Life — July 15, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

YOUNG man of the Fifth Army Corps, Was well versed both in logic and lorps ; He Shakespeare could recite From morning till nite, And quite often received an encorps. * * * T is said that the first remark the new King of Spain made, when he was told his position of life, was “ well this is Spainful news.” * * * F it were possible for dogs to have an official journal we should doubtless read that “two dogs that were kicked by a mad man recently are on their way to Paris for treat- ment.” Turn about is fair play. * * * INISTER COX dined with the Sultan the other day ; and before the banquet was ended he had Turkey stuffed with chestnuts. * * * LARGE powder mill in Switzerland has mysteriously disappeared. A box of wax matches found in the neighborhood has been arrested on suspicion. * * * R. DALY and his company are meeting with great success across the water. It was to-be expected they would. The London public and the London press have given them a most hearty welcome and cordial support. In speaking of “A Night Off,” at the Strand Theatre, Mr. Clement Scott says of Mr. James Lewis : “It is a pleasure to watch his face, the play of his features, every turn and action means something. He has studied the principles of dramatic effect, it does not all come by chance. He does not simply go upon the stage and speak his lines, but he studies how best to say them. He is not only an actor but an artist.” * * * A LITTLE five-year-old calls lavender “ purple’s chum.” * * * HE success of the anti-oleomargarine bill again em- phasizes the truth that “ the battle is not always to the strong ""—butter, * * * INQUIRING MIND. OUNG HOPEFUL: Papa, what does that say? Papa (reading poster): Cardinal Gibbons is invested with the scarlet beretta. Young Hopeful : Why, that’s too bad. the scarlet fever ? Is it worse than TO CLARENCE, Some one of the numerous young people who are contemplating marriage or are about to marry—who, in their various dilemmas, seek the editorial ear, and, in the editorial column, the proper or most graceful mode of extrication therefrom—has misdirected a letter. The letter before us was undoubtedly intended for the Suz, but it must be answered without the delay consequent upon remailing ; and, there- fore, with apologies to Mr. Dana, we reply : LARENCE, OSHKOSH.—No, Clarence, we would not, without several reservations, advise you to marry on $15 per week. That you “expect” to be raised to $18 is not an available argument. You only expect it. It is not assured. Of course the “raise ” would enable you to live in a prince’s and princess’s style ; but what might not be the result if you did not get it? Think of that! Enumerating the barnyard fowl, Clarence, in anticipation of its emergence from its shell, too often proves to be a presumptuous and wholly unwarranted familiarity with facts, or figures and fowls, to which the incontrovertible arithmetic, or the un- bribable hen, administers the refutatory rebuke. By reason of its would-be mother’s newness in the business, or its own insufficient acquaintance with the science of obstetrics, the embryotic chick of finest feather may droop and die a-born- ing; the setter may sit down, in the hurry and exuberance of the moment, too enthusiastically on the egg of greatest promise, inducing, thereby, a premature and fatal crisis ; or, perchance, she may dream her downy dream of maternity on a plain, ordinary, everyday, white porcelain door-knob. Still, Clarence, we do n’t want to discourage you. There may be, perhaps, after all, no very good reason why you should not, or should, as the case may be, marry-on $15 per week—or month—which is it, did you say ? because—listen, Clarence !—because “it is love”"—as somebody has truly said— it is love that makes the world: go round; ” and you need never bother your head about being square, or at try- ing to be so, with a thing so addicted to going round. B. Zim. * * * IFE presents its compliments to General Fitz John Porter, and congratulates him“upon the happy out- come of his long endeavor. * * * ISS CARRIE: Papa, I want fifty dollars, in. small bills. Papa: Preposterous, my child, what can you want of fifty dollars? Miss Carrie: The doctor said that I must have it, and I want it. Papa: The doctor said you must have that amount? in small bills ? , Miss Carrie: He didn’t say how much, but he-said that I must have change. comicbooks.com