Life — January 5, 1888 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A REMINISCENCE OF A CHRISTMAS MORN. ’ WAS the night before Christmas, and all through the Flat Not a creature was stirring, not even a rat ; I'd just had my night-cap, and had laid down to snooze, Lulled gently to rest by the Quakertown ews. When all of a sudden there came a great noise That sounded at first like the seventh-floor boys— A composite noise like the oath of a cabby Superimposed on the second-floor babby. I flew to the window, but paused in my flight At the words that came down from the chimney’s vast height : “*Confound these apartments with fam’lies in layers ! . Their flues are too long, they’ve too many stairs ; It takes me all night to get through with a single Modern flat-house. As my name is Kris Kingle, I swear I'll give over the bus’ness retail— I'll sublet the reindeers, and go it wholesale!” And then came a silence, oppressive and deep— A silence so still you could hear willows weep— When a bad, wicked word crept down through the flue, And the atmosphere changed from a black to a blue ; The Saint of the Yule, in the dim light of dawn, Had made a mistake and profoundly had sworn ; For instead of the chimney he'd dropped thro’ the shaft, Where elevators run, and where strong is the draught. And when the sun peeped through a little cloud rift, Old Santa emerged from the top of the lift, And remarked to the kittens, the mice and the cats, ‘In Clausville, hereafter, we'll boycott the flats.” * * * R. WILLIAM WINTER, the dramatic critic of the New York Tribune, was attacked by two rough- looking men on his way home Tuesday night. Mr. Winter managed to escape before discovering whether his assailants were Henry Irving and Wilson Barrett or Edwin Booth and Billy Florence. * * * F Mr. Cleveland is really desirous of reducing the surplus the easiest plan he can pursue is to appoint a few of our most noted financiers to vacant offices in the Treasury. Indeed, a full Cabinet on the “Reduce the Surplus” plat- form, could be made up of such men as E. B. Harper, Fer- dinand Ward, the President of the Continental Life Insur- ance Company of Hartford, James D. Fish, Napoleon Ives and others. The seat of government could be removed to Montreal. Thus the surplus could be reduced, to the joy of the Democrat, and the high taxes could be maintained to console the Republican. Ascheme that pleases everybody should be at once adopted by an official who claims to be the President of the whole people. HE dramatic critic of the Century classes Mephistopheles as one of Mr. Irving's failures. Our contemporary might add to this a devout wish that some of our own actors were capable’of failing in so artistic a fashion. * * * UR friend Saphead thinks one of the greatest dangers in the new silver certificate is that an ordinary counter- feiter can easily change a five-dollar bill into a two-dollar certificate, without fear of detection. The Government should look into this. * * * HERE are two kinds of clubs, social and constabulary, and they are both efficacious in knocking a man out. * * REDUCING THE SURPLUS. * * * HEN Mrs. Spriggins read in the morning papers that there was a strike among “Reading Men,” she remarked that she didn’t wonder, “there is so much bad reading nowadays.” * * A MAN died last week from the effects of tobogganing. This miscellaneous chuting should be stopped. * * * UR esteemed contemporaries, the Saints of New York, have secured an injunction against the Sunday ex- hibition of a highly immoral lot of architectural designs. Let the good work proceed. The bare steeples of the Dutch Reformed, Presbyterian and Episcopal churches, the ornate architecture of the Vanderbilt mansions, with all their naked suggestiveness, have offended the Sabbath eye of public decency for many a long day and should be sup- pressed. May the Saints preserve our souls from sin by covering these foul and aggressive foes to holy living from our sight ! comicbooks.com