Life — November 11, 1886 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE STATISTICAL. HE statistician is an authority whom none dare dispute. With the digestive powers of an ostrich, and the absor- bent quality of a sponge, he sucks facts and figures down his esophagus as easily asa jugglerswallows swords. He reduces the world to the size of a pot-cheese, and holds it in a pair of calipers. Every inch of its territory is as familiar to himas the patches on an old coat. His generalizations are as broad as the spirit of Catholicity, and his assertions are as sweeping as the power of faith. Prof. Johann von Ziffer has prepared a table of statistics lately of unique interest. With no intent to deceive he puts the population of the United States at 60,000,000 souls. Out of this number we are told 4,000 commit suicide every year. One shudders to think of the awful fate that would befall the metropolis, were there no increase in population, for at the above death-rate, New York would be depopulated in 17,777 years. The next item shows the enormous consumption of beer. If the beer drunk by the average German were stored in barrels, at the end of twenty years they would equal in bulk the Cheops pyramid.’ Then if the hoops should burst, and the beer escape, it could easily float a barge, or flood a town. Following, we have the statistics of nictation. Every man of temperate habits winks 3,158,690 times a year. Prof. Von 289 Ziffer estimates that politicians wink a round million in excess of this number, and an alarming increase is noted on the part of bald-headed men who beguile their time at the comic opera. No less interesting, perhaps, are the figures which follow, giving the exact number of wooden-legged men in Hong Kong. We also read with absorbing interest that the rat crop in Norway has increased 13 per cent. since 1880, and that 389,811 tracts are distributed among the Zulus every month. Other figures are given which excite reflection. We may briefly note the number of feathers on a hen (6,464), the amount of sunlight diffused in interstellar space, the popula- tion of the globe at the time of the flood (estimated), and the number of pills swallowed annually in hospitals. Prof. Von Ziffer’s table is of inestimable value to science. It is the result of years of patient labor, and his industry is warmly commended by those who appreciate the difficulty and magnitude of his task. Harold Van Santvoord. A CORDIAL INVITATION. H®? OF THE HOUSE (to young man at front door): Haven't I told you, sir, never to call here again? YOUNG MAN: Yes, sir; but I haven't called to see Miss Clara this time. I have a two month's gas-bill to collect. HEAD OF THE HOUSE (2 a milder tone): 1 see. will please call again. You IT CERTAINLY OUGHT. OUNG FEATHERLEY had eaten four more hot biscuits | than he ought to have done, simply | because Miss Clara had told him that she made them herself, and Bobby, with a perplexed look upon his face, was waiting a favorable opportunity to say something. “Mr. Featherley,” he finally said, | “have you any matters on hand | that ought to be attended: to at | once?” | “Well, nothing very urgent, Bob- | by,” laughed Featherly. “Why?” “Because Clara told ma that when you found out what nice | biscuits she could make, it ought to | hasten matters.” HE Baroness Burdette-Coutts wants all the young men to marry. They probably would if there were Baroness Burdette Coutts’s enough to go around. Patient : . ps I pon’T KNow— A® army is not necessarily in- vincible because its ranks are made up of he-rows. DROOBLE. i Unb VEN I Gets ME pot CeeTy HALL TO MY HEAD VOS TURN SO DEEZY DOT Doctor (interrupting): VERTIGO— VERTIGO! Patient: VERE TO GO? I KNOW SHUST VERE TO GO BUT VICH VAY TO TURN! DOTS DE comicbooks.com