Life — April 5, 1888 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OMNIBUS AD DEI GLORIAM. HENE’ER I take my drives abroad How many poor I see! I do not care a hang for them, Nor they a hang for me. £l—tt F, Sh—p—d. * * * AY GOULD will have the sympathy of all right-minded persons—who believe his stories—in his most recent financial affliction. It is the old story of the simple, con- fiding man, too honest himself to believe evil of others, taken in and fleeced by those whom he had in his own generous, impulsive way done his utmost to serve. Next we shall hear of some dastard with conscience so seared as to take advantage of the open-handed liberality of good old Russell Sage. And when this occurs we shall exhibit our device for reversing the laws of gravitation, as an anti-climax. * * * HEN a bank-cashier begins to speculate in doubtful securities, his directors are likely to grant him a per- manent leave of absence if they find it out; when the mer- chant ascertains that the clerk in charge of the money-drawer is buying pools on the Suburban, he is apt to request that youth to look for another situation; when the valet begins to play policy, the master predicts the larceny of wearing apparel and jewelry, and—to use a vulgar colloquialism— “fires” the menial; when the vestryman becomes interested in the drawings of the Louisiana lottery, he is generally requested to carry a bell-punch as he passes the plate. Why? Because men of affairs consider that the clause in a certain popular petition that reads: “ Lead us not into temp- tation,” is a wise one where the interests of a firm, corpora- tion or individual are jeopardized at the hands of a sure loser. By the same token the United States Navy is endangered by the rashness of Commander Griffin, who desires to back Mitchell for £2,000 to fight Sullivan in a sixteen-foot ring. After the battle we should hear that Commander Griffin had hung up a man-of-war at Simpson's, and the United States cannot afford to pay three per cent. a month for a naval com- mander's rashness. Commander Griffin should be ordered back to his ship, or else Secretary Whitney should give him a furlough and forget to put a limit on it. * “ * NE gets at the right idea of the hollowness of a title when the title clings to a person who has sunk or been elevated to his or her natural individual level, which could not be better illustrated than in the newspaper ac- counts of “Lady” Drummond's marriage to a mechanic ; and how the liberty-loving republicans who edit the daily newspapers did delight in printing that title in their columns! UR esteemed contemporary, the Mazl and Express, under the management of Mr. Elliott F. Shepard, makes a statement of fact editorially that is of interest to the world at large, but which we regret to say is a rank plagiarism, as the deadly parallel column will show: Mail and Express, March 27th. The Original Moses, Genests 1. 27 So: God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and fe- male created he them. And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him. Because Moses has come down to posterity as the meekest man is no reason that Mr. Shepard should take advantage of him. Perhaps Mr. Shepard thinks that because he uses a version revised without the author's collaboration and does not print his entire statement, he owes him no acknowledg- ment. We beg to remind our contemporary that this is not journalism. * * * O Jacob Sharp is really to be tried again. It seems a pity to disturb him. This is the opportunity, however, for Colonel Fellows to show whether he really does amount to anything as a District Attorney. * * * USAN B. ANTHONY declared at the woman's con- vention in Washington last week that she had scorn- fully rejected all offers of marriage because she did not want to become a relic. Is Miss Anthony sure that she has accomplished her purpose ? * * * HE astounding discovery has just been made in Boston that valves that may be distinguished without the microscope, exist in the portal veins of 75 per cent. of infants under three weeks of age. It is saddening to think of all the unfortunate mothers who have reared children in the past, not knowing that until they reached the age of three weeks there were valves in their portal veins. What bless- ings science brings in its train! How much more lovable is an infant when one knows that it has valves in its portal veins! * * * HE Congress of the United States has been discussing the right of a man to his body after death, but the point cannot be accurately determined until some one comes back to tell whether he wanted his corpus or not after death. In the lake that burneth with fire and brimstone, the less body a man has to look after the better he will be off. * * * R. BLAINE’S effort to capture the Italian vote of America by comparing Rome to Milwaukee will probably prove a boomerang, and lose him the entire State of Wisconsin. comicbooks.com