Life — March 7, 1895 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: || Lorb Fitzxoopte. the second cousin of Lord Dundreary, had, with his valet, the |timable James Yellowplush, come to America and gone West in the hope of bagging a low grizzly bears and buffaloes, America and the Amencans seemed to the noble lord | beastly vulgar, doncher know,” and this opinion he frankly told those Americans whom je favored with his lordly society. Nevertheless, fate compelled him to accept as a aveling companion a rampant American. ‘They were traveling on horseback across the fairies, and one day after a vain search for the settlement in which they were to spend te night, they came to a cross road which boasted of a charcoal blacksmith’s hut and a gn post. The sign read: ** Mugg’s corner, four miles on the right-hand road. If you in't read ask the blacksmith. ‘ Thereat the American laughed long and loud, but the Englishman remained silent nd pensive Hc lsay. [What is it? | “If you don't see it,” replied the American, ‘I will tell you. But I will tell you what | will do. If you see it before we leave the inn to-morrow I'll pay the bills. All through the rest of the day and evening the Englishman remained silent. He s working the brain of five centuries of culture. When the American retired to his | raw mattress, there had as yet dawned no gleam of intelligence on the Englishman's lice, But in the middle of the nignt the former was awakened by a loud knock on his Jor, accompanied by a hearty laugh. ‘I say, me good man,” came the voice, ‘it is a {nod joke, doncher knaw, Suppose the blacksmith should be out."—Auston Budget. e good fellow,” he expostulated, ‘1 cawn't see the joke, doncher know, | Tne family of a professional man, living on the East Side, is the owner of a parrot Hf such precocity, wit and enterprise, that there often is some doubt as to whether the |mily owns the parrot or the parrot owns the family, Oa Christmas Day, all the jembers of the household, where this bird holds forth, some relatives and guests fartook of a late breakfast and, afterwards, went into the parlors, where gifts were istributed, with the usual merriment and chatter. This started the parrot and, all day yng, it made more noise than a sewing society. This was amusing at first, but became jonotonous, as the hours passed and at last, after vain efforts to quiet the bird by xpostulation, its master took it from the cage, and cuffed its head severely. This had {ten proved sufficient as a means of discipline, but the master of the house fled in terror, hen the parrot, cocking his head on one side, exclaimed in falsetto: ‘Thank you so huch ; that is exactly what I needed" The bird evidently had stored up the expressions { the morning.—Xochester Democrat and Caronicte. Tne effect of making oneself the only subject of solicitude is illustrated by the emarks of Elwes, the miser-millionaire, to a clergyman. ‘Your sermon on charity nuched me greatly. I almost determined to turn beggar.” Youth's Companion. ‘THe other morning, asa belated member of the Ow! Club was steering home throug’: the dense fog, which the writer is reliably informed hangs over the city at 3 A.3., he passed the house of a well-known physician. The vestibule of this residence was open, and on its side the dim rays of the moon, struggling through the gloom produced by the efforts of the city gas company, disclored the mouth of an accoustic tube, underneath which was the inscription ** Whistle for Dr. Potts.” Not wishing to be disobliging about so smalla matter, the Owl stumbled up the eps, and steadying himself against the wall, blew into the pipe with all the strength of is lungs. % ‘The physician, who was awakened by the resultant shrill whistle near his head, arose; and after wondering at the singular odor of whisky in the room, groped his way to the tube and shouted, ** Well.” “Glad to know you're well,” was the reply ; ‘but, being a doctor, I spose you can keep well at cost price. can'c you ?" ** What do you want?” said the man of pills, not caring to joke in the airy nothing of his nightgown. i “Well,” said the party at the other end of the tube, after a few moment's meditation. “Oh, by the way, are you young Potts or old Potts ?" “Lam Dr. Pots. There is no young Potts.” ot dead, I hope ?” ere never was any. [have no son.” hen you are youag Potts and old Potts, too. Dear, dear, how singular.” “What do you want }" snapped the doctor, who was beginning to feel as though his legs were a pair of elongated icicles. * You know old Mrs, Peavine, who lives ia the next block ?” Yes. Isshe sick? What's the matter?” ‘Do you know her nephew, too—Bill Briggs 3" | “Yes. Well?" ‘ “| Well, he went up to Bridgeport, shooting this mornin; “And he had an accident?" Hold up a minute. I'll be ight ; but he got sixty-two ducks eighteen and—" ht down “em mallards. I thought you might like to hear And the joker hung on to the nozzle and laughed like a hyena digging up a fat missionary. ‘I say,” came down from the exasperated M.D , ** that's a jolly good joke, my friend. | Won't you take sometbing ?" * What" said the surprised humorist, pausing for breath. “Why, take something. Take this. And before the disgusted funay man could withdraw his mouth ahastily-compounded mixture of ink, ippecac and asafetida squirted Irom the pipe and deluged him from head to foot, about a pint monopolizing his shirt-front and collar. And while he danced frantically around, sponging himself off with his handkerchief, and swearing like a pirate in the last act, he could hear an angel voice from above sweetly murmur: “Have some more? No? Well, good night. Come again soon, you funny dog, you. By-bye."—Loutsville Medical News. For tale by all Newsdealers n Great Britain. . The Inter —_ national News Compasy, Tiream's Buliding, Chancery Lane, London, #.C., Engiand, AousTs. EUROPEAN AoENT®—Memra Rrentano, 37 Aveoue de 101 Paris; Saarbach' News Enchante, | Carestvuse, Sayeace, Germany, Ageaw for Germany, Austria and Swlizeriand. 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