Life — December 25, 1890 — page 42: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE Al SAGER AT At wis & Tbs ep «WHERE are you going, my pretty maid 2" “I'm going to sneeze, kind sir,” she said. “And at whom will you sn * Atchoo, atchoo ! kind sir,” lox ze, my pretty maid?" she said. —Binghamton Leader, Suxpay Scoot Tracer: And when the wicked children continued mocking the good prophet, two she-bears came out of the mountain, and ate up over forty of the wicked children, Now boys, what does this teach us ? Jimpsy Primrose know. TEACHER: Well, Jimpsy ? Jimpsy PRiMRo: It teaches us how many children a she-bear can hokd.— Boston Courier. Doctor: Ailments may not be serious, you know ; but it's well to keep your eye on them. BRONSON : But one can't always do that, doctor. For instance, last month Thad a boil on the back of my neck,— Light. Binks : Jinks: Been traveling in Europe, eh ? How did you find the hotels ? Hired a cab.—Exchange. *Litear your husband is quite a gallant. pockets ?"" “ Only the ones I gave him to post."—Spare Afoments, Do you ever find any letters in his “ Mantata, where do the cows get the milk ?” asked Willie, looking up from the foaming pan of milk which he had been intently regarding, “Where do you get your tears ?"” was the answer, After a thoughtful silence he again broke out ** Do the cows have to be spanked, then ?* xchange. He had the appearance of one who had seen much of the world, and had not found it a soft snap. His clothes were composite, and he had evidently long been a stranger to water and its uses. He shufiled into Major Fay’s well-known saloon in Pueblo the other day, and, leaning against the bar, gazed, with a deep yearning in his eyes, upon the shining rows of bottles and cut glass on the other side. The bartender was about to signal the bouncer to do his duty when the stranger asked for the proprietor. ‘Have you any rats in the house ? asked the stranger. “Rats! Well, should say so! big 1s cats 1" said the major. * Do you want to get rid of them?” was the reply, ou give meadrink and a dinner,” said the stranger, “and I will agree to kill every rat in your house in half an hour.” Major Fay’s curiosity was aroused, He couldn't see how it could be do here was a fair proposition, and the expense was not great anyway, 60 he said: “| guess I'll go you once anyway, but I don't believe you can do it The’ stranger took a large soaking drink, and he looked confident and happy as they repaired to a neighboring restaurant for the dinner. He ate a hearty meal, It wasn't a square meal—it was an all-around meal, When they got back to the saloon, the stranger said : ** Have you a spade handy 2" A boy was sent for one and soon returned with it. By this time a crowd had collected to see the sport. Everybody was waiting in great suspense to see the slaughter begin. The rat- catcher took the spade, examined it carefully, tested its weight, while the crowd held its breath. Next he selected a big, comfortable chair, seated himself, crossed his legs, leaned back with a benignant expression on his seared countenance, and said : Sow bring on your rats !"" There was a momentary pause, and then a sound of intemperate revelry, fol- lowed by the quick opening of the door and the sudden emission of a heterogenec: mass, which landed far out on the mud-cushioned pavement.—/Pueblo Merry World. THe PROFESSOR (af the dinner table): have you seen your little boy, Willie, latel Mrs, Cnopsticks: No, Professor, {have not seen him since io o'clock: and I can't imagine what has become of him. In fact, 1 am very much worried about him, PRoFessor ; Well, sceing Martha pour me out that glass of water just now reminded me of something that I had on my mind to tell you some time ago, but which unfortunately escaped my mind, It was just about 10 o'clock, I think, that I saw little Willie fall down the well.—Boston Courier. Oh, by the way, Mrs. Chopsticis, A CART-LOAD of returning rebel prisoners, relates Eli Perkins, had just arrived at City Point on their way back to Richmond, “How fah is it to Richmond, eny way 2” asked a grizzled old rebel prisoner of a smart Yankee major on Butler's staff. not far. How far do you think 2” k'n et's near ento three thousin’ mile,” drawled the Confed. “Nonsense! You must be crazy," returned the officer, “Wall, T eant a-reck'nin’ adzact,” was the slow reply. kinder.” On! you did? And pray why ?” * Coset's took'n you'uns nigh untoe four year to git thar from Wash’n‘ton."— Hotel Man's Guide. + Jest thot %, Miss ROWENA: named Stella ! Mr. Paritam: Stella means star, Perhaps they call her that, not because they thought her bright, but because she was beautiful in the dark.—/arfer's Bazar. Think of a wishy-washy, phlegmatic girl like her t FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON THE LIGHT OF ASIA; or, Tuk Great Renunciation, Edition. By Sir Enwix Axyotp, M.A. Holiday with portrait, price $1.50; full gilt, price $2.00. THE HNOUSE OF THE WOLFINGS. A Tale of the House of the Wolfings and all the Kindreds of the Mark, written in Prose and in Verse, by Wintiam Morris, author of ‘The Earthly Paradise.” 12mo, Oxford style, price $2.00. POEMS, ginson, NANON. Latimer. LOUISA M, ALCOTT: Her Lire, Lerrers anv JRNAL, Edited by Epxan D. Ciexey. With portraits and view of the Alcott Home in Concord. One volume, 16mo, price $1.50. Illustrated ition, 12mo, By Esty Dickixsox, With Introduction by T. W. Hig- 16mo, cloth, price $1.50, By Grorce Saxp. Translated by Elizabeth Wormeley 12mo, half Russia, price $1.50. There is not in the range of American biography a more touching and inspiring book. It is the record of a life so steadfast, so unselfish, so devoted to others, so strenvous in endeavor, and so high-minded from first to last, that he must be dull indeed who can read without ‘ears in his eyes and the impulse to nobler living quick ened in his heart.—Beston Courier. THE DAY'S MESSAGE, A Brief Selection of Prose and Verse for each day in the year. Chosen by Susas Coo.ince, 16mo, white and green cloth, price $1.00; full gilt, price $1.25 OUR NEW ENGLAND. Her Nature described by Hawuntos Wricnt Mavir. With photogravures from nature. Oblong 4to, limp cover, Japanese paper, gilt edges, price $4.00; cloth, price $5.00. Mailed, poatpald, by the Publishers, ROBERTS BROTHERS, BOSTON. be Bold by all Booksellers, Which Magazine shall I take ? I want the one that is written by men who know what they write about: and I want them to do their best. I want diversion; I want it as good as the seri- ous part. Good literature is that which does well what it aims to do—entertains, moves, informs. I want a variety of timely topics discussed with knowledge. ability, grasp, authority. Timely topics are those that civilized people are thinking about. What I want is help to think about them. SCRIBNER'S MAGAZINE for 1891 will answer these requirements. Look at the announcements published in the November issue. 25 cents a num- ber, $3.00 CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS, 743 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. a year. comicbooks.com