky in the house." “That's it! That's bewtiful! If we had five men like you around yere we'd run the county, Yes, I expect you kin hev that land at my sellin’ price, which is $3,000.” “ When can you make out the papers ?” asked the colonel. “Oh! to-day, I reckon. Stranger, do you believe in wimmin's rights ?" “No, sie” “That's bewtiful! Yes, I think we kin git the papers made out to-day. Kunnel, can't you arrange to settle down yere? How about Jonah and the whale I don’t believe Jonah was swallowed.” “ Bewtiful—bewtiful! I think I kin let you hev that land fur about $2,500. What do you think about this yere world, kurnel—is she round or flat ?” “« Flat as a pancake, of course !"" promptly replied the colonel. “Do you believe it?” “Of course, A man who says it's roundis eithera liar or an idiot. go over to the county-seat this afternoon ?"” “+ Not by a blamed sight !” exclaimed the old man. land fur $20,000 1" “ But why 2” ‘* Bekase you believe the world is fat !" “ But don’t you ?” “No, sir! Idid up to about an hour ago, when the back end of my cabin settled down two feet and killed my dawg and skeared the old woman half-to- Shall we “You couldn't hev that death, Then I made up my mind the world was round and I'd bin fool ‘nuff to locate this farm jist about whar’ two inches more of tip will boost the hull caboodle of Allports into Chiny! Sorry fur you, kurnel, but you orter got yere about an hour sooner, while I was hangin’ on to the flatness of things and achin’ to meet as big a fool as 1 was !"—Detroit Free Press. A MAN from the country was riding west on a Madison Street cable car the other day. Pretty soon the conductor called out, May !" stopped the car, and a lady got off. A moment or two after he called, ‘ Ann! stopped the car, and two ladies gathered their bundles and stepped off. Another block or two, and he called “Elizabeth !" and the same performance was repeated, Then came ** Ada!" and a woman and child alighted... After a few more blocks he sang out, “Paulina !" and three ladies left the car. The stranger had looked on open mouthed, but this was too much for him. Clutching the conductor's coat, he asked, “Say, mister, do you know the name of every woman in Chicago and where she wants to get off ?"—Advance. ‘THe Rothschilds have always been noted for their philanthropy as well as for their riches, but at the same time have inherited from the founder of their house habits of frugality and exactness which have made them objects of ridicule among frivolous people. ‘They tell a story of the late Sir Lionel which illustrates his economy as well as the quality of his wit. He rode from his office to his residence one day in a hansom cab, and, arriving there, handed cabby a shilling, which was the lawful fare. The latter took the coin and with a sneer remarked : “Your son always gives me at least half a crown when I bring him hom “He can afford to,” was the baronet’s retort, “for he has a rich fathei Chicago News. A WELL-KNOWN writer and editor who lives in a small New Jersey village, having in letting his cottage forthesummer. hy,” he concluded, * this year, when I am anxious to rent it, not a soul comes by the place all day long; whereas last year, when I had no notion of renting, they came pouring in at every leak in the roof with their hands full of certified cheques !"—The Bookman, was lately lamenting, with much picturesque detail, the difficulty that he is AN excursion party froni the Appalachian Mountain Club, of Boston, had gone to a rural part of the State, andin default of sufficient hotel accommodations, some of the members were obliged to seek quarters in a farmhouse. Simplicity was the order of the day. Everything was scrupulously clean, but there was a natural absence of some of the luxuries of high-priced city hotels. Some of the ladies of the party discovered that there were no keys in the locks of their rooms, and waited upon the farmer's wife. That good woman was surprised. “Why,” she said, ‘ we don’t usually lock our doors here, and there's no one here but you. But then, I suppose you know your own party best." Exchange. “CAN [TROUBLE YOU FOR A LIGHT, SIR?” “CERTAINLY.”