Life — November 24, 1887 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ye Scheme of Ye Turkye Bolde: Ytts Faylure. Ye Introduction toe ye Turkye. Hys mode of Life Ytte was a Turkye Gobbler bolde ¥ scheméd toe escaype Ye gryplet of ye Butcherre Boye { twysted uppe hys nape. For 3 fulle monthes he lived aparte inne solytude & quiet, Refusinge dayntie morselles inne an alle absorbing diet. Hys reflections. He thought that whenne Thanksgyving cayme he'd looke soe payle & thynne, He colde avoid ye usual role ye Turkye strutteth inne. Hys conversation, Sayde he, ‘* Instead of fattenyng I will slowly rarefie, Soe that my wearye corpse will ne'er on thankfulle tables lic.” Ye reader condoleth with ye Turkye, Ve Turkye dyes. Alas for ¢ poore Turkye bolde, hys scheme fell toe ye grounde, For though he weighed butte oz. 10 when ye festal daye cayme rounde. He was assassinated with ye rest ; ¢ mass of skynne and bones Weighed 16 Ibs. uponne ye scayles : = believe that it is Eastward that the Star of Vampire takes its way, and, as inhabi- Hys breaste was filled with stones. tants of the Western Hemisphere, we are rather glad it does. HE “ Boulanger March” has been arranged for the hand-organ by a prominent young amateur of this city. HE demand for cotton and ear- tabs during the recent Wagner revival was something enormous. AS to Johann Most, why not revive the old-time ducking stool ? * . . 8 fies RE is a Scriptural injunction which runs somewhat thus: “If thine hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it into the fire.” We think this applies to the Presi- dential thumb which was so inoppor- tunely wiggled in the local political pie. If Grover Cleveland wants to stay in the White House, he should look care- fully after that thumb. We, for one, do not care to see this Presidential digit re-elected, although the rest of the President is eminently satisfactory to us. Cut it off, Mr. Cleveland, or put a stall around it until it learns how to behave itself. A POOR UNFORTUNATE. Gus: AW—eR—ves, CHOLLY Is—ER— CHAWMING FELLAH, BUT ME 18 SO aw/u/ly DEFAWMED, Y'KNOW, Willie: Poor FELLAM! TAH WITH HIM? Gus: Wuy—eR—AW—V'KNOW, HIS MOUTH 18 SO AWFULLY SMALL—ER-HE CAWN'T GET HIS LIPS OVER THE—ER—NEAD OF HIS CAIN! What's THE MAT patsy FAIRCHILD bas an article on the G, A.R. in the current issue of the American Magazine. As an author Palsy is no great shakes, . * . HE Norristown's Her- ald’s funny man has a fund of most withering sar- casm always at hand. He thinks because a New York woman who plays the fiddle is called a “violiniste,” the dairy-maid who makes the butter must be a churniste, and the woman who laun- dries your soiled clothes is a washiste and ironiste. It is to be hoped that New York women will take care not to offend this susceptible paragraph-man and humor- writer again. Our violinistes must hereafter be content to be known as fiddler-women, and our pianistes must be dubbed piano-females. The good old English language of Norristown must not be suffered to be crushed by these imported affectations of speech. . . . W clip the following tribute to LiFe from our esteemed Hun- garian contemporary, the Sycktzy Tjmbues : PRYWPOWIESCI, Pracuj nawet w poniedzialki, Nie pij wina, ni gorzalki, Co oszczedzisz, skladaj w skrzynie, Potém rachuj jak rok minie. We thank our friends for these kindly words, and can only add— wuczy dzyb ti rok Vanjz kachnj intadzi kerhok. * . * F Shakespeare had been a reader of the Sun, and had seen therein that aman by the name of Godhelp paid poor women 75 cents a dozen for making undergarments, his query as to“ what's in a name” would have possessed even more pertinence than it does now. comicbooks.com