Life — May 11, 1893 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

300 THE NEW DECALOGUE. ype shalt name no more animals in Central Park after Me, for Lam jealous of my reputation for beauty. If you believe that [ am the missing link I will smite thee. Thou shalt elect only Me to office, and thou shalt make many ‘offices for the purpose of pre- senting them to Me. Whenever thou seest a good thing, such as the extension of a railroad or the private appropri- ation of a public street, or the laying out of grub and whiskey to entertain a foreign Jook, thou shalt let me be first in it. When there are parades thou shalt build seats for Me and My cous- ins, at thine own expense. Fail in these things and I will pass laws against thee, and will cause the cleaners to neglect the street that is before thine house, and will make the police to complain of thine ash barrels. Thou shalt never speak or think of Me save asthe cleanest, soberest, wisest, wittiest, hospitable and most moral of mankind. If thou dost I will call thee a Know Nothing and a Dude, and will repudiate thee with dynamite and bricks, particularly if thou sayest that I am quarrelsome. If my relatives in Ireland hunger and thirst, thou shalt send them exceeding much food and drink, with money to buy more, and shalt not ask them to work until itis all gone. When thou art tired of doing this, thou shalt make places for them onthe police force. But when anything wrong happens in England, beware thou speakest not of it with regret, because I ought to own England, and it must not be thought of with respect until | do. Because itis My birthright to have fun with other people—not toallow other people to have fun with me. See that on the 17th of March thou puttest green flags on all thy buildings, and that thou eatest no oranges on that day ; also that thou goest forth becomingly attired in green ribbons and shamrocks, See thatthou closest thy schools and refrainest from all trade, except the liquor trade, for on that day [ own the town, the same as on other days. Unless thou art well insured never dispute Me when I say that Columbus, Henry Hudson, the Pilgrims, George Wash- ington, Abraham Lincoln and cre Irish, and that the armies of America in 1776 and 1812 as well as the soldiers on both sides in the civil war were Irish, too, for it hurts My feelings to be contradicted. Esteem ii when Tam jubilant, and grieve not that I dally with thy scalp, for that is needful to prove how superior I am to thee and thine, And most ain Smith w honor to be arrested by Me once ina while, Seek no redress at court, for [ have a pull. TR Se Moet “HERE'S DER LAUNTRY, UND FADER VANTS TO KNOW OF YOU CAN'T VASH YUST DER BOSOMS OF DER SHIRTS FOR HALF PRICE?” write not of it in thy newspapers—thy domd Amurriken news- papers—for it is against the law to resist Me. Raise Me a golden throne and put Me on it, Burn incense and fifty-cent cigars at My feet. Give Me things. Anything. Everything, As I am large minded and generous ; every- thing is Mine by right. Give nothing to anybody else. Give Me the earth and everything that is on it. For 1am great. [ am the Mick, Bow ye down and worship. A WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE. INGLE MAN: No, sir. You might hunt the wide world over, and you would not find a more sen- sible, reasonable little girl than the one I am going to marry. THE MARRIED MAN: I guess you haven't known her very long, have you ? THE SINGLE MAN: Known her! Why, man, I have been with her constantly for three weeks ! IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. **TQ0GGS must have a poor memory. He has been owing me five dollars for a year.” On the contrary, I think he has a good memory, I owe him five dollars, and he asks me for it every time he sees me.” WANTED. —By wealthy American parents, a young nobleman of good lide, whose previous record will be overlooked. Payment of pur- chase money accompanying daughter to be properly guaranteed. comicbooks.com