Life — September 24, 1891 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*LIFE- NAGERIE WAITED UPON Laocoon, MYTHOLOGY FOR MODERNS. LAocoon, [Accoon was a well-known clergyman and was in charge of the First’ Presbyterian Church of Troy at the breaking out of the Trojan war. He was not exactly a fighting parson, but in those days the priests were supposed to have a strong and direct pull with the gods. On thisaccount Laocoon was a prominent character, and >‘ whenever a fight was to come off he was expected to work his pull for all it was worth in behalf of his Trojan parishioners. But the gods, dear reader, were Avery peculiar people, When the ‘Trojan war came on there was a split among the divinities, some of them siding with the Trojans, some of them with the Greeks, and some of them becoming Mugwumps, siding first with one party and then with the other. Minerva, for instance, was a strong adherent of the Greeks, probably because the Trojans were favorites of Venus. little affair of Paris and the golden apple of which I have told you; and since that occurrence Minerva and Venus had not been at all good friends. When the wooden horse stuffed with Greeks was en Troy, Minerva backed him for all she was worth, painted white and quite caught the fancy of all the Trojans except Laocoon. His wife was a red-headed lady and naturally he was a bit sensitive on the subject of white horses. Therefore, on the S before the horse was brought into Troy, Laocoon preached a red-hot sermon against the Greeks, and particularly against their horse. Minerva heard of this, and, after the manner of gods and goddesses, proceeded to get even with the Rev. Laocoon. You will remember the ered to win at The horse was nday Laocoon, not unlike some priests of our own time, was a bit dis posed to conviviality. Some of his flock were rank prohibitionists, elf he was wont to repair to his study, and, having secured the door, pour out numerous libations to Bacchus After the when Laocoon wished to have a little time with h sermon against the Greeks he felt the need of a 165 bracer, For three days he remained secluded, denying himself to callers, and wishing that he had never gone into the ministe as his calling precluded his going around and having a good time with the boys. Then Minerva’s plan began to work. A com- mittee from her private menagerie waited upon Laocoon and informed him that unless he announced from his pulpit the next Sunday that he had been mistaken with regard to the wooden horse, and that he recommended it strongly to the consideration of the Trojans, she would destroy him utterly. Laocoon sent for bis family physician and narrated the occur- rence to him, The doctor prescribed bromide of potass in heroic doses, and by Sunday Loacoon was fit to preach. were theological students, and were accustomed to assist their father in the services. Laocoon, from the fact that he was a priest, was decidedly obstinate, and made up his mind that he would preach whatever doctrine suited him and that no female whatever, in or out of his congregation, Minerva or on Minerva, should dictate to him. So he started his sermon pitching into the Greeks and their wooden horse in great shape. Suddenly he observed a commotion among his hearers. Women fainted, children screamed and the faces of strong men blanched with terror. Looking towards the sea Laocoon saw too huge pythons approaching. He smiled a smile of amused pity and turning his back- to the congregation, took a long drink of the bromide of potass mix- ture, But, strange to relate, the snakes did not disappear from his vision, Turning to his sons he said calmly: ** Boys, do you see anything?” “Yes, father,” they replied," we see two large snakes coming + Rer-r-eal sn-sn-snakes ?" asked the now terrified Laocoon, “Yes, father,” replied the boys ; ** sure enough snakes.” The snakes had now reached the entrance to the cathedral and came up the middle aisle, arm in arm. They proceeded to embrace Laocoon and his two sons, and then calmly but firmly squeezed them to death. And this was the way Minerva got even with Laocoon. Note.—An Italian sculptor, who happened to be in the audience, secured some excellent snap shots of the occurrence and from them modelled a realistic statue which is now on exhibition between 10 A. M. and 4 P. M., at the Vatican Dime Museum, Rome, Italy. Metcalfe His sons his way.” Father > NOW, LOOK WERE, DENNIS, D'VE MOIND ? I'VE TOW VEZ FOIVE OR SIX TOIMES TO GO TO SUNDAY SHCHOOL AN’ IF WAV TO TELL YEZ AGIN DLL GIV' VEZ A BATING THAT YEZ'LL REMIMBER TO THE IND OF YEZ DAYS! Son: LAY HANDS ON ME AT YOUR PERIL! OF YOU FOREIGNERS 18 SIMPLY DISGUSTING, THE PRESUMPTION comicbooks.com