Life, 1890-02-13 · page 8 of 18
Life — February 13, 1890 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# "Diana and Actaeon" — Mythology for Moderns This page presents a satirical retelling of the classical myth of Diana and Actaeon. In the original myth, the huntress goddess Diana punishes a man who glimpses her bathing by transforming him into a deer. The satire updates this to a Boston social scenario: Diana is a wealthy lady on Commonwealth Avenue; Actaeon is a New York drummer (traveling salesman) who encounters her and her fashionable companions at Cohasset beach. When he gazes at them in their bathing attire, Diana publicly shames and threatens him with social exclusion—the modern equivalent of mythological punishment. The joke targets both the pretentiousness of Boston's social elite and the transgressive gaze of the outsider male, using classical mythology to mock contemporary class anxieties.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
‘LIFE: MYTHOLOGY FOR MODERNS. DIANA AND ACTON, p's was a maiden lady who lived not long ago on Commonwealth Avenue in the lovely city of Boston. She had a large circle of friends, maiden ladies like herself, and, like her, renowned for their strong sense of propriety. Ac- txon was a New York drummer whose busi- Ness quite often took him to Boston, and he felt quite as much at home in that city as a New York man could. It chanced one day that Diana and some of her maiden friends took a trip to Cohasset. Each lady had with her a Saratoga trunk, containing her bathing-suit and the complete works of Robert Browning. The morning was passed in reading from the works of the maestro, but as the sun climbed high in the heavens the desire to plunge into the much-sounding sea overcame Diana and her companions. They retired to a near-by bathing-house to prepare for the bath. On the same day Acton, having sold a large bill of goods to a Boston firm, thought he was entitled to a holiday, so he hired a cat- boat and sailed down the bay in the direction of Cohasset. Tiring of his boat, he con- cluded to land. Pulling his boat up on the beach of a bush-clad point, he looked for a shady spot where he might enjoy the cold pork and beans which had been put up at the hotel for his luncheon. As he broke through the bushes on the other side of the point a wondrous sight met his astonished vision. There, almost within touch, were Diana and her accom- panying maidens. Dark-blue bathing-suits of flannel, reach- ing to wrists and ankles, served more to set off than conceal the symmetrical angularity of their forms. They had re- moved their hair and eyeglasses, and Acton, who had never seen such a sight in New York, gazed at them with such a burning look of curiosity and amusement that one of Diana’s companions felt its warmth and discovered the intruder. “Diana! Diana!” she screamed. of profane observation. ALD v ress “We are the objects Hasten, sisters, and let us inter- pose the opacity of our bodies between our Diana and the impertinent eyes of the miscreant.” With this her companions crowded about Diana, but she, taller and more majestic than the others, towered above their protecting forms. “Begone, sirrah!" Diana exclaimed. “How dare you, horrid man, profane these precincts, sacred to Diana and her maids?” “Beg pardon, ladies, I'm suah,” replied Acton, “No offense intended. Permit me.” With this he handed Diana a card bearing the words: “J. Q. Actzon, represent- ing Skipper, Sons & Co., Importers of Lima Beans, 68 Worth Street, New York.” At this Diana turned to her companions and a brief con- sultation ensued. Then she stepped to the front and, fix- ing her imperious, near-sighted eyes on Actwzon, she ad- dressed him thus, in soul-terrifying, nasal tones: “Actzon, you have dared to gaze on what has never been seen by mortal man—ladies from the Back-Bay dis- trict without their crimps and glasses. No ordinary punish- ment is meet for such a crime, so we have decided to turn you into a dear. Henceforward all Boston women shall re- gard you as a dear, and you shall be invited to Browning clubs and five-o’clock teas without number. Go, wretched creature, and bear your punishment as best you can.” DIANA SURPRISED BY ACTA:ON. Actxon did not long survive this horrible punishment, and since then no man has ever been rash enough to repeat his offense. Metcalfe. GREAT MINDS. HE Bank President and Cashier meet at midnight in front of the safe, ENSEMBLE: What train are you going on? OSS: The cold weather seems to agree with your re- lations. CLERK: Er—how is that? Boss: You don't have any deaths in your family since the ball season is over.