Life — December 13, 1894 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

382 A MEETING OF THE MOTORMEN’S NATIONAL HOMICIDAL ASSOCIATION. HAIRMAN MAGINNIS (better known as Bill the Vampire) called the meeting to order at eight-thirty. The first business was the clection of new members. After a few namés had been voted upon, Mr. Thomas Mayhem proposed that of ic Gorey, a motorman, as Mr. Mayhem described him, “who had done more to pro- mote the trade in artificial limbs than any other in the Eastern States." Mr. Gorey was elected without opposition. Mr. Eph. Morguean proposed the name of Israel Q. Bowie, a graduate of the Cooke gang who has lately found employment on one of the Brooklyn trolley lines. Although Mr. Bowie's experience as a motorman was limited, he was elected on his proven record of three especially brutal murders, Strong opposition was made to the election of a motorman from New Haven because there was a rumor among the members that he had once slowed up his car to permit an aged lady to crawl out from between the wheels. Mr. Jerry Tough, of Hoboken, was expelled from the Association by a unanimous vote because there was unmis- takable proof that he had permitted an infirm clergyman to get both feet on the platform-step before he started his car with a jerk. Upon motion a contribution of five hundred dollars was voted for the defense of the Turks who are about to be prosecuted for the Armenian massacres. An invitation for members of the Association to attend a ball of the Ignorant Drug-clerks’ Mutual Aid Society was received and accepted. The chairman then introduced Mr. Dooley Cross, whom he said was better known to the members as “ The Company's Friend,” because he never maimed or wounded but always killed. Mr. Cross read an interesting paper entitled “ If Nero and Caligula had lived to-day, would they have been motormen ?” He conclusively proved that they would have been, for in no other position could they so well have satisfied the cravings of their gentle natures. Mr. Quigley Mangle then read an able argument to prove that the officers of the Spanish Inquisition would not have made efficient motormen because they occasionally permitted their victims to escape alive when they might have tortured them to death. - LIFE: Teen DNS “WELL, TomsY, HAVE YOU LEARNED ANYTHING AT SCHOOL?” S, SIR; I'VE LEARNED TO WEAR A LUNG PROTECTOR IN THE SEAT OF MY PANTS.” The Sergeant-at-Arms reported the arrival of a delegation from the Broadway Gripmen’s Anti-Humane Fraternity. They were given the floor, and argued for the admission of their organization to the deliberations of the Association. A member of the Association spoke in strong opposition. He stated that he carefully read the New York daily news- papers and in them rarely discovered the account of any killing or wounding of citizens by members of the Fraternity. One of the delegates stated that this was because the company running the Broadway cable cars stood in such friendly relations with the proprietors of the New York daily newspapers that the editorial writers and city editors had standing instructions to refrain from printing comment or news detrimegtal to the company. He also presented sta- tistics showing a very high rate of mortality along the line of the road, and exhibited two or three cords of surgeons’ certificates which evoked prolonged applause from members of the Association. Upon motion, the Gripmen’s Fraternity was admitted to full membership. By a unanimous vote the Association accepted an invitation from the American League of Vivisectionists to witness. some especially cruel ex- periments at the Sisters of Mercy Hospital. A. selected choir of THE EVOLUTION OF THE ENGLISH SOVEREIGN. motormen from the Brooklyn trolley lines comicbooks.com