Life — March 26, 1891 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE DOUDE'S DIARY. A.M. 8:00—Woke. —Dozed. —Yawned. :25—Rose. 8:30-—Dressed. g:00— Breakfast. 10:00— Walked, 10:15—Talked, 11:00—Cigarette. : k. 6:00—Dressed. 7:00—Dined. 8:00—Talked. 9:30— Mashed. 10:10—Proposed. Rejected. 10:23— Drank. 11:04—Drunk, A.M. 1:00—Disrobed. (For- got to.) 1:00—Retired. 1:01—Slept. Nero O'Flynn. A CONSCIENTIOUS REPORTER. HE policy of a cer- tain daily newspaper is always to substitute the word Hebrew for Jew in all articles appearing in its columns. Acting un- TIE YOURSELF ? He: Aout an nour, She: TELL ME, WHAT DIFFERENCE 1S THERE BETWEEN A READY-MADE TIF AND ONE YOU der this rule a new re- = porter recently handed in the following: Early last evening as Mr. Goldstein, the well-known Main Street Hebreweler and his fiancée, Miss Hebrewlia Moses, who, by the way, is a perfect Hebrewno, were coming home from the Court House where Mr. G. had been serving on the Grand Hebrewry, they met a footpad who demanded Mr. G's money. * By Hebrewpiter,” exclaimed Mr. G., as Miss Hebrewlia fell in a faint, ‘you can't have it, for I have none, except large bills.” Mr. Goldstein smiled insinuatingly and permitted the highwayman to approach very closely, when he struck him a terrific blow in the face, “Oh, you Hebrewdas Iscariot,” howled the footpad, for he was a Christian ; but before he could act a policeman had him by the collar. “Who is that ?" tremblingly asked the fair Miss Hebrewlia, re- covering consciousness. “Oh, only a robber barren,” said Mr. G., laughing nervously at his own Hebrew d'esprit. Later in the evening he took Miss Hebrewlia to see ‘* Romeo and Hebrewliet” at the Opera House, and it is rumored they will be mar- ried next Hebrewne, the month of roses. AN ANTI-CAN'T HOUSEHOLDER, As april TRAMP: Dear sir, unless I get a bite of something at once I shall soon be dead. PATER FAMILIAS: Poor man, you are homeless, are you ? SALVATION TRAMP: Oh, no; heaven is my home. PATER FAMILIAS: Here is five cents for some bread-and- er-try to reach home as soon as possible. THE DEER DEPARTED—when the hunter missed him. comicbooks.com