Life — June 6, 1895 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A SCIENTIFIC ELOPEMENT. * LIFE: 377 prostration, saunter carelessly away with the final request to“ have it attended to immediately.” This never fails of effect. If you have your own horses and coachman with you it is advisable to make the fact known. If the office is connected with the stables by telephone, ask permission to give your own order. Do it in this manner: Ring the bell violently; when you have attracted attention, say, in a voice sufficiently loud to be heard outside on the veranda:—* Hello! What? Hello, hello! Send Mr. Snobleigh’s man to the ‘phone—ah—er—Hello ! Is that you, James? What? Well, this is Mr. Snobleigh. Put the bays in the surrey, James, and bring them: around right away. And, James, put in the heavy robes. And, James, my daughter will want the gray in the Stanhope at four sharp. What? Yes, the Stanhope, SEASONABLE ADVICE. To gentlemen intending a stay ata summer resort the coming season the following few carefully compiled bits of advice will be found of incalculable benefit. While meriting the perusal of all, they are chiefly, and with all due respect, dedicated to the VA Fathers of Families. \ HEN starting for the resort’ which you intend to honor with your presence be sure that you have at least eight trunks. You may find it difficult to fill them all, but your wife may be counted on to assist you, and by taking along a winter ulster and a hall rug or two itcan be managed. The surplus baggage will cost you a trifle more for transportation, but the extra expenditure is fully justified by the sensation your arrival will produce. As for the porters, just announce to them carelessly that you will see them later; this sav wear and tear on your trunks and, besides, gives jthe porters something to live for. It is probable that you will discover, shortly after your arrival, some- thing that displeases you, which necessitates what is technically known as a“ complaint.” To complain is one thing, but to complain well requires study. Always approach the office shortly after dinner, when the lobby is well filled; wear a calm but pained expression; lean over the desk confidentially and speak as loud as possible—this pleases the clerk. Be sure to compare the occurrence of the displeasing affair to the excellent management of the hotel at which you put up the previous summer, and do not neglect to threaten to give up your rooms at the end of the week if the thing occurs again, Above all keep your voice raised; the rest of the guests will be interested. After placing the clerk in a state of nervous CHEMICAL. WORKS four sharp. That's all—" Ding, din; It is advisable to empha- size your social prominence by retiring to the billiard room immediately after din- ner, in case there is only one billiard table, and holding possession of the same throughout the — evening. This will ensure you the re- spect of your less fortunate acquaintances, and also per- fect them in that greatest of all virtues, Patience. You will have your bill placed among your mail at the end of each week. When calling for the latter, sort it over before leaving the office, and return the bill with a GAO comicbooks.com