Life — January 22, 1891 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*>LIFE: POLICE COURT DRAMAS. Dramatis Persona, Juoce Reity O'Divver—A saloon-keeping, Irish, Catholic, Tammany, Democratic appointee of a saloon-backing, Irish, Catholic, Tammany, Democratic Mayor. Janey McGuirx—An Irish, Catholic, Tammany, Democratic clerk of the court, appointed by Judge O'Divver, Mr. McGuirk hopes to realize enough from the position to set up a saloon of his own. Justice—Who has nothing to do with the case. Batuirrs, Correns, Bums, ef al. H's HONOR: Call the furrust case. Fwhat's the charge, officer? Poticeman X.: Assault, your honor. The prisoner knocked his wife down with a table-leg, and when I arrested him was kicking her in the head. His Honor: Ob, my, oh, my. Fwhat's your name ? Felix Lazinski. Fwhere do you live ? ‘THE PRISONER: 18 Essex street. His Hoxor: Fwhat have you to say to the charge ? THe Prisoner: It vas my voman, und I guess I do vot I like mit my voman, don't it? Dis vasa free country. His Honor: You Jew blackguard, you. You miserable furriners comin’ in here and you think becuz you can vote that you've got the right to lick your wives, I'll give you six months— THE CLERK (in @ whisper): Hold on, yer honor. man that pulls the Polish vote for Tammany. His Honor: Well, Mr. Lazinski, I suppose you'd been drinking. Discharged. Call the next case. What's the charge, officer ? POLICEMAN Y.: Peddling without a license. His Honor: Fwhat's your name? THe Prisoner: Eddie Mason. His Honor: How old are you? THE PRISONER (weeping): I'll be nine—years—old—next—May. His Honor: Fwhat were you doin’ {when the officer arrested you ? Tie PRISONER (stil! weeping): I—was—selling—matches. His Honor: Fwhat were you doin’ that fur? Don't you know it’s agin the law to peddle widout a license ? ‘Tue Prisoner: I didn't know, sir, and mother (s04) is—very— ill—and—that’s—the—only —way—we—can—get—any—money. His Honor: Committed to the Catholic Protectory until he is twinty-wan, Next case, Fwhat's the charge ? POLICEMAN Z.: Selling liquor on Sunday. His Honor: So they've cot you at last, have they, McClusky ? Per- haps nixt year you'll know better than to work agin Tammany. Three months on the Island and two hundred dollars fine. Officer, see that this case is reported to the Excise Board, and that McClusky's license is revoked. Next case. Poticesan W.: John Guzzlem. Drunk and disorderly ; assault- ing people in front of O'Neill's saloon Sunday evening. His Honor (sotto voce to the clert): Fwhat's that? O'Neill's? THE CLERK (sotto voce to His Honor): Yes, your honor, and the alderman was in this mornin’ and said he would pay the prisoner's fine. Hts Honor: Fined two dollars. Next case. Poticeman V.: Terence O'Brien, a/ias Teddy, the Biter. Ar- rested on the complaint of Miss Morgan for attempting to drag her pet dog from her arms and striking her twice in the face when she resisted. An’ you call yerselluf a man, Lazinski’s the Alderman THE PRISONER! See here, y’r honor, it’s just dis way, I'm a reg’lar appointed dog-catcher, see? Dis dog was runnin’ around bitin’ folks, and I chucked him in me cart and druv off wid him. Dis chippie wan't nowheres in sight. His Hoxor: Is the complainant here? Kiss the book. Miss MORGAN: Is that absolutely necessary, sir? It is very dirty and greasy— His Honor: See here, young woman, we don't want any back talk from you, if you do belong to the Four Hundred, Kiss that book. ‘What's the facts in the case? Miss MORGAN: Just as the officer has stated them, sir. The pris- oner drove up in his wagon, and, jumping down, attempted to drag my little terrier from my arms. When I resisted, he struck me two savage blows in the face, making the bruises which you see. I have several witnesses here who saw the occurrence and who will confirm what I have said, THE CLERK (soffo voce to His Honor): O'Brien's father runs three saloons, and is a big man over in the Sixth District. He was here a little while ago, and has gone to get a lawyer. Hts Honor: The complainant can stand down. have you to say to the charge ? THe Prisoner: Yer honor, dat woman's de wust liar I ever see. I never set eyes on her in me life. I hope to be struck dead if I did. I tought de ki-yi had de hyderfoby, so I yanked him off to de poun’, His Honor: Young woman, Mr. O'Brien was only performin’ his duty, and it’s lucky he hasn't made any charge agin you fur resistin’ an officer. Complaint dismissed. Next case. THe CLERK: No more to-day, your honor. His Honor: Court is adjourned. Mr. McGuirk, if Alderman O'Neill calls, he'll find me over in McCarty’s saloon. Prisoner, what HOPELESS HOPE. He: May I nore? She: Yes; 1F YOU WILL PROMISE NEVER TO REFER TO THE MATTER AGAIN, comicbooks.com