Life — December 8, 1887 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: The Chum obeyed, and much to his dismay found that a small trap, with unusually sharp teeth, had been ingeniously placed within in such a manner as to lacerate the thumb as soon as the crust was broken. “That will do the President good,” was all I could say. “Yes; it will teach him not to play with edged pies," replied Santa Claus.” . * . ee HAVE here a treatise on art to send to Pucd,” resumed Santa, after a moment's pause. ‘+ Puc is a very bright fellow, and I love him—we all love him for the jokes he has made—but Pucé wants to learn how to draw an American without making him a Dutch Anarchist, Dutch Anarchists are very nice, especially on ice; but 1 want more realism and less hook nose about my statesmen.” * * . 66 LJAVE you anything for Blaine,” I asked. “Oh my, yes! I've got the same thing for Blaine and Sullivan—a cablegram telling them not to mind about coming home, and for James Russell Lowell I've got something that will please him way down to the ground, and you know since James was adopted by the Queen he's been very lofty, so that when he’s pleased down to the ground it's a great big please.” “What is it?” queried the Chum, interested to know what it could be that could delight so great a personage.” “Well if you won't let it go beyond the readers of Lire, I'll tell you, I've got a complete set of English naturalization papers for him, so that he can be a Briton born as well as bred hereafter.” * * . 66 YOU'VE seen Mrs. James Brown Potter act, I suppose ?" queried my host. “Well, not exactly. I've seen her try,” I replied. “Precisely. Well, I've made the best thing for her you ever saw. I've made a looking-glass for her, so that she can see herself as others see her, and—" 329 “Why, she'll leave the stage if you give her that.” Santa laughed gleefully. . . . 66 YOU are surely not going to ignore Dana and Pulitzer,” I asked, somewhat surprised that the rulers of the earth should be so conspicuous by their absence. ““T guess not,” was Santa's rejoinder. ‘‘I've got a pencil for Pulitzer that knocks off fifty per cent. of every statement he writes with it, so that when he writes on a sheet of paper that his circulation is one million a week, it will be printed five hundred thousand." “*Yes, but five hundred thousand is too much.” “That's all right. When it's printed as five hundred thousand the affidavit he writes with this pencil will have its fifty per cent. knocked off, so that the figures will be sworn to as only half true. See?" . “And Dana, what have you for him?” “I'm going to help him get another mortgage on the Sus anda wheelbarrow, so that he can circulate his evening edition a little more, There's nothing like a wheelbarrow to circulate a paper on.” . * * ND so the old fellow rattled along. There was a boxing-glove for Foraker to hang up in his room to shake hands with, There was alittle image of Cleveland with the palsy for Fairchild. For Whitelaw Reid there was a long list of possible crimes which the Tribune has by some extraordinary carelessness neglected to charge against the President. No one was forgotten, not even the readers of Lire, for whom Santa Claus handed the Chum a large envelope with the request that its contents be forwarded without delay. “There,” he said, “you see I haven't forgotten your readers, I couldn't give up the good altogether.” And as the Chum walked down the stairs and started his balloon homeward, he broke the seal and took from the envelope a card on which was written : A Merry Curistmas To You ALL. Carlyle Smith. A LONG HEAD. Brown (who has unexpectedly encountered a friend on the range): You, HERDING. SMITH, OF ALL MEN! I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR AMBITION To SHINE IN LONDON SOCIETY—GIVEN IT UP, EH? Smith: Nov av att. LASSO AND A GOOD TAN, AND SHALL GO OVER NEXT SUMMER WITH A WILD WEST SHOW, I'M TAKING THE SUREST ROAD TO SUCCESS; GETTING A FEW POINTS WITH THE Sape? comicbooks.com