Life — February 23, 1888 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BALLADS OF THE CANDIDATES. E has aspirations lofty, but he isn’t very deep ; His ways are most transparent, and his methods very cheap ; He would like to lease the White House, but he'd never fill the bill ; His chances? Small potatoes, and not many to the Hill. He's quite a literary bent, He, too, would be the President. He called tobacco necessary, But like a politician wary, As soon as his mistake he learnt He wished his Paris letter burnt, And stead of navy plug and snuff, He thought the tax on sugar tough. His mind is big, his conscience plastic, His principles are most elastic. He hints that office is despised, But we think he’s willing to be surprised. A third there is, whose brother fought All through the war. He, too, has caught The fever of the White House chair, And tries to work it through a scare. Most of the issues he would straddle, Save that the South is in the saddle. He calls the Southerner a varmint, And waves aloft the gory garment. There's a fellow in the West, the Governor of a State, Who's attracted much attention from the G. A. R. of late; He hopes to reach, ’tis said by some, the Presidential chair, Because a lady snubbed him—a lady bright and fair. There is a picture we wot of he’s likely to recall— Of three sage-looking asses a pasturing on the mall ; Their three heads are together, and they're asking, ‘‘ When shall we Three meet again ?"—and now, afar across the raging sea, We have a happy notion, and one by no means dim, These asses three are met again and this combine is ‘‘ him.” And not till the Executive becomes triumvirate Will Joseph B., of Ohio, become a potentate. ’Tis Grover last, but Scripture says the last shall be the first, He thinks the taxes should come down lest money-bags shall burst ; He's ruled us well since he has been the skipper of the State, And cable news from Washington claims that he carries weight. Opposed to him is many a one of various grades of fame, But Grover whistles soft and low : I'll get there just the same. * * * POLITICIAN of our acquaintance cruelly alludes to Mr. Flower as the Hon. Rosewell Pettyboom Flower. N her remarks to Parliament the Queen started off, “ My Lords and Gentlemen.” Even the Queen is beginning to see that there is a distinc- tion between her lords and gentlemen. * * * oie Times is doing its best to make a mountain of iniquity out of a Hill of insignificance. Let the Governor drop, Mr. Jones. It can’t hurt him since he can’t drop far, and it will make your paper more agreeable reading. * * * HOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH has a versified apology in the February A¢/antzc because he has “ No Songs in Winter,” and the “ blank ink crusts upon the pen.” Mr, Aldrich wants us to wait until the “bluebirds, wrens and jays come again.” All right, Mr. Poet. We'll wait for Jay’s coming. His son George says he will be back on Wall Street in March ; but we can wait until April, if you'd like it better. * * * “ ATURE,” said a philosopher, “ is full of wise pro- visions.” He doubtless referred to potatoes, beets and other vege- tables, and not to mince-pie and welch rarebits. * * * REAMS are said to form a large part of the stock-in- trade of the novelist. We hear that Mr. Howells, having dreamed one night that he got out of bed and sat in a chair by the window, is writ- ing a strong novel of Buffalo life based upon this incident. * * * IGGINS: Aren’t you ever afraid of getting hurt traveling on the railroad every day ? JAGGERS: Notatall. I couldn't be badly hurt anyhow; I travel such a short distance, * * * HERE is only one thing we know of that is worse than being called upon unexpectedly to make an after-dinner speech, That is to prepare an after-dinner speech and not be asked to deliver it. comicbooks.com