Life — June 10, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CAN FIGURES LIE? CAREFUL estimate of the army Kentucky can throw into the field gives some astounding results, Estimat- ing two colonels to a regiment, the usual allowance, we have a comfortable little force of three hundred and ninety-seven millions of soldiers, This calculation is on the basis of five hundred soldiers to every citizen of Kentucky who is called “ Colonel.” In case of war, we can only hope that the State will stand by us. . . . WOMAN'S declining years are generally from eight- cen to twenty-five. . . . ORTLY OLD GENTLEMAN (to student in lawyer's office): Is Counselor Blackstone in ? , Law Student: He is at present engaged in consultation, he will be at liberty in a moment if you will wait. sir; Portly Old Gentleman (taking a chair): Do you smoke? (Pulling a cigar from his vest pocket.) Law Student (rising eagerly): Yes, sir! Portly Old Gentleman: Then you won't object to my lighting a cigar. THE TWO GROWLERS. RT thou, pet growler of Gambrinus, Thus stowed away In couch of clay? Or art thou, puplet, come to ween us From beer, to-day, With comrades gay ? This is the witching moment of the treat, And yonder pitcher ’s due adown the street ; Yet we ‘ve not heart to rouse thee, black-and-tan ; This once we ‘Il “ work the growler” * with a can, Wallace Peck. © Aa A. D., 1886, slang expression more or less understood in lat. 4t, long. 74- A WARM WELCOME, “ ELL, boys,” said an admirer of the New Yorks on their return from the West, “ what'll it be ?. Noth- ing that my money will buy is too good for you. I won it all on you—every cent.” “ How did you bet ?” asked giant Corcoran, taking a cigar nearly as large as himself. “I bet on the other clubs,” replied the lucky man. . * . a Ra prudent man always lays up something for a rainy day, if it is only a borrowed umbrella. . . * ND now the croaking songs from swampy flat, That greet our ears at setting of the sun, In harsh, unpleasant music tell us that The reptile hop-era season has begun. * . * DOWN EAST. “ ELLO, Central! Give No.— Broadway some office down East.” “ All right, you 're connected ; call ‘em up.” “Hello, there! Send some responsible down-easter to the telephone. I want to talk with him about——” “What's the matter with you? This isn't down East. This is Boston.” “Oh, is that so? But can’t you give me a down East office? I want one particularly.” “Certainly; we've switched you on. Don’t keep the line too long.” “Say, can’t you please have a good, honest down-easter step to the telephone? i “Down-easter! What are you talking about? There aren't any honest down-easters, and this isn’t down East. This is Portland, Maine. Hold on till we connect you with a down East city. There you are, try again.” ‘ “Hello! Been trying some time to get a down East office. Glad we struck you. Won't you please——” “Hello! This is Halifax, but you must speak up; your voice sounds weak.” “So it is weak ; we've been trying to find down East. Are you called down East?” “ Halifax called down East? No,” “ Well, then, can you tell us where down East is? I ‘ve heard down-easters are economical and want to employ one.” “We are sorry, but we do’n’t know exactly where down East is; but it’s somewhere north of us. You might try Upernavick, Greenland.” But cither the wires were down or the instruments were frozen up; in any case Upernavick was not to be had. {—— 2 comicbooks.com