Life — December 29, 1887 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- WHAT THEY FOUND IN THEIR SOCKS. } R, CLEVELAND found a large hunk of taffy from his admirers, and a request from a New York publisher that he write a book to be called “ The Presidential Ready Letter Writer; or, State Papers in Words of Ten Syllables.” Governor Foraker found a series of chromos depicting the historical events in which. he recently played a prominent part. Special attention’ was given to the “ Portrait of a Lady Snubbing a Governor,” and the canvas representing “The First Lady of the Land Going to Lunch during a Grand Army Parade,” is said to be the most stirring historical picture ever printed in this country. Governor Hill found a hole in his sock, but as his Excellency is a bachelor he expressed no surprise. 5 Mr. Howells was overjoyed to find nothing in particular in his stocking. Mr. Edgar Fawcett discovered a pair of I-glasses in his hose, and will soon be able to re- gard himself as his contemporaries regard him, which may serve to improve his opinion of Thackeray, Browning, and other rivals of his genius. Some ill-bred person placed a copy of “It’s English, You Know,” in Mr. Lowell's stocking. Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson found a note in the heel of his sock from a publisher of cheap books in New York, announc- ing that if he didn’t brace up and write better, he, the pub- it lisher, wouldn't steal any more of his books. Senator Evarts found a petition, bulging the sides of his & footgear, signed by ten members of the Senate, requesting him to commute his sentences. Anthony Comstock is trying to discover the gross-minded HREWD as the average New York bartender is, nearly any countryman can get a head of him. ° A RECOMMENDATION. IFE has frequently won- dered in what respect the ordinary Baptist differs from the hard-shell Baptist? Since . \ reading the report of the Bap- tist conference, wherein a certain Reverend Taylor spoke ex- cathedra on the subject of nude lewdness and lewd nudeness, using Lire’s cherubs as illustrating the depths of depravity to which man can descend, we see where the hardness enters into the Baptist’s constitution. We can only recommend our friends of this denomination to take such individuals as Taylor and dip them into the water- tank until their minds are sufficiently cleansed to make them worthy of their office—keep them under two or three days, if necessary, and good cannot but result to the Church and the communities wherein these individuals shine. IMPORTED, YOU KNOW. person who put a toy bear in his stocking. © Rev. E. Walpole Warren found nothing in his sock, be- cause it got rumored about that he considered socks im- moral and would not hang one up to corrupt Santa Claus. Mr. Jaehne, a prominent resident of Sing Sing, hung up his sock on Xmas eve; but Mr. Ferdinand Ward hap- pened to pass that way, and the next morning Mr. Jaehne couldn't find it, (> ie H, why is the Anglo-Ameri- ; 5 “ = ieee Lg a His style is imported, you ag SS know. “oi But why is his manner in- suff'rably loud ?— That's also imported, you know. With ‘Lunnun-made” raiment he cuts a great dash ; For everything ‘* Hinglish ” he shells out his cash; No matter the value, to him all is trash That is not imported, you know. His wines and cigars are the best to be had— ‘That's freshly imported, you know. He makes it a point to adopt the latest “fad” That has been imported, you know. With a little round window stuck into his eye, He ogles humanity as from on high, An asinine figure to cut he doth try— ‘The notion’s imported, you know. It makes a plain yankeefexcessively tired, To see things imported, you know ; Placed up on a pedestal to be admired, Because they're imported, you know. And this Anglomaniac with his odd ways, Who spends time and” wealth on some imported craze, Assuredly should, for the rest of his days, Be quickly exported, you know. | Frank B. Welch, comicbooks.com