Life — March 17, 1887 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PRESENCE OF MIND. Farmer: WHAT YOU DOING HERE? Colored Party: COUNTING THER CHICKENS, BOSS. Farmer: WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU COUNTING THE CHICKENS FOR? Colored Party: TO SEE IF ANY BEES MISSING. HERE THAT I HAINT SURE BELONGS TO ME. Is—E GOT TWO KISMET. 6¢ JT WILL know the worst !’" he said— “For oh, this wild unrest— This pitiless, tense, unvoiced suspense, It will kill me, unexpressed !” So he said, *‘ I will know the worst !— I will face her, with lifted brow, And speak my love though the heavens above Weep stars to stay the vow!” “*T will know the worst !” he said, And low at her feet he fell ; Loosing the flood of his whole heart's blood In the tale he had to tell. And he knew, oh, he knew the worst, AAs still he must needs confess, In the sighs and tears of the fated years Of his doom: She answered ‘‘ Yes.” J. W. Riley. THE STING IS IN THE TAIL. OUND, a postal-card, with the following inscription: “Dear M. — Mother will leave for New York to- morrow, on the 1o A.M. train. She can only remain for a few days. Please meet her at Grand Central Station. —KaTE. “‘P.S.—Mother has postponed her visit.—K.” MORE THAN THE BARGAIN. HE ancient proverb says, “ You cannot get more out of a bottle than you put in it.” That's an error. Besides what he put in, he can get a headache, a sick stomach, and perhaps ten days in the lock-up. THE APPROACH OF THE YACHTING SEASON. HEART! my heart! pull down thy blinds and tie crape upon thy door-knob, for in a little while the long yachting season will be upon us, and the voice of Rachel will be heard weeping for those of her children who have gone down to the sea in rum-laden ships, and the columns of the daily press will be given over entirely to Yachting mat- ters, yachting news, yachting gossip, and yachting discussions of every nature conceivable. The campaign will be opened, as usual, with a prolonged squabble upon the subject of measurement and time-allow- ance, and, as usual, nothing will come of it, for everybody | knows more about it than everybody else, and everybody else | wants the rules arranged to suit his especial craft, and be- hanged to the rest of them. Then will come the startling announcement that the Commodore of the Old Rye Yacht Club has bought a bottle of hair-restorer, and that the ex- commodore of some other club has had a bad cold; but— the heavens be praised !—he is feeling somewhat better at present. A little later all Christendom will be paralyzed by the an- nouncement that Mr. Smith, of Tootsville on the Delaware, is thinking of building an eighteen-foot cat-boat, and that Mr. Jones has sold his sloop to a Mr. Robinson, of Newport, Kentucky, for the sum of seventy-five dollars, and the sloop in question will be at once overhauled and put into com- mission. Think of it! Then a little later all business will come to a standstill and the sun will stop in its course, because it is reported in large capitals that Mr. Burgess (raise your hats and salaam, gentlemen!) has designed a boat exactly like the Purztan, save that her midship section is one inch deeper and she has a trifle more freeboard. How trivial do the affairs of nations seem, and how small do such men as Hannibal and Napoleon appear when com- pared to a Burgess—a dzvino, sanctissimo Burgess! And then the usual to-do over the international race will begin all over again, and the cup committee will worry them- selves gray-headed over the question of whether or no they can accept the challenge and at the same time be dead sure of winning. And then in the course of time we shall have over again the same dreary old farce of a heavy-weather boat racing against a light-weather boat in smooth water and light winds ; and the American eagle will flap its wings and screech itself hoarse with delight and surprise because a sprinter beats a long-distance heavy-weight over a short course, and thus demonstrates the superiority of all things American! Then the European and financial news will be crowded out of the-paper in order to make room for the reports that Mr. Binks’s schooner is to be overhauled and painted, and comicbooks.com