Life — August 12, 1886 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A FORTY-DAY CRUISE IN THE “ ARK.” BY NOAH. CHAPTER Ill. THE FOURTH OF JULY AT SEA. ESTERDAY was the ‘ Glorious Fourth,” and Mrs. Noah and I determined that it should be cele- brated in a befitting manner. On deck the storm was still raging with unabated fury, but below we madeeverything look as holiday-like as possible. Down the whole length of the’ saloon was stretched a line of flags, with our private signal at ; the head. We arranged a platform at one end and held some patriotic exercises in the forenoon. Unfor- tunately we had no national ensign with which to drape the speaker's desk ; but by dint of much persuasion and no little force, I finally got a red-head duck, a white-faced rabbit and blue-nosed baboon to sit in a row on the ros- trum, and they did fairly well asa sub- ~ stitute for the colors. RUINING THE SELF-CONTROL OF THE RED-HEADED DUCK. EEE E - First, I read the Declaration of Independ- ence, and then Japheth rendered ‘* Wait till the Clouds Roll By,” and ‘The Flowers that Bloom in the Spring,” on the banjo. Shem next delivered a humorous address ; Mrs. Ham sang, ‘‘ Stick to your Mother, Tom,” with fine effect, and I wound up the programme with some remarks on Civil Service Reform. Just as Treached my closing sentences there was a terrible row among the national colors. Investigation proved that the blue-nosed baboon had found a threaded needle on the floor and was ruining the self-control of the red-head duck and the mental equanimity of the white-faced rab- bit by trying to sew the tail of the former to the ear of the latter. When the disturbance had been quieted, I started out to give the animals their mid-day meal. Before going far I found that one of the gi- raffes had poked up the = forward hatch so that he could stick his head up in- tothe store-room, and had eaten everything within his reach without any dis- crimination. The first thing he had struck was a box containing two dozen Roman can- dles (the only explosives on board), and he had greedily devoured all but three of them. He gazed at me with a guilty, un- easy expression in his great brown eyes that was almost pathetic. But his look turned to one of extreme alarm asI proceeded to administer a well-merited beating with a barrel hoop. . I had hardly finished my punishment, however, when the giraffe suddenly gave a profound hiccough, gently blew a beautiful red star out of his mouth and smacked his lips ner- vously, as if he had burned his tongue. He then lowered his head and, placing his ear against his chest, 91 listened attentively. From his anxious air I’knew that he thought he had swallowed a twenty-tune music-box or a WE WATCHED HIM COUGH UP FIREWORKS FOR FULL AN HOUR AND ‘A QUARTER. small cyclone—tears actually stood in his eyes. Another convulsion, a long-drawn sigh and a green star floated forth. I had hit him once too hard—those Roman candles were going off. As it was quite dark in the store-room, the display was very effective as, one after another, col- ored stars soared from between his teeth, floated along between decks and melted in a far-off corner. I called in all the family, and we watched him cough up fireworks for fullan hour and a quarter. Beyond a singed mous- tache the giraffe bore no outward signs of damage, and I noticed that afternoon that he drank a most inordinate amount of water. His taste for Roman candles is probably cured. In the evening one of the monkeys kicked a bison in the nose, and angered him so much that he butted the whole hump off of the sacred Indian cow. I begin to wish that I'd stayed outside and been drowned ! OUR HOT WEATHER BOOM. QUIPS FROM THE AUTHORS. HE circulation of LiFE last week was twenty-seven copies—nineteen of which were given away, two were sold in New York, three in the New England States, one went abroad and one was borrowed by the city of Chicago, and not yet returned. HE number of idiots in the United States increased from 34,127 in 1870 to 76,895 in 1880.—Ex. Wethought we noticed an increase in our daily poem income. T is said that Lawrence Barrett and Edwin Booth went fishing last week and fell overboard. They doubtless got to drinking the bait. “co HE THREE FEATHERS ”—Contents of a board- ing-house pillow. “Nora’s Love Test”—Letting him see her when she was n’t powdered up. “ The Lonely Heir.”"—The one on the dude’s lip. “Picked Up Adrift ”—The snow in the snow shovel. “ Beyond the Breakers "Ornaments out of the children’s reach. . + “What He Cost Her”—Not half as much as she cost im. “Cometh Up as a Flower ”’—The weed. “Lady Audley’s Secret "—Her age. comicbooks.com